Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Curtains & Stevie Nicks

I'm thinking about curtains in the metaphorical and literal sense. We've taken down the closet doors that used to be in the office (which is now our bedroom) and replaced them with long curtains. Every day I stare at them. They're this rich, deep red almost maroonish color, and I love them. It reminds me of being in love with the color red as a child. Every red crayon was pretty much destroyed so I could use red on anything and everything. Today I sat on the floor by these curtains. They're not made of gold or any kind of fancy fiber, they're just curtains, but in some odd sense they bring me comfort. I feel like it neatly contains the world behind it. The world, for once not clutter. That feels good. Not much clutter these days, that is huge, that is a relief, as I tend to be all discombobulated about clutter.

So in terms of metaphorical curtains, I feel like the ones I've had draped over, well, essentially "everything" has been lifted to reveal a lighter, almost sheer curtain. I don't necessarily trust it at the moment, I've come to see that sometimes I trust too easily in the scheme of being shown something I think I want, but I am open to trusting it. Still, it's an odd energetic time for me. Just a few days have changed "everything" -- there's that word again. Still, things feel different, but in a spiraled sort of way.

I try to view my existence in more than just circular patterns. I see, instead, that life spirals, and I may revisit a certain issue in my life again, but the way the spiral moves, in or further out, creates the basis for how I will face this issue.

So I am seeing this spiral again, but it doesn't feel as creepy, as hard, as... disgustingly manipulative, and while that may seem "good", it feels creepy in and of itself. That makes me slightly nervous. I want to trust that it's not creepy, that time has circled around and my position in that circle is to keep dancing, because I've stood in the middle long enough.

Sunday night was Stevie Nicks, and as I was getting ready for the show I made sure to hop online to get directions despite being at the venue before. I do this all the time, I like to triple check when I'm going somewhere I feel will produce a magnificent event. They posted that the opening act was Mandy Moore, who I adore and it made the evening that much more exciting... if that's possible when it comes to Stevie Nicks!

My seats were simply amazing, 9th row center stage... I think I may continue to go to concerts solo as that will ensure I get the odd seats closer to the stage! Mandy Moore was amazing, incredibly beautiful and her voice was like golden butter. I was blown away by her energy, her beauty and her just "girl next door" sense of being. She was nervous and sweet, and she played my favorite song which I got lost in the melody of. Hard to believe I was viewing someone I adore not only musically, but theatrically as well. It was a brilliant way to start the evening.

Stevie's set started off with the wonderful "Stand Back" -- a great 80s classic to get the crowd pumping, and as the musicians were playing the beginning chords we all anxiously looked around for Stevie to appear. When she did... wow, even the memory... I admit, I cried. I did, I'm not too proud to admit it. Her "Trouble In Shangri-La" CD feels like the autobiography of my soul. To see someone who inspires you, to be that close to their work, to their being, it's beyond what words can express.

I have a dear love for Claude Monet, beyond the popular Waterlilies series (although it is one of my favorites no doubt). In 1998 the MFA had a showcase of his work, and tickets were quite expensive at the time. We got a set and went with friends, and I remember how nervous I was, knowing I would be standing in the same room as his works that I have spent so much time viewing in books and dreaming about. I felt like I was personally being led into a room of secret techniques, to see first hand the genius of his strokes, the brilliancy of his color palette, as he was one who preferred to not use black or white as they aren't "true colors" -- something I adapted in my high school painting years.

Walking into that room, I wasn't prepared to feel so overwhelmed by the energy of his work. It was more than a painting, it was more than his story, it's hard to explain the magnitude of what standing in those rooms meant to me, and indeed, I was moved to tears.

Stevie coming onto the stage was much a similar experience. She has this energetic field that exudes beauty and mystery, and the crowd ate it up, as it was a never-ending resource.

She still puts on an amazing show. I saw her nearly 10 years ago with Fleetwood Mac and she amazed me even then. My only disappointment was that I hadn't attended more shows in the past years. Even the memory, as "silly" as it can sound, moves me still. Her funny stories, her beautiful messages, her true gratitude for the audience to be there sharing this evening with her. I've been to enough concerts to know when it's just a statement that is as repetitive as a set list, but to see her go up to the front row, shaking everyone's hands, saying thank you to each of them, making it a point to smile and make eye contact, it was mind blowing.

It will be an evening I won't soon forget. And I felt something return to being that I had forgotten about that night. It was beautiful, and it reminded me of the day's lesson of listening for the voice of the Goddess, to be still and listen.

I've been channeling stillness a lot today.

This is what makes me think that the spiral that has returned, that the curtains that have been lifted and changed... that it's new... or perhaps how it was always supposed to manifest? I honestly don't know, but I know the game of speculation takes me to a stand still, and the stand still leads me deeper into the darkness, afraid. Today I would prefer to swim in the light, and share that light with the darkness.

But I will probably always have questions. )0(

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Goddess guide me...

Back when I taught at the Dove I was given a class by the owner of the school, Synergy of Prosperity, that I had been wanting to teach for a while. I wanted it to go beyond the notion of monetary prosperity, but really looking at the energy of prosperity in general life. It was a class I was quite excited for, but sadly most students were no longer interested in taking it because of the lack of information and how classes were shortened to a day while still having to pay for 2 days.

Word got around that I would be taking over the class and to my surprise many students who had already taken it signed up again, apparently loving my easy approach to teaching and loving my previous classes, something many students only get to experience when they are ready to take their electives, as I am not a massage teacher.

One of the things that the original instructor taught was her concept of a God consciousness towards prosperity as a 30 day affirmation program. I adapted it slightly, trying to make it more deity friendly, as I don't really relate to a God in general. However, I do hold a special place in my heart for Cernunnos, my leanings are towards the Dianic tradition with focus on the Goddess, still, many don't relate to that either, so my attempts to make things well rounded for all was interesting.

I have revisited this program last month, revamping it once more and sharing it with my systers at ADC and we've been doing the daily affirmations.

Last night an incident occurred with me and the neighbors. The details are boring and tedious as to what's been occurring the past 2 years with much headache, but last night drew the line, and last night, for the first time since my own trauma, I felt unsafe to be home. I was terrified in ways that made me 16 years old again, things that I thought had been healed were coming right back up to the surface, and the terror that seeped through my pores left me feeling lost.

I don't know what will happen next, and my instincts when in trauma aren't on the greatest reaction time, but when in trauma, I'm sorry, linear time is non existent. I wish others could appreciate that.

A terror that I had thought I was coming to peace with is surrounding me, an energetic bubble of fear, more than fear really, as that trauma last time brought me to a place of ultimate hopelessness. I felt hopeless.

Today's Goddess consciousness said:
"Today's lesson is about realizing that all of my experiences happen for a reason. I choose to see each one as a part of my personal growth. Because of this, I can give up control and let my Goddess consciousness lead the way. My higher self knows what is best for me, far better than I do. Today, I know that the Goddess loves me, therefore, I am free to love myself. Listen for your Goddess voice to guide you. It will be most noticeable when you are making a decision. Be still and listen. The Goddess's voice brings peace; ego's voice can bring turmoil when out of alignment with your higher purpose."

I've always been a believer that everything happens for a reason, even the trauma I experienced as a teen that has changed my life happened for a reason. Still, I would rather that my "choice" relative to how I learn my lessons be done with more grace and less... fear.

My plans for the day is to breath. Breath in that connection to life and the Goddess... reminding myself that there is beauty around me, and that in the end trust is my ultimate tool, something I ignore too often.

Tonight I am off to see Stevie Nicks, something I have wanted to do for a very long time. I saw her once when I went to see Fleetwood Mac, and my seats were incredible at the time, and I remember getting choked up seeing her walk on the stage. The energy she generates is amazing. I was blown away and have wanted to see her solo for many years, but timing was never right. Tonight I am venturing solo myself... something tells me that she may be the channel to which I hear the Goddess' voice tonight. )0(

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Since you...

Last night I went to Chad's CD release show that I have been looking forward to for months now. It's funny how the day a show comes everyone around you seems to be pissy, but it was a moment I really couldn't wait for, and being someone who tries to take into account any planetary movements, I usually let everyone else's drama roll off my back and enjoy what it is I'm trying to enjoy. Although the full moon certainly brought out that sense of "lunatic" energy that was easily felt by many.

I sit here, in a very quiet space, almost too quiet. I woke up this morning feeling quite low... beyond a sense of sadness. It was strange to wake up to these emotions, seeing as how last night was such fun, but I did notice the shift occur in the late morning hours, wanting my solitude, wanting to just have a view of the ocean and the taste of the salty air, knowing I wouldn't get to.

The Solstice came and went faster than I thought it would. I felt love in the air, but as the day faded, the love turned to loss, to remembrance, and in the moonlight, the warm air, things you once thought were either buried or released end up resurfacing, and while I didn't get to go to the ocean, I felt like I was drowning slowly... yet it wasn't tragic, just... strange.

Memories flood occasionally, sometimes stronger than the others, but I imagine that as the memories continue to flow in and out of my life they will always change, because my perception of what they once were, what they once meant in that moment, have ultimately changed as well, as have I. Still, there seems to be an emotional contract of sorts attached to the memories held dear.

In my attempts to "let go" and to just put the past behind me, it stood in front of my face, it briefly touched me, ever so slightly, easily forgettable, but the contact wasn't the stirring... it was the lack thereof. But the look... that familiar image, it may always be ingrained in my memory, even still, it perhaps has always been ingrained in my soul, something one can't easily (if at all) erase.

"I haven't felt the same, not since you... I've been running... I've been down... I've been trying to turn myself around... I've been sinking... I've been drowning... I've been down and out and crying out darling... Look what this clarity has taken away from me I knew now what you always knew..."

I want to say those lyrics have new meaning for me, but in all honesty they don't, which is perhaps why they keep playing themselves over and over in my head after last night. I keep saying that others just simply don't understand, can't see, can't feel what has been felt. I've often wondered about illusions, about what makes an illusion an actual illusion if it feels like reality to you? It's but one of my many fascinations in this world, and my world so often feels like a giant globe of illusions, sometimes so beautifully intricate it feels outside of this realm, and sometimes so painful that it feels like the deep sea dragging me under. But it's still my reality, it's my creation, it's my neglected work... is it ever illusionary?

I'm stuck in an old spiral. A dumb old spiral, as judgmental as it sounds to create a title to go along with the energy, it feels dumb, sometimes laughable, but mostly painful. And so a theme emerges: painful.

It is though, it's painful. My heart breaks, it renews, it tears, it pumps again, over and over, much like the natural cycle of life, with its unpredictable ups and downs. My ups are fantastic, almost higher than I remember ups being in general... my downs are awful, and I find myself stuck in a perpetual game of schizophrenia with my soul. Balance is beautiful, but my balance confuses me.

This morning I woke up with dread. I didn't want to feel that kind of pain again. It was just... pain, a familiar pain, but not a pain that I can actually describe in words as to what it truly pertained to, just a general scheme, but it feels ridiculous. It's an energetic connection, I can hear my spirit guides tell me.

I refer back to old notes from a retreat I attended by Lama John on "Loving Compassion" and he said that when you receive love and you don't know what to do with it, just give it back to the person who brought it out in you, share the love, don't judge it.

I judge love. I want to understand its complexities, I want to attach deeper and even cheaper labels to it because of living in a world that needs to define every fucking thing imaginable. And yet, that is so beyond the scope of who I really am -- I hate definition. I hate conformity. I hate the urge to dissect everything, but the dissection is more familiar than the definition or conformity.

The dissection has made me ill. The dissection has exposed toxins into my soul, and my heart burns because of the disease. However, I willingly picked up the scalpel. I knew what I was doing, even when I didn't know. Karmic contracts it would seem. Not a blame, just a mere observation, a fact even.

I feel like I'm losing pieces of myself... something I frequently venture through when I am in my own dissection of self. It makes me panic, it makes me feel out of control and frightened like a small child. There is no ultimate pain, but I think I enjoy the fear to the extent that it makes me withdraw to the safety of my cave. I don't want to to be in that cave, but I don't *not* want to be in it... and that perplexes my mind. )0(