Monday, September 22, 2008

The sicker the "better"

Mabon truly marks the beginning of my favorite time of year -- entering into the fall season with wonderful changing leaves, this is why I love New England, it has true joyous mystery surrounding the area, and I love to bathe myself in that energy.

I am recovering from a cold. It feels like it's lasting forever, but my sense of time always seems to be a bit skewed. I often say I'm the world's whiniest person when sick, but I understand it's a cry from the inner child for comfort, for her "mommy" to come and take care of her, sit in bed with her and rub her hair while she's sick, sing her songs and make her soup. I did what I could to nurture my inner child's desires, and much of that was sitting up in bed and having a good cry, virtually about "nothing", but the act itself was more healing than any medicine could offer.

I find humor (and much annoyance I must admit) to others giving me advice when I am sick... "you know what ya gotta do..." It annoys me almost more than the cold itself, as though I have never been sick before, as though I get sick much too often, as though they have the one defining remedy to my illness. Still, with kindness I listen, while the inner brat rolls her eyes and grows increasingly annoyed with phone calls/emails and the like sharing unwanted advice. I know others mean well, but when you're sick, you just want someone to say "I hope you get better"... that's it, the end.

Let me clarify by saying that all the advice wasn't some master home remedy that has worked for them, it was clear western advice of "take some zinc... make sure you get some Dayquil... are you taking any vitamin C?" And my favorite: "you should get some sleep"... oh, should I?

It's no secret I have issues with insomnia. When I am sick it's actually harder for me to sleep. I slept 1 day out of the 4 I had a cold. Perhaps why I was overly emotional and snippy... I actually sat up in bed one night just saying over and over between sobs "I JUST WANT TO SLEEEEEP". It's the little things, such as a good night's sleep, that I appreciate greatly when I get it. I consider myself lucky that I am mostly a decent human being on lack of sleep... mostly ;)

The funny thing that most don't understand is that this cold right now, this is part of my process. Every March/April and September I get sick, quite sick. In the spring I am known to rush to the ER with a diagnosis that always is beyond absurd to me (such as the year I got the "Cruise ship virus" when I hadn't been on a cruise before... or really near anyone who had been), but I am a believer in mixing eastern and western medicine, doing what I can from an energetic perspective and calling upon my healing team to help while still accepting help from the western world of healing.

Is it no coincidence that we are looking at the Ostara and Mabon when I am sick? Every year, like clockwork. It's my spiritual cleanse. My body wishes to move out the old, and sometimes the only way it can (or sometimes, oddly enough, the only way I will *allow* it to) move out is through a cold, one that stops me in my tracks to have no choice but evaluate my life, my choices, my thoughts, my everything.

Some years are better than others. This year is a good year, despite my whining, as this time last year I had a fever of over 100 for 2 weeks that nothing in medicine could shake. I was in deep processing, and a great deal was purged from me, allowing for deeper access to subconscious issues needing healing that I didn't know I would ever be able to access.

This year is better, although gross and tiresome, I understand it's purpose, so in those sleepless nights of tears I opened my ears to the voice of the Goddess, to hear beyond Her whispers, but rather hear the whispers within Her whispers... as I understand Her messages, bits and pieces of the cold chip away. Every moment has been a new inner discovery, but I can understand how those skeptical of a spiritual cleanse choose to see instead someone who is sick because of a thousand different reasons.

It's true that when someone gets sick they have already been sick days before in their auric system -- it penetrates levels of ourselves, giving opportunity for healing before it hits the physical body, but sometimes we either don't see (or want to see/pay attention) to those signs and it becomes necessary to go through the physical ailment.

So as my cold starts to move out of my body and the gathering of gems has been collected, I am quite excited for this time of year. Although it does remind me that this feeling of contentment and utter joy during this time would be appreciated if shared with myself throughout the entire year, I am focusing on the moment here.

Mabon is a time of thanksgiving -- peeling away the layers covering our eyesight and appreciating the true gifts in life. I am grateful for a great many things -- but today especially I am grateful for my "luck", in a way that only will be understood by me, it's something I never saw truly as clearly as I did last night, and I am thankful. Truly thankful. )0(

Friday, September 5, 2008


Entering September, this is my favorite time of year. I adore everything about the fall season, and living in New England is something I truly appreciate this time of year. I tend to awaken in the darker half of the year, more creative, more introspection that feels like tending to my inner garden, even if the "timing" of the year is traditionally for rest, the introspection for me fuels movement.

I love how things that you put out into the Universe, with true pure intention, fosters itself into opportunities.

I've been craving change, although content with where I am in life, still I seem to crave change now and again, from subtle things in life to things on a larger scale.

There is a possibility that we could put into movement the prospects of moving... out of state. I have been wanting to move for quite some time, although timing (and economy) haven't been right. As Nimue gets older I want her to grow up in a home, free from some of the imperfections we are experiencing with our neighbors (trying to think in Spirit and not say something dreadful about them), plus we just want a house, somewhere she can play in a backyard, a little larger than this, but I'm not picky, I don't want a gigantic home where we need intercoms to contact another member of the family in a different room. Cozy is more like it.

Where to go?

That has been the debate. The man would prefer something warm, down south, specifically Florida. I would sooner move back to California before ever moving to Florida, which means it will never happen! Plus, with the global issues, Florida seems like a poor choice to live, the chances of actually *keeping* a home with Mother Nature's rage seems unlikely. Then again, I don't like the heat. I need a place with seasons... truly, New England, as much as it can be, is my home.

This discussion has been going on for years, we've pulled out maps, pointed to destinations we wouldn't mind, and neither one of us could agree on anything... ever. It's hilarious really, because we actually both want to move to Ireland... oh but the costs and everything else to consider, it may just be a dream.

So the reality? We have decided upon Maine. I know... Maine. The man is originally from Maine, and he abhors winter and wants to live in warmer (snow-free) climates, and yet we're going a step backwards, for him, to Maine... or at least considering it. However, I don't mind Maine. I seem to frequent the southern part often when my alter ego becomes a groupie. I love the peace of it, and all those trees, so beautiful.

This is all dependent upon a future (possible) transfer in the man's job... something we're actually both hoping for, because we're both ready to leave this place, leave NH, and just move forward. Maine is calling us. As with anything, I trust the Universe will let us know if this is what is best for us... but I'm hoping it really is, even if it means that we will move hours away from my family, I think as I get older I'm actually more content with that.

In other news, I have the opportunity to possibly do a one-year apprenticeship with Christopher Penczak. I have been debating on whether this was the year to start DU or not, and then I got word that Christopher was doing an apprenticeship for the Inner Temple series. I adore Christopher and we have similar views and beliefs in the way we practice, both within the craft but also in our healing modalities.

He once mentioned that he felt I didn't need to do such a series, as has been the majority of what others have shared with me, but after BFC I felt like I needed to strip back to basics. While I would love the opportunity to do Z's DU, or even Bendis' Apple Branch, I have never been one who prefers online teaching when you have the opportunity to do "in person" teaching. Plus, as I've said, I do adore Christopher, he is a wonderful teacher, and even better person. It's an opportunity I would hate to pass up on. It's an experience.

I haven't decided anything yet, although I am leaning to yes and plan to send in my application next week. I enjoyed the 2-year apprenticeship I did with the Shamanic training, and I've been wanting to take more classes with Christopher.

What I like about him is that his work is truly beyond the typical "Wicca 101". He touches upon varies techniques, and I feel privileged that in the years I have known him that he has shared some of his techniques and works with me outside of the classroom.

I admit, I still put him on a bit of a pedestal, and I blush a bit when he looks at me as his equal, but I want to do this apprenticeship outside of ego.

I can hear Kailash say to me, still, that what he suspects I need is more practice/devotion vs learning/studying more. I know, I know. I have heard this argument before. I am forever the perpetual student, fearful of stepping to the plate to teach, once more.

We have been discussing this a lot at ADC, each of us progressing towards our own willingness and desire to teach. I do miss it. I don't regret leaving DoveStar, because I wanted to be home with Nimue full time, but also the direction of the school wasn't where my spirit and heart were any more, but I still miss it.

I will mediate on this, and trust that whatever happens is the direction the Goddess wishes me to face. )0(