There's something almost magickal about having a thought process that is clouded by darkness to only swiftly spiral into a new direction, creating new thoughts that step out of the realms of torture. Our thoughts, in some ways, are much like the weather, not necessarily the same from day to day, but can go through it's own periods of rain and shine.
I spent last month in a mental storm. A necessary mental storm? Well, that's debatable by some, but it was necessary for me, in that moment, to experience the other side of my shadow self.
I'm a believer in having pyramids in life -- that each extension of ourselves has another layer, another pyramid, which represents ourselves, and the many facets of our personalities. It goes beyond realms of consciousness, it's energy, it's existence on another level.
I seem to bounce between versions of these pyramids, diving head first into whatever I have created a contract with, whatever the Universe feels I am ready to tackle, but, for the most part, I am doing it with a blindfold on at first. I test the waters and get a feel for the place, for the energy, then my consciousness kicks into gear and I bring out the post-its of labels I will attach to this place: anger, sadness, happiness, love, loneliness. Whatever it is, it receives my human judgments, and then I set up home, sometimes not understanding that I can leave whenever I so choose.
Perhaps that is part of the reality... my choice is usually to stay, because I always feel like I have something to gain from every situation, every experience. Is it an optimistic point of view? Hardly, it's just my reality -- in some odd way I'd hate to think that I'm here, universally speaking, to just be here, and yet in my recognition of that statement, it hardly seems enlightened, does it? My sense of awareness is often sabotaged by my sense of fantasy. I love my illusionary/fantasy world, but as my spiritual mother once said, my contract is here, not there, no matter how enticing it may be.
And so I have taken a swim in another pyramid, one that brings me back to the center of light, a balance from the previous month of self-doubt and inner child woes, this place centers me in self power, without ego.
Very timely I think, as Lammas approaches I always notice that I come back to the light when the earth begins to taste its last bits of it. I find it chaotic in the first half of the year. I become overwhelmed by natural light that I don't know how to balance out my own inner light. In the darkness, in the quiet, I find it, I breathe it, and it's natural. )0(