It's raining today. The gloomy sort of rain, which is perfect for introspection, which in the early hours of today I have done, and it brought an awareness that we're in October. Not just the month, but the energy of what October brings in all its facets.
I'm excited for Samhain, as I am every year, but this month also brings the anniversary of one of the darkest moments of life, and while the older I get seems to lessen the impact of the memories, they're forever there, in a way that is not to be forgotten, but utilized, instead, as the reinforced empowerment of what has since transpired. It was the awakening, or what fueled my desire and desperation to find more. It was from that moment, from that incident and the subsequent weeks that followed that I first heard the Goddess' call. That was... 14 years ago... funny that I couldn't remember the years straight off the bat, but I suppose that's good, I'm not dwelling. The 11th year brought great change and an immense release that I won't forget. Like I said, I don't dwell, but Samhain will always be remembered for the day that changed much of who I am.
I've recently reconnected with my old covenmates after PPD, and Winter, the one covenmate I had such a connection with, has been including me in emails to her BFC coven, which is both nice and strange. I'm glad she has taken over where our old HP left, because her dedication is authentic, and her judgments aren't dysfunctional or plain bullying. At PPD she expressed that when I left the group that Raven (while I don't want to put him down, he no longer warrants the title "Lord") didn't seem to know how to facilitate. I felt sad hearing this in some ways, because a broken spirit is such a challenge to mend, but also sad for the rest of the group who clearly didn't know until PPD why I had left... such lies brewing all this time, the deception is quite a sad thing to process through. This is where the uninformed or ignorant would say "well, karma's a bitch, he'll get his"... it's not about the karmic consequences, we create our own karma based on the choices we make, he's aware of this, whether he's willing to admit it even now or not, but it's more about the integrity of self that begins to chip away, leaving oneself less than whole that creates more trauma than the karmic consequences being faced in the moment.
I was also, sadistically, happy to hear this. That inner brat/rebel/child within wanted to shout "HA", as though his deceptions could clearly only create such a dischord when his attempt to push me out was met with success... I'm not losing sight of my own role in this, I did choose to leave, as many probably would after the things that occurred, but it's such a sadness when someone in "authority" feels threatened instead of inspired. Apparently that is what was left when I chose to walk away. Ultimately a sad thing, which is probably why, in part, he felt it necessary to seek alternative religious practices. It was nice, though, to catch up with Winter and Meadow and see that there was no ill will, clearly he had lied to them too. It was a service within a disservice, because I have claimed calling to a deeper way of practice and learning.
It's back to routine next week, what that routine will entirely consist of I have yet to know. As my favorite time of year I want to delve further into the inner mysteries of self and what the guides have to offer. Samhain/Halloween decorating hasn't happened yet, between classes and then my cleansing this week (also known to some as simply "being sick"), I haven't had a chance to grab all the stuff to decorate, though the altar is done, not to reflect Samhain, it's reflecting the harvest season and come Samhain I will change my altar once more. I don't tend to change it up much after Samhain, simply keeping the energy flowing, it doesn't change much to reflect Yule which I may do this year, we'll see.
Tomorrow is the Full Moon in Aries: I AM. I am in need of embracing the true embodiment of the I AM consciousness. The mantra that comes to mind for this cycle is: I AM Peace. I am working on cultivating more peaceful ways of being and thinking. My plan for the Esbat tomorrow is to journey to my inner temple and speak to my ancestors about the cultivation of peace. I think this will also tie in with a decision I am in the process of making.
My moon has arrived in time with the Full Moon, and I feel the energies this time will be somewhat chaotic, just coming off the shadow of the retrograde, so I want to be particularly mindful during this Full Moon.