Mercury turns direct tomorrow, then I can really think about what the past 3 weeks has brought to our doorstep and make clearer decisions. However, I am feeling much more at ease with the process, perhaps because my stubborn determination has decided to throw another option into the mix. The comparison has been helpful, but also more challenging.
The past week has been busy and communicatively stressful. My husband made this joke how much I really don't like the human race, and we laughed and I commented back that I like about 3% of them, to which his math calculated how much that would be and how I don't know a fraction of that many people... fine... I'm not entirely fond of the human species, more specifically as of late, but I know in general I grow tired of the constant battles they/we have with responsibility, respect, lack of compassion... it's been factoring into my decision-making mode as well, though in general I'm just frustrated with our lack of kindness in this world, and common courtesy. Respecting each other's right to BE as they need/choose/want to be is one thing, complete lack of consciousness is another. Judgmental? Perhaps. I'm not oblivious to my own areas of work here, where I could serve to be more compassionate and kind, chanting to Green Tara has been beneficial to remind me of that.
The Universe clearly would like me to take a break, to relax and not be in various projects, but to simply be... I have manifested a cold for myself. We're all sick, which is always a challenge when you try to figure out who is less sick and they are deemed the one in charge, but when your child is sick with that strained voice, it's all you can do to not snuggle them up and take it all away. If only my super powers worked that well.
I've been thinking about my role at the school, and while I'm honestly not sure whether it will survive another year between the economy and the vast changes occurring, I'm still there, sticking it out. The local eatery where I would go for lunch for every class still remains, and the owner (with whom light and humorous banter is exchanged) commented the other day when I was there, "so, you're back?" and I said, "yup, I'm back". It doesn't feel like it once did. The illusions are gone, the "good" and the "bad" have neutralized. While the memories are still there, it's quite literally from another time. I almost can't imagine the "then".
Changes are occurring and my initial gut when I walk into the place screams of remaining cautious. Where instant trust once lay it's now bordering on unfamiliarity, that feeling in your gut when you know something is off so you tread lightly so as not to disrupt the flow around you as you play detective. My purpose is to teach the students, everything else I remain in gravity (neutral).
I had planned to change my altar yesterday, but I'm glad I didn't, I want to be able to be in full health before creating the change there. Each year around Mabon I tend to manifest illness, though this year I thought I would allow myself to bypass this clearing, I can see, sitting in bed at this moment, that the cleanse is still quite necessary in this manner. I need to pause and reevaluate everything. I've been reevaluating connection, and these connections have reminded me of the astrology reading I had at the beginning of the year with Christopher. He showed me in the planets where the connections are, and how this year in particular would be a good time to foster those new connections with like-minded folk, and even within the apprenticeship I see the balance of magick and humor that makes me appreciative.
I plan to spend the day mostly in bed, catching up on reading and journaling and sleep. I'm glad I decided to make soup yesterday, today I am very grateful of that! It will also give me some time to think about Yule gifts and what the rest of the year holds. I don't want it to rush by, I want to enjoy every single second of it.