A couple of years ago, when I was pregnant, my life started to change, as it does when you are preparing to birth new life. This change caused me to look at the self I had been prior to this moment and come to terms with the things I didn't completely love about myself. With that came an abundance of fear, which lead to healing that aspect of myself so I could be prepared, as one can be, for this new life.
I didn't realize how much fear I really carried around, or how much I still continue to carry with me. In looking back at old journals and old blog entries I am amazed by what I have found that lurks in the center of my being -- clearly not hidden at all, and yet somehow I have been looking right through it, as though it's invisible. So how does fear manifest? A great number of ways, but the simplest *physical* reaction I receive?
Let me clarify that I never throw up. If I throw up then you know I am extremely sick. Even in my pregnancy I threw up only twice due to 2 different attempts to eat veal, something I used to love and now can't even fathom digesting again.
I never throw up. When I do? I know it's a sign that I haven't been paying attention to the hundreds of other signs that have been flaunting themselves in front of me, yet I have chosen to either ignore them, or simply am dumbfounded by their existence. Thus when the Universe wants me to understand the importance of letting go and embracing the notion of fear and turning it into a power source of love, I throw up.
It's not a good time. I hate it. And while granted I've never met anyone who actually enjoys throwing up, but I really really really hate it. It brings out this inner child that just wants to be cradled by her mother and told that everything will be OK.
I've been obsessively reading about the No Impact Man and have been inspired by the choices he's made for his family to create a greener lifestyle as well as his attempts to create no negative impact on the planet. From his blog I have read about another man, Michael, who chronicled the last 3 years of his life after being diagnosed with some extremely rare form of cancer. His blog was honest, and his fears and realizations were real. The No Impact Man had all these questions upon reading Michael's blog. I had questions after I read the blog.
We live life every day. We die a little every day. The glass is half full. The glass is half empty. It's meaningless to help save the planet when we're going to die anyway. It's important to save the planet for our children's children and the generations to follow.
The arguments are so black and white. There doesn't seem to be an in-between. Where do I stand? I stand in fear. It's the reality in which I have carried lifetimes worth of pain and confusion to this moment that been spiraling into a vortex of an energy that sometimes hardly seems worth it, but other times is a true gift, I know, if only I were to just peel back the layers gently to reveal their gems.
I don't openly admit this, not out of shame per se, it's just my own business, but I suffer from depression. Ugh, even writing that statement out feels like a bunch of shit -- I "suffer"... I'm such a believer in the notion that we create our realities based on our thinking process as well as our actions. If I think I suffer, therefore I do. I'll sometimes catch myself and say "I choose to live a life with depression sometimes" and I laugh at how ridiculous that statement really is. But I do believe it -- I do believe in this sense that everything happens for a reason. That if I sprain my ankle or throw up there is a bigger meaning to it, despite the fact that some would say it's just a sprained ankle or simply bad food you've eaten to cause your body to throw up. No, I don't believe that things happen for the sake of happening. It doesn't vibrate in my being that way.
I love the show "Dharma & Greg", I think that Jenna Elfman is a genius in that role. I came to find out later that she's a Scientologist, and while I virtually know nothing of their religion except that it was started by a sci-fi author and Tom Cruise is nutty about it, I know very little about it. I read once that Jenna Elfman wouldn't give her autograph to pictures to benefit an AIDS charity auction or something because she felt that AIDS was a state of mind and didn't want to contribute to that mentality. I was shocked... but I realized that in some ways I can see how others would think that my own belief system is rather odd.
I do believe in contracts -- karma -- whatever you want to call it, I do believe in a sense of destiny. I do believe that I have chosen to live the life I lead with both its good and challenging moments. I refuse to see it as "bad", such a pathetic use for a word.
So as I tie this all together about fear, I do believe it's a manifestation of my karmic past. How do I get rid of it? I don't. I don't "get rid of" things. I manifested it for a reason, I carried it from lifetimes ago for a reason. Do I need to know that reason? Nah. I once believed I did. I used to think it was so important for me to find out why things happened, what it meant, what it was going to mean. I think once you stop asking the questions and take the time to simply breathe and be still it's true that the answers come in a way you simply don't expect.
I feel and see my fear rising to the surface once more. Bit by bit I release and reintegrate old fears into new functional emotions and energy for me -- thus the reason why I don't believe in "getting rid of" something that I created. I have this image that someday from all the "bullshit" I choose to throw away that I will realize it's importance, I will see the pearl inside the shell and want it back to reclaim as my own, but the journey to find these pieces either lost in the ocean or stuck in a pile of its own murky shit or given to someone else because I felt powerless, will be time wasted instead of understanding the reality that if I work on the healing now, I can save myself a lot of time and perhaps even pain along the way.
Then again, that other side of my brain, always so chattery, says that perhaps that is the journey and the contract that some make anyways.
It's an odd perspective, being in my mind. Loving life and seemingly fearing death. Feeling like every day I'm living to the fullest and then finding that other days I am wasting it away. I think about this a lot. I share it rarely. I don't know anyone else who can understand the bizarre notion of voices that circulate in your mind to create all these questions and doubts, but also who can be your best mate helping to piece the puzzles together.
The fear that has been surfacing has manifested itself into physical discomfort. Last night I was awakened at 3am to find myself in excruciating pain, followed by throwing up. I knew, throughout the evening I felt the signs, but I ignored them, because I am like a child who hates to be sick. It's awful. I was once told that to wake up consistently at 3am was a sign from the spirits/gods/universe/archangels that they had a message for you. My 3am calls started a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure I felt ready to listen to the messages of the spirits. I'm not sure I'm even ready now. Fear is a strange thing.