I feel inspired... inspired! I have been working on this piece for a couple of years now that I sometimes bring into the classes I teach and today while working on another piece, it started to reveal itself again. It's magnificent, and while I certainly can't take all the credit, as my guides have been instrumental in answering my questions, it's a huge step in this phase of putting it all together, and the next step is directing itself, even before I have had a chance to pretend to orchestrate its next move, it has pulled itself together and is pointing the way through the clearing in the forest... my my what a bright light that shines ahead...
I love those instrumental moments where clarity mixes with the muses and the canvas no longer feels like this immense, blank object standing before you... "It is green; it is aqua marine. It is colors I have never seen..."
It really is colors I have never seen. I love new/renewed self discovery. It's a culmination of the loss experienced last month. My dreams have been incredibly vivid, each moment is a sequence of moments entangled as one, without the need to cut them away or feel strangled by them, but moments upon moments that make you step outside of yourself and really see all that is there. ALL that is there. The last time I can recall having vision that intense was after my refuge vows. Clarity then was completely different than now, as it would be, because the clarity offered then was surrounded by an awakening I asked for. I did ask for clarity, here, and the openness in which the question was asked had truly no attachment.
The lack of attachment has been most recently judged by the outside as indifference in its most discordant ways. It's indifference, yes. It's gravity. It's the language piece. This is what it comes down to each and every time: language.
My language isn't above others, it isn't always vibrating in love and light. It's a constant reminder of what works, what doesn't, and what needs to be shifted. It has apparently come off as an illusion to others as "superiority". In a joking format I hold the title with much humor, however when the "gift" was laid out in front of me, with all of the things I lack and the ways in which I am dysfunctional -- it was a challenge to not want to throw that disgust away from me. However, it had value in the moment. Even now as a realization of how one person's truth is truly not your own, and how do you stay in the moment with someone else's perceptions that don't even feel like "lies", but simply feel like nothing to you: no thing. It comes off as superiority at times, as not caring, as the indifference of an ugly truth you are unwilling to see, though it's far from it, from any of it.
I'm not a confrontational person. I'm not proud at my natural instinct to simply walk away. I don't always identify as the Warrior aspect of the Goddess, though I have had to pull out my armor now and again. When my integrity is under attack I don't see it as a sign to come out fighting. Nor do I see it as a sign that I am meant to "defend". I don't even know how to relate to the aspect of defending oneself. Is it a problem? I don't know. I reflect back on Ruiz's work about how we're all characters in a story, and someone else has written up a character of who you are, to them, and the role you play in their story. It usually is not the version of who you are in your own story. I completely vibrate with his description of this.
When you can start to see yourself as a character, it changes everything. For me it allowed me to step outside of the story to see what aspect of the character was true, what aspect I enjoyed being that I could relate to, and what aspect did it trigger something in me that I didn't like. Even if it is a story, if you're willing to listen to it, there's an agreement there, to hold that space in the moment, and sometimes that holding space agreement can be misinterpreted as agreeing to play the role of said character.
I'm still standing at the entrance of my comfortable cave. The odd thing about processing through loss is that it does one of two things (in its extremes): you either appreciate and value everything around you and want to be closer to it; or you appreciate and value everything around you and want to not be closer to it. I'm teetering on the edge of the latter, where I am in deep gratitude for all the amazing gifts around me, but I am valuing alone time. Alone time that I find comfort in much too easily which becomes misconstrued as alienation, but it becomes a valued time for internal dialogue, something I think only other writers and introverts can really understand.
My altar begs to be redone, though we're both indecisive of how the flow must go. However, since I am in W2 it only seems appropriate to lay out the altar in a fairly "traditional" manner. It brings me back to old BFC days... my altar has been spirit-led since I left. Both have their values, but it was necessary for me to experience both extremes as part of my spiritual growth.
I feel this coming Yule and the return of the light is going to bring much more than the light itself. It feels powerful, yet subtle. I suppose "subtle" isn't the right word. It borders on subtlety but will be incredibly breathtaking for those with that conscious awakening and awareness. For me part of it is this project that I am working on -- oh how mysterious it sounds, but the true mystery is the empowerment. For now I am keeping it sacred until all the pieces come together perfectly. It means I must mix intellectual with action. It is manifestation in motion... incredible!