Tuesday, December 29, 2009

In the hour of return, which year is which?

Mercury retrograde has begun, the Blue Moon is nearly upon us, and the calendar year is coming to an end... it's a bustling of energy moving around, and I've taken this past week to examine the vortex and the Wheel and my place in it (and around it).  Last night's dream gave me deeper insight into something I hadn't realized was truly a deep-seeded issue.  There was no glamour involved, simply the message, straightforward, and provocatively blunt.  I admit I'm still slightly rattled in my core, but a rattling that the inner spirit hears and is taking hold of the rattle, now.

The year is coming to an end, though I don't put much stock in 'relief' or 'excitement' that one ends and another begins, I'm fairly neutral when it comes to the calendar year in general. 

As Witches, we celebrate the New Year at Samhain, and for me that really begins the new year.  Come January 1st I am reevaluating what has been going on since Samhain and take the day for deep contemplation (which a few of my friends have commented that they think I "contemplate" too much -- which I think could be a case of worry if it wasn't met with direct action, but I digress...), and, come my birthday, I transition into the third and final phase of the new year where I put everything into motion.  That's the key there, the action/motion of what has been planted.  The third phase solidifies the growing process.  After all, isn't the day of our birth really beginning another "new" year anyway?  Perhaps I would think differently if all of these things weren't happening in the same general time frame, I'm not sure.  I suppose if I were born in the summer this entire thought process would be moot and my way of practice would shift.  Maybe.

November was virtually nonexistent in that I didn't accomplish practically anything.  Well, I didn't accomplish what I had intended, however other things were accomplished... the reminder to neutralize statements as well as observe and honor the gratitude in what each situation has to bring.  It's a continual process, and I feel like I'm standing on the verbal ledge observing my language more so now than before.

My guides are sharing with me some information on things they'd like to see me do that would, essentially, be slightly contradictory at this time of the retrograde.  It's not starting anything new, so it's not completely out there, it is a completion of sorts, but I'm not digging too far to figure out the "why's", but instead looking within and realizing how natural it feels, so I'm trusting my instincts here, and asking that all correspondences be for my highest good.

I had a really interesting conversation with one of the systers from ADC.  We have never spoken more than in email, so when she had asked if we could have a phone conversation it threw me slightly in that I knew it must be necessary so as not to confuse what email (the written word) can sometimes entail.

We spoke a bit about hexing, and I was eager to hear her thoughts.  She has been a Dianic HPS for 20+ years, and while I share that not as a way for others to bow down to her, but more speaking of her years of practice and devotion and having studied directly under the Dianic Mother, Z.  Her perspective was good to hear, from someone who has directly performed hexes and sharing how it stems from a place of love, when we say "For the love of All may patriarchy fall", it is a hex.  I admit, I never looked at it that way.  It is a phrase I am quite familiar with and stand behind, but to see it layered from another perspective was quite unique and a gift.

I find value in hexing, I do, and as I shared with the systers of ADC my first spell, one that I had written, was a hex.  It was to hex those who had harmed me in my sexual assault.  That was about 13 or so years ago?  Time can be a funny thing when you look back.

In retrospect I would have approached the spell in the same manner, to hex, however, I know there were components naturally missing.  However, it then led me to self healing from the inside out.

I'm not sure if she misunderstood that I don't find value in hexing, but it was a rich conversation none the less.  My choice in not performing hexing as part of my practice now isn't equated with me saying that I don't think anyone should never do them.  I think with any spellwork, with anything involving the art and science of the Craft needs to be met with an educated background, and sometimes that education results from pure trial and error.  Is it right or wrong?  I couldn't say.  As we progress through our personal journey's there is an aspect of us that is always in that dance of trial and error -- and, with pure intention for the highest good, I don't think it can be measured or analyzed in a simplistic lab of right or wrong. 

It was nice to connect, to hear her voice on the other end after knowing her and reading her messages on the list all these years.  Several of us from ADC would like to get together and have a retreat sometime in the future.  I can see that, us gathering together, sitting around the fire in circle, sharing and laughing and singing and celebrating in Her name.  I'm not sure when, but it feels more like a "when" than an "if".

I'm thinking of heading out later for a night of music, though I see the long list of things that must get done and the long drive that could be spared by tackling the many projects that don't care for excuses.  Still, it might be nice to abandon it all for the night...

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Sunday, December 20, 2009

Communicative errors - the retrograde & beyond

I feel the misalignment of communication luring around the corner.  Not necessarily out of intention, but with Mercury turning retrograde once more before the end of this year it's a natural progression of this time, and in the shadow of the retrograde I am already noticing it. 

I had nearly forgotten that we had one more retrograde to go before the year was over.  It will run through my birthday next month, tied obviously into my Sun sign of Capricorn this time around, which will be particularly strong for introspection.  I have been delving within much this month, looking to refocus on certain aspects that I want to pay special attention to in the coming year.  I like what my dear friend Wendy does in creating goals for each of the 5 elements -- perhaps I will do the same for my birthday.  I started to think about it last night, so many tying into one another, as is a natural tendency with the elements when you look at the notion of all is one in the divine mind.  It's all One, but the separation is necessary for focus, for me.

I feel like it's going to be a strong year for me -- they say the "3" is focused this year on "creativity", which ties in brilliantly with the work I'll be focusing on in the year, but I am also in the energy of "balance" with this coming 3 -- the balance between two extremes, and this is a key point for me personally with a return to gravity, return to neutrality, and, with the retrograde in Capricorn: return return return.  I'm taking full advantage of this introspective time, and while normally I save much important communication (if it can wait) until after the retrograde, I am being clearly told that I will be right in the center of it, irregardless of my awareness of conscious communication or not, it's necessary for certain aspects of fumbling along in language.  It's not to be mistaken for careless language, the fumbling isn't about unconsciousness, it's not to negate kindness in communication, far from it.

I've been feeling the language barriers come up.  I'm not proficient in astrology, though, like most people on this path or similar New Age thinking, I keep track of when Mercury goes retrograde.  This understanding now of the Shadow aspect of the retrograde is fascinating and completely true.  It's really no different than womyn who experience their moon cycles and how it isn't simply for the week they are experiencing it, but the week before and the week after.  The release is extraordinary when you're looking at the culmination of the energy surfacing at the beginning, the release, then the aftermath.  Amazing.

It's the eve of the Solstice, blessings of snow have fallen upon New England and I took Nimue out in it this morning to play, throw snowballs around, even if I have fully accepted the fact that I will probably never make a decent snowball to save my life, we had a ton of fun, and she made her first snow angel... it was a great family day, much gratitude for these quiet days alone.

Tomorrow I am planning a Yule ritual after Nimue goes to bed, bringing in the light, gratitude for the Sun's blessings... so many blessings this year... I'm so acutely aware of the "small things" in life, the gratitude that each of those small things bring, even in the pain of loss that is still tender at this time (it has been a month since Jonathan and Amy's passing, to the day), I'm not losing sight of what each moment brings, and how I wish those moments to end.  It's not fear-based, for once it doesn't feel at all attached to fear, just this necessity to figure it out, to understand and acknowledge gifts, in a more heart-centered place.

Excited for the return of the Sun... return of the light... but more importantly sharing that light.  Let it emanate from us all, and return, threefold.

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Friday, December 18, 2009

The broom closet

I'm a Witch.  Openly out of the broom closet, I sometimes forget the road to coming out, and how others don't quite have the same blessings and opportunity many of us do have by being out.  It can sometimes come at a price, with many judgments, pain, and loss.  I think many of us forget that sometimes, I know I do.

I've been a practicing Witch for over 13 years.  An awakening that felt so natural, so much like coming home, my life is so rich from this connection to Goddess, which has connected me to some amazing systers and brothers in the Craft.

I came out of the broom closet early on, once I identified and realized that I was Witch, I wore my pentacle openly, and that was a huge step.  Even then, 13 years ago, it was a different time, such a different time.  I think the different levels of acceptance continue to shift, mostly for the better over time, but the levels of ignorance vary, though it's still there, some aspects more progressive than others...

I think we sometimes take for granted the ease in which we wear our pentacles.  I know I do at times.  It's been most recently that I have been having conversations with friends who are still in the broom closet, how they long to wear their pentacles out in public, to be able to attend such events as Pagan Pride Day so openly as I do, to even have their ritual tattoo art honoring their path not have to be hidden from others.  It's a sad reality, and even though some of the progression has been for the better, it doesn't make up for those living in fear of persecution.  It may not be the Burning Times, but people still have a lot to lose in being so open about their spirituality.

I can remember a time shortly after I had moved in with my husband (then boyfriend), and he had borrowed my car to go visit his mother.  When he came back I got in the car and noticed my pentacle was missing -- he had taken it off the rear view mirror and placed it in the glove compartment so as not to "offend" his mother, who has had issues with us being together since the beginning of our relationship.  She's by no means an extremist in her religious beliefs, but, like many of the baby boomers and beyond, Paganism is evil, it's not a legitimate religion, and, from his point of view, he didn't want to create any waves, but still, it had offended me at the time.  I had worn my pentacle openly, but it's not the same as coming out and saying you're a Witch.

There is a naive notion in some traditions that believe if you can't vocalize it then you're not really one, that you're still standing in shame from previous religious upbringing, etc.  I understand the general notion of how prideful and empowering it can be when you vocalize it, not to others, but to yourself.  It is a tradition, after all, between you and the Goddess, not society to approve or disapprove of. 

While the "rejection" I received by being open about my beliefs have been minor, they are rejections none the less, and they hurt.  I had a friend in high school, who I had known for a couple of years and was fairly close to find out that I practiced Witchcraft.  She stopped speaking to me, telling me "I didn't know you were one of them."  She was a very religious Christian, and we often spoke about religion, but she never once asked me what mine was.

I can recall going to a job interview and, unconsciously, not wearing my pentacle openly.  Perhaps there was a sense there that I might not get the job if I had it out, and after being hired I began to wear it, and my boss began to treat me differently.  His partner always had questions, but my boss never looked me in the eye again, and most often spoke to me through his partner.  It was strange, and distasteful, but it was a reality I accepted knowing that, at that time (and to some degree even now), people can be ignorant, and fear is quite a powerful hate.

You still hear of people losing their jobs, losing their families, being persecuted because of their willingness to stand, proudly, out of a broom closet that we should never have to endure standing in to begin with.

I have had several friends over the years who were secretly practicing Witchcraft, even from their spouses and partners!  Such a major aspect of themselves, how do you hide it?  How do you hide you?  I understand the fear, I do, it's a personal journey to embrace and transform, but in partnership with another, how do you share a life together when you feel that the other won't accept your beliefs? 

It's been a while since someone has recoiled in fear/disgust/ignorance at me for being a Witch... the last time that happened?  Jonathan's wake.  His brother, who is much older and I had never met, saw me talking to his sister (who apparently is quite fascinated by Witchcraft) and he looked at my pentacle and had this strange face of trying to place something he couldn't quite figure out.  He asked me what it meant, and I told him.  He literally recoiled several steps back, as though he could be struck down by merely sharing the same air as me.  It was strange, because I have not really ever had that kind of reaction.  There are the inquisitive ones who want to know more or who were brought up to believe Witchcraft is evil, but I would say 9 out of 10 times the shift is different because I don't, stereotypically, represent what a "typical" Witch looks like.  "Witches like neon, really?"... and we're even known to scramble our own eggs... go figure...

But at Jonathan's wake, to have his brother step back, I knew it wouldn't be an easy conversation.  We were both hurting at the loss of a wonderful man, though his relationship with his brother wasn't pleasant.  Jonathan was openly gay, not something his brother seemed to accept.  His brother is a staunch Catholic, with beliefs that homosexuality is wrong, that it will lead you to hell, that suicide is wrong... sad to think of where he believes his brother might be now...

He was looking to have an argument, I could tell.  He was in mourning and in grief, probably deeper than most people realized at having a dysfunctional relationship with his brother.  He accused me of buying Jonathan a book on astrology... astrology of all things, you would think I bought him a book on Voodoo art... pathetic.  He stood there, asking if I knew that I was on the "wrong" side, if I knew that God was the only right thing and how I was following the devil, etc etc. 

I'm not a confrontational person, I'm not.  Even in that moment, someone going on the defense, feeling the need to save my soul from the seduction of the devil, it didn't upset me, it just saddened me.  It saddened me for him, for his strict way of believing and living his life didn't allow any sense of openness to embrace another person's beauty, just as they are.  That's sad.  It's terrifying.

It has nothing to do with Christianity vs Witchcraft, far from it.  It's simple ignorance.  I don't think he much cared that I wasn't fighting him.  I didn't want to fight.  I don't feel the need to defend myself, and I think the one-sided discussion was more than speaking about religion.  I could see he was filtering through something in himself.

He went on to tell me how he grew up confused, looking for meaning in his life and found God.  God came to him, spoke to him, and he then started to get "proof" that his God is the only God... proof... he went on and on about this hard-core proof he had, how he had spoken to scholars and priests and they showed him the proof. 

It was the strangest conversation to have, and his sister simply stood next to me, unsure of how to react, because even he didn't know of her intrigue in Witchcraft.  He waited for me to say something, and all I could think of in that moment was "I'm happy you've found the path for you".  That's all I wanted to say.  I didn't want to debate him, not just because we were at a wake and it was completely inappropriate, but because I don't do debates.  I don't mind hearing your story, I'm actually intrigued by other religions, as I wasn't brought up in any sort of religion, but I also don't go around talking about the "proof" and how "mistaken" you will be in the "end"... another thing he informed me of, of my own ignorance, that in the end when I came face to face with the Creator I will be shocked to see Jesus. 

It was a strange conversation.  Sad that people feel the need to lecture vs share, and to force their "true" way onto you as the "only" way.  He did comment that he was surprised at how I didn't seem like a devil-worshiper.  Oh the sarcastic remarks that flew around in my head... inappropriate for the moment, but still, I wouldn't have responded in any other way, mourning or not.  Too much ignorance and hate is what lends fuel to the fire when it comes to Witchcraft.  I certainly don't speak for the lot of Pagans; you gather a room full of us and we're all different from the person we're standing next to.  We're rich in diversity... I quite like it that way.  Still, I wouldn't want someone else ignorantly speaking on my behalf, and I'm sure the same is true for others not wanting me to be the spokesperson for Paganism with my focus on devotional practice vs the science.

13 years later my work has been directly influenced by my journey as a Witch, especially out of the broom closet.  I commend those who have the strength to come out, and I honor those who choose to stay in, for the step is huge, and not everyone feels ready/willing/safe to come out.  After the conversation at the wake I can't say I blame them -- we're not a hundred percent there yet.  But when I think about seeing all of those beautiful, diverse faces at Pagan Pride... how the numbers grow each year, and to stand together, worshiping the Goddess as One... it's such a beautiful sight.

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Non resolutions

I'm one of those non-resolution makers.  I don't make them.  I plant seeds in the new year at Samhain, so come January's new year, I am already in the manifestation of my goals for the year.  Also, with my birthday just a couple of days after the new year (January's, that is), I take a moment to refocus and shift what hasn't been working since Samhain as I focus on the year ahead -- my year ahead, vs the energy of this one day set up for whatever mindset we convince ourselves is fitting.

They say resolutions don't work because people set themselves up for failure, or that they do work if you put your mind to it.  Then there's the argument that there's too much emphasis on this one day to change your life.  Maybe all of them are right, I don't know.  I haven't focused much on why I do or don't do it, but rather I think of it as this vortex in the moment: what do I want?  Then I go from there.  The date isn't essential.  While I do plan things, like any good Witch, during the moon cycles and Sabbats or any other major planetary movement that I am aware of (since I am still only sporting basic astrology knowledge), if intention is there and you're in the mindset for the highest good, these other things can be 'forgiven' if you forget.

The other day I did a small, but powerful, ritual at my altar.  It was a release, and since then I have been carrying a major headache.  3 days so far.  It's not from lack of grounding, I did that, many times to be sure, and it's coinciding with my own moon cycle, so for the moment there's this surge of energy that is rising to my upper chakras, and the necessary aspect is that I need to journal this out, the overload of thoughts rising.  Good thoughts, truly productive thoughts, but they're stewing in the mind without a sense of progression.  That's what the headache is about.  It's compression of the mental aspect not being released. 

After the ritual I was thinking about my altar, and I did some minor changes, and while it works for the moment, I'm not fully content with it.  Something is missing, and I know what that something is, I just need to find where I had placed it.

After the drama/trauma of BFC so much had shifted in my way of practice.  Mostly for the better, though I had a discipline during that time that isn't quite measured the same now, but in a British Traditionalist path the discipline is generally quite stricter than other traditions, so it's purpose-less to compare.

I came across my old journal from my BFC years, particularly the one where I was getting ready to elevate and my then-HP decided I wasn't ready because I wasn't a very good "follower".  This came up any time he had a thought, asked our questions and I had a question in return.  Isn't that what good facilitators do?  Allow the space for open dialogue instead of assuming their way is the one and only way?  Rereading those entries was saddening to a point, because the general 'family' dynamic within the tradition itself (not within the coven I was a part of) is what I miss the most.  You have it for 5 years then in an instant you leave and it's all gone, as though it never was. 

He's now a born-again... it may sound awful, but whenever I think about this I can't help but roll my eyes and snicker just a bit.  It's not a surprise, but what a shame for everyone else who followed him and had to endure his doctrines of Christianity that he wasn't willing to leave behind as one who supposedly identified as being Pagan. 

Ew... a lot of judgment in that statement.  We chose to endure his doctrines, as we chose to be part of his coven.  I chose to be part of his coven.  I could have studied online, I could have traveled to one of the other states, but I chose to be there.  There is still some residual anger there, for his agenda, for the lack of voice I possessed at that time.  Yet, I ask myself why I'm still angry, when I'm more than content with where my path has taken me now?  I'm not sure I know how to answer that, instead to say that it was just painful, and sad, to be part of something that was full of judgment, and my experience then of assuming it was OK to be in that energy field.  A valuable lesson, and, with some judgment, I am glad that he is back in a tradition that he never fully left, so that he can stop sharing pre-conditioned and programmed judgment to other initiates.  May he find his true light there.

I got a message in my FB the other day about the Garchen Buddhist Centre in Singapore and the all day White Tara retreat they're going to be doing on January 1st, asking that we recite the White Tara mantra for Rinpoche's long and healthy life.  They're hoping they can accumulate 100 million White Tara mantras and asking those who can't be there to email in their count.  I'm excited for this and plan to joyfully take part on the 1st.  I wish I had been keeping count of the White Tara mantras I have been doing since my retreat with Rinpoche back in '04. 

He had asked us to recite the mantra 500,000 times, and that if we could do a million that would be wonderful.  One of the things I'd like to focus on is keeping actual count of how many White Tara mantras I do and reach the 500,000.  I have no expectations one way or the other in terms of reaching it next year, but plugging away at it with Her image and being in full awareness is my intention.

Tomorrow I have my W2 class and looking forward to seeing everyone.  After initiation last month I think we all grew a bit closer, and certainly more vocal, and I so genuinely like each and every one of them, it's something I look forward to each month.

With that said, I was hoping to get the next chapter read before class tomorrow night.

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The snow, the winter, the stay

The rumours of snow are true -- woke up this morning to see the ground covered and the flakes continuing to come down.  I, personally, love snow.  I love winter, especially the first real snowfall, the big one where everything looks like a sentimental postcard.  I adore it.  It's precisely the reason why I adore New England and prefer to call this area my home.

I lived in California for a year as a child, and while the first month was exciting, when it came to the darker half of the year it was a complete disappointment, and I longed for the cold, for the snow, for the winters I had grown accustomed to as a child.

In our talks about the possibility of moving to Florida this was pretty much on the top of my "con" list.  I didn't know if I could go through missing another snowstorm, missing the bitter cold, missing the various layers for warmth only appreciated during this time of year.  Even though all of the signs kept pointing to stay here, Florida was beckoning us, but now, looking out the window, seeing the snow fall and fall, I'm glad we opted to stay.  Aside from a number of other reasons to stay, the weather itself was huge priority.  It's a reflection of how you tend to appreciate what you have when it's gone.

My sleep has been off for a good week now.  My dreams extremely vivid, it doesn't feel like sleep at all, but a journey into the other realms to continue work, and in this space and time I generally "awake" exhausted.  The last 2 days I have needed to nap, and even in the nap the dreams have been wild.  Yesterday I was woken up by my panicky moans of fear, a continuation from the dream before.  They all seem to be continuation of dream after dream after dream.  They're all related, and that's not something my dreams have done in quite some years.

It's been a crossing over the veils, which has been beneficial in the healing process, and I awake carrying some form of inspiration to work on.  It's a beautiful gift, yes, but I am ready for the balance in rested sleep.

Next week ADC starts Chapter 2 in HBWM.  There are still some questions in the first chapter that I am exploring for myself.  I've been thinking about spellwork in such a different capacity, and while it has this balance within being a magickal act(ion) it's also polar in its stillness of devotion/prayer.  It's made me see the imbalance within my own practice of spellwork, at least in this moment with delving into W2.  I haven't felt the need to practice spells in the way I once had with BFC.  My path took me deeper into devotion, which is not to say that there is no room for spells, but the identity of the spells took on a different meaning, so its actions were changed as well.

I'm still struggling with this piece, this outward expansion of Self where it's available to all.  Seems silly as a Priestess, where you put yourself out there, but the energy and intention is sometimes different.  Holding space for another and facilitating their awareness isn't the same as holding space for yourself in a revealing manner.  Then again, that may be the piece that holds me back: revealing.  It is unveiling, it is release, it is sharing and allowing the art of priestessing to be circular, not simply with shapes that allow for rest in the corner.

I find such comfort in holding space for another.  Listening and sharing love is where my work begins, but when the focus is shifted to me the corners in the shapes is where I long to be.  It makes me think back to my friend who was taking "inventory" of herself.  The bravery it took to open yourself up to these various perceptions.  All part of a story, yes, but the story has value, especially if you can relate to it or are triggered by it.

The story is unfolding, and the character is expanding, but it doesn't work if she seeks solitude out of fear.  I can't say that it's "never" worked.  Each moment has had its purpose, each moment has had its value.  My "problem" is that I'm not identifying with that purpose or that value from then... and there is a part of me that is trying to convince myself that it's not ok, only it is. I don't identify with the then because it was then.  So obviously then that it humors me in its simplicity.

Such random reflections on this snowy day...

)0(

Directing/Directions

I feel inspired... inspired!  I have been working on this piece for a couple of years now that I sometimes bring into the classes I teach and today while working on another piece, it started to reveal itself again.  It's magnificent, and while I certainly can't take all the credit, as my guides have been instrumental in answering my questions, it's a huge step in this phase of putting it all together, and the next step is directing itself, even before I have had a chance to pretend to orchestrate its next move, it has pulled itself together and is pointing the way through the clearing in the forest... my my what a bright light that shines ahead...

I love those instrumental moments where clarity mixes with the muses and the canvas no longer feels like this immense, blank object standing before you... "It is green; it is aqua marine.  It is colors I have never seen..."

It really is colors I have never seen.  I love new/renewed self discovery.  It's a culmination of the loss experienced last month.  My dreams have been incredibly vivid, each moment is a sequence of moments entangled as one, without the need to cut them away or feel strangled by them, but moments upon moments that make you step outside of yourself and really see all that is there.  ALL that is there.  The last time I can recall having vision that intense was after my refuge vows.  Clarity then was completely different than now, as it would be, because the clarity offered then was surrounded by an awakening I asked for.  I did ask for clarity, here, and the openness in which the question was asked had truly no attachment.

The lack of attachment has been most recently judged by the outside as indifference in its most discordant ways.  It's indifference, yes.  It's gravity.  It's the language piece.  This is what it comes down to each and every time: language.

My language isn't above others, it isn't always vibrating in love and light.  It's a constant reminder of what works, what doesn't, and what needs to be shifted.  It has apparently come off as an illusion to others as "superiority".  In a joking format I hold the title with much humor, however when the "gift" was laid out in front of me, with all of the things I lack and the ways in which I am dysfunctional -- it was a challenge to not want to throw that disgust away from me.  However, it had value in the moment.  Even now as a realization of how one person's truth is truly not your own, and how do you stay in the moment with someone else's perceptions that don't even feel like "lies", but simply feel like nothing to you: no thing.  It comes off as superiority at times, as not caring, as the indifference of an ugly truth you are unwilling to see, though it's far from it, from any of it.

I'm not a confrontational person.  I'm not proud at my natural instinct to simply walk away.  I don't always identify as the Warrior aspect of the Goddess, though I have had to pull out my armor now and again.  When my integrity is under attack I don't see it as a sign to come out fighting.  Nor do I see it as a sign that I am meant to "defend".  I don't even know how to relate to the aspect of defending oneself.  Is it a problem?  I don't know.  I reflect back on Ruiz's work about how we're all characters in a story, and someone else has written up a character of who you are, to them, and the role you play in their story.  It usually is not the version of who you are in your own story.  I completely vibrate with his description of this.

When you can start to see yourself as a character, it changes everything.  For me it allowed me to step outside of the story to see what aspect of the character was true, what aspect I enjoyed being that I could relate to, and what aspect did it trigger something in me that I didn't like.  Even if it is a story, if you're willing to listen to it, there's an agreement there, to hold that space in the moment, and sometimes that holding space agreement can be misinterpreted as agreeing to play the role of said character.

I'm still standing at the entrance of my comfortable cave.  The odd thing about processing through loss is that it does one of two things (in its extremes): you either appreciate and value everything around you and want to be closer to it; or you appreciate and value everything around you and want to not be closer to it.  I'm teetering on the edge of the latter, where I am in deep gratitude for all the amazing gifts around me, but I am valuing alone time.  Alone time that I find comfort in much too easily which becomes misconstrued as alienation, but it becomes a valued time for internal dialogue, something I think only other writers and introverts can really understand.

My altar begs to be redone, though we're both indecisive of how the flow must go.  However, since I am in W2 it only seems appropriate to lay out the altar in a fairly "traditional" manner.  It brings me back to old BFC days... my altar has been spirit-led since I left.  Both have their values, but it was necessary for me to experience both extremes as part of my spiritual growth.

I feel this coming Yule and the return of the light is going to bring much more than the light itself.  It feels powerful, yet subtle.  I suppose "subtle" isn't the right word.  It borders on subtlety but will be incredibly breathtaking for those with that conscious awakening and awareness.  For me part of it is this project that I am working on -- oh how mysterious it sounds, but the true mystery is the empowerment.  For now I am keeping it sacred until all the pieces come together perfectly.  It means I must mix intellectual with action.  It is manifestation in motion... incredible!

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Sunday, December 6, 2009

Dream within a dream within a reality within the dance.

December days are quick in their short hours, but I have been in renewal since the month began.  As each day brings us closer to the light, each day the light shines a new gratitude, or renewed gratitude, that I has this sense of relief from its presence.

Nimue has turned 4 today, and the beautiful memories that have gifted my day has been a treasure.  She has been my greatest teacher; an ancient spirit of the ancient ones sharing her wisdom, her joy, her love and her pure, delicate light.  She shares it so freely, it shadows my own light in only the most glorious of ways, and her being makes me want to be a better being.  Some days I am better attuned with this aspect than others, but today was one of those days where I was just in the center of the Wheel, adoring this treasured Goddess-embodiment.  It's no wonder she chose two amazing Goddesses to be named after...

I don't feel the heaviness this month that was weighed with loss as I did last month.  It was painful, and the memory is still like a tender bruise, but the gift of present awareness and compassionate gratitude has been connected itself in spiraled energy from surface to core and back.  Only a couple of days later did it dawn on me that the anniversary of Kamala's death was here, as she reached me in the dreamworld.

To say my dreams have been heightened to this thin level of standing with both feet on either side is an understatement.  The process of release in loss has been worked through and healed in the dreamworld, and I began to delve into other aspects of parallel work that was helpful in my growth and healing to my spirit.

I participated, on the anniversary of Kamala's passing, in a rare display of extreme dysfunctional C/C loop communication.  It was ridiculous.  It had no function... well, I suppose I couldn't say that, after all the awareness alone that I was in this vortex of dysfunction had value.  I didn't fully see myself in the C/C loop until the end of the conversation, and I had this moment where I smirked to myself, thinking of Kamala, and realizing this was her gift.  It was her memory, this aspect of her legacy to carry on in my personal work.  She always knew that I could understand the Four Forces in a way that made it such a natural process for me, and it had been her hope that I would take over her classes.  Training ensued, but I left, creating an alternate realm where this work continues in the "modern" form she had wanted.  I can't say that I don't have any desire to continue it in this time, but I know that it's not the time right now.

After this reality of dreamscape conversation I finally dropped into Gravity the next day.  My comfort area, the GEM Loop is a natural place for me to be, which explains much of the humor surrounding my lack of presence in linear time and my ability to not participate in the "dance" of the C/C Loop.

The concept of the Four Forces isn't a terribly difficult concept to explain, yet it's not really for me to explain, as the work has, essentially, been left to another, so I feel I can only speak of these terms, in this somewhat coded manner, knowing that it makes sense to me (and those who have taken the Four Forces, but more importantly actually understand it), but Gravity can sometimes be equated to Grounding and Centering.  You drop out of the chaos around you, drop into Self.  It is free of judgment, free of the "either/or" game; it's complete neutrality.  It's observation; it's awareness.

I have a natural tendency to the Gravity state of consciousness, and that day I dropped into Gravity; I observed the dance around me, looked at my interpretation of this dance, and I let it go.  The Full Moon was amazingly powerful, and standing in the center of the theme of this cycle: I Adapt, brought a twist in the adaptation of present moment awareness.

I bathed myself in the light of the Moon, the Lady guiding me into this cleansing that grounded me instantly and began the releasing process.  It was calm and beautiful, grounding and natural (a key theme for me today it seems), but it wasn't the only process of release I would experience, and She made me aware of that.

Later that evening I experienced the balance in polar extremes that She spoke of, and the purging that ensued was horrific.  It was extremely painful, and while I rarely beg, I begged.  I begged and pleaded and then, when in doubt, I breathed.  I breathed from a place of trauma and felt my body lighten.  It lightened not from the actual purge, but from a shift in consciousness that was necessary for my "survival" in the moment.

Let me clarify "survival": it was the pivotal point in the release.  The purging and releasing isn't necessarily indicative of what is ejected, but rather when that sort of critical mass takes place and your body (this physical manifestation of what your spirit self is experiencing) makes a choice.  A choice... a piece in the Pyramid that I have been spending so much time "perfecting" before truly delving into sharing it forward.

My mental self has no participation in this post which probably makes no "sense" at this point.  It's part of the dreamworld/dreamscape that dances with reality.  It's a dream within a dream, which has become a dance within a dance, and that dance has some incredibly powerful steps.

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