I've been listening to Chad's live CD a lot the past few days, loving the introspection his words always bring me, and the one song that's been playing over and over in my head, "Guarded", has this line that chokes me up every time I hear it, "There are days I swore I'd give up... but that's not today... that's not today..." It hits home in so many ways, and makes me smile in reflection.
The past few days have been good ones. I taught Inner Child Empowerment on Thursday and Friday and it reinforced my desire to want to teach more outside of the school. The class was fun and they seemed to really enjoyed themselves and open themselves up to possibilities, which is really all I ask, that they be open. There's so much fear associated with this work, and it's not a fear-based practice, it's a practice of transformation and empowerment. Does that mean that fear can present itself in the process? Sure. For me that was a definite. The fear kept rising to the surface until it got to the point where it could no longer be brushed aside (or flat out refused), but it's not about bringing out the fear, it's about the shifts and the process, and that varies from each person and what their spirit needs.
It was nice to be in that space that once felt like home, that was once so familiar and safe and remembering those emotions. They're not the same now. The land it different, somber even. The school itself is different, colder somehow. Many thought with the passing of K that things would change for the better, and I feel badly that we (myself included at times) felt that way. She had her quirks, and in the end she did some things that weren't very authentic, and yet, the authenticity could have been true, for her, which is really all that matters to us, as individuals, isn't it?
I drive there, pull into the parking lot, and I can see myself on the steps, memories flooding about conversations with various souls who enlightened and challenged me, and the safety that existed within the doors and how the warmth of each person's embrace was a long awaited breath of fresh air.
It's not there anymore.
It's not there anymore and that makes me sad. But not surprised. I'm there for a number of reasons, some more altruistic than others, but my decision to return in this moment is a desire to share this information once more with another generation of lightworkers. I've missed that, in this format, in this in-person teaching/facilitating format. And maybe I'm hoping, desperately searching, for that string of connection and light that magnified in a way that was familiar... but I can't tell if I'm desperate for it for these lightworkers who could benefit from that, or for me, for nostalgia.
I've spent 3 days away from home, spending the day driving around like we used to, looking at the world around us, there's been a lot of thought and conversation and decisions have been made, more are to follow. I haven't announced it to my family yet, perhaps another week or two, it's still new for us, but we're planning on moving. It's been a long couple of months debating on where we'd go. Maine quickly was removed from the list of choices with it's income tax, so the choice became stay in New Hampshire and move to Florida. We have land in Florida. I dislike Florida, though the actual area where we have land in is amazing, it's hard to pass up.
Last month we were ready for Florida. I had done so much research right down to the schools and community, but finding a Pagan and Buddhist community in the area was pretty much non existent. The nearest PPD was in Mississippi, everything else was hours and hours away. I was feeling discouraged the more and more I thought about spiritual community in the direct area that we'd be in, and then I started to think about New England. The things in New England that you can't get anywhere else, the way things are here, the inner mysteries of this land that makes it so magickal.
I hadn't shared this process much with anyone, we needed to make the decision on our own, and the idea of being so far away enticed me. Starting new, picking up and going, I felt like there were so many opportunities there awaiting me, but I wasn't oblivious to what I'd be leaving behind, or what Nimue would be missing in way of family.
My pro and con lists always came out dead even. I suppose pro and con lists really make no difference, but they're there to get you thinking, about the important and superficial and silly and marvelous things all at once.
After much debate, and there is some partial debate still occurring now in my mind, we have officially nixed Florida from the list of choices. We've decided to stay in New Hampshire, because there are a variety of opportunities here that I'm not ready to walk away from.
We haven't decided where, yet. We have a few places in mind that puts us farther away from this area, which is virtually like moving to another state for its distance, but I'm willing to sacrifice that kind of distance in order to keep us connected to New England.
It's a big step for us, in many areas, and I'm not sure my family will be all that happy when they realize the distance that we're looking at, because it'll put us even farther away from them. My MIL, for instance, will not be the least bit happy about this, but the distance there will be, childishly, pleasing.
Perhaps next week official disclosure on our move to family and friends will occur, but for now we're still trying to figure out where to go with this and all those little steps that can make a person crazy. The art of manifestation will need to be embraced in full balance, without expectation. That will be a tricky one, but worth the exercise.