December days are quick in their short hours, but I have been in renewal since the month began. As each day brings us closer to the light, each day the light shines a new gratitude, or renewed gratitude, that I has this sense of relief from its presence.
Nimue has turned 4 today, and the beautiful memories that have gifted my day has been a treasure. She has been my greatest teacher; an ancient spirit of the ancient ones sharing her wisdom, her joy, her love and her pure, delicate light. She shares it so freely, it shadows my own light in only the most glorious of ways, and her being makes me want to be a better being. Some days I am better attuned with this aspect than others, but today was one of those days where I was just in the center of the Wheel, adoring this treasured Goddess-embodiment. It's no wonder she chose two amazing Goddesses to be named after...
I don't feel the heaviness this month that was weighed with loss as I did last month. It was painful, and the memory is still like a tender bruise, but the gift of present awareness and compassionate gratitude has been connected itself in spiraled energy from surface to core and back. Only a couple of days later did it dawn on me that the anniversary of Kamala's death was here, as she reached me in the dreamworld.
To say my dreams have been heightened to this thin level of standing with both feet on either side is an understatement. The process of release in loss has been worked through and healed in the dreamworld, and I began to delve into other aspects of parallel work that was helpful in my growth and healing to my spirit.
I participated, on the anniversary of Kamala's passing, in a rare display of extreme dysfunctional C/C loop communication. It was ridiculous. It had no function... well, I suppose I couldn't say that, after all the awareness alone that I was in this vortex of dysfunction had value. I didn't fully see myself in the C/C loop until the end of the conversation, and I had this moment where I smirked to myself, thinking of Kamala, and realizing this was her gift. It was her memory, this aspect of her legacy to carry on in my personal work. She always knew that I could understand the Four Forces in a way that made it such a natural process for me, and it had been her hope that I would take over her classes. Training ensued, but I left, creating an alternate realm where this work continues in the "modern" form she had wanted. I can't say that I don't have any desire to continue it in this time, but I know that it's not the time right now.
After this reality of dreamscape conversation I finally dropped into Gravity the next day. My comfort area, the GEM Loop is a natural place for me to be, which explains much of the humor surrounding my lack of presence in linear time and my ability to not participate in the "dance" of the C/C Loop.
The concept of the Four Forces isn't a terribly difficult concept to explain, yet it's not really for me to explain, as the work has, essentially, been left to another, so I feel I can only speak of these terms, in this somewhat coded manner, knowing that it makes sense to me (and those who have taken the Four Forces, but more importantly actually understand it), but Gravity can sometimes be equated to Grounding and Centering. You drop out of the chaos around you, drop into Self. It is free of judgment, free of the "either/or" game; it's complete neutrality. It's observation; it's awareness.
I have a natural tendency to the Gravity state of consciousness, and that day I dropped into Gravity; I observed the dance around me, looked at my interpretation of this dance, and I let it go. The Full Moon was amazingly powerful, and standing in the center of the theme of this cycle: I Adapt, brought a twist in the adaptation of present moment awareness.
I bathed myself in the light of the Moon, the Lady guiding me into this cleansing that grounded me instantly and began the releasing process. It was calm and beautiful, grounding and natural (a key theme for me today it seems), but it wasn't the only process of release I would experience, and She made me aware of that.
Later that evening I experienced the balance in polar extremes that She spoke of, and the purging that ensued was horrific. It was extremely painful, and while I rarely beg, I begged. I begged and pleaded and then, when in doubt, I breathed. I breathed from a place of trauma and felt my body lighten. It lightened not from the actual purge, but from a shift in consciousness that was necessary for my "survival" in the moment.
Let me clarify "survival": it was the pivotal point in the release. The purging and releasing isn't necessarily indicative of what is ejected, but rather when that sort of critical mass takes place and your body (this physical manifestation of what your spirit self is experiencing) makes a choice. A choice... a piece in the Pyramid that I have been spending so much time "perfecting" before truly delving into sharing it forward.
My mental self has no participation in this post which probably makes no "sense" at this point. It's part of the dreamworld/dreamscape that dances with reality. It's a dream within a dream, which has become a dance within a dance, and that dance has some incredibly powerful steps.