Showing posts from May, 2008

The manifestation of fear

A couple of years ago, when I was pregnant, my life started to change, as it does when you are preparing to birth new life. This change caused me to look at the self I had been prior to this moment and come to terms with the things I didn't completely love about myself. With that came an abundance of fear, which lead to healing that aspect of myself so I could be prepared, as one can be, for this new life.

I didn't realize how much fear I really carried around, or how much I still continue to carry with me. In looking back at old journals and old blog entries I am amazed by what I have found that lurks in the center of my being -- clearly not hidden at all, and yet somehow I have been looking right through it, as though it's invisible. So how does fear manifest? A great number of ways, but the simplest *physical* reaction I receive?

I vomit.

Let me clarify that I never throw up. If I throw up then you know I am extremely sick. Even in my pregnancy I threw up only twice…

Motivationally slow

In the midst of all the chaos that is surrounding me right now, I just feel like this week is in slow motion, completely sure it's Sunday when it's really Monday, behind on the daily to-do's and yet finding humor and slight rebellion by letting it build up and mock me later. Still, I'm feeling motivated in an oddly bizarre state.

I'm working on manifesting powerful change. I like change. I used to think I was one of those types of people who despised it, like so many in our society do. But in truth I crave change. I do. I feel stagnant if things stay still, if things remain the same without the slightest notion of directional movement.

It's odd. It doesn't make for successful completion of any project. It's borderline ADD and yet it's simply the trait of the mighty Capricorn to be a wonderfully innovative starter but our finishing techniques are always quite mucky, always leaving something to be desired. I am hoping to break that trend a bit.

Who giggles?

I do.

I'm such a giggler, but I only giggle when it's relative to my crushes.
I crush on everyone, pretty much, this is no secret. I think it connects me to a time where the only thing you had to be concerned over was whether said crush was crushing on you in return and to make sure you didn't make a complete arse out of yourself in the process of crushing.

I wasn't one of those eloquent girls. When I crushed it meant that I would wind up making a complete fool out of myself...

I would walk into walls... doors... trip over myself... I've been known to stutter or mutter something completely incomprehensible leaving the person being crushed on to wonder if my IQ were equivalent of a muddy puddle. I'm a dork, with emerging googly eyes and, dare I say, I think I have actually fluttered my eyelashes... that's incredibly pathetic, which would make sense that it would be something I would perform, because in this state I am uber pathetic.

Do I have issues with this …

Smells like teen spirit

I don't like drama.

Well, I don't like drama outside of a really good television program. I like things simple, happy, contagious of only the fabulous... I like peaceful. It gives me time to think.

I like thinking.

I've been taking time to revisit things I once loved, and in the midst of that loving remembrance I am finding myself so easily on edge with annoyance of the things that don't seem to fit. Or what has become even more annoying is that the things I once thought were a match are no longer, and I am revisiting, as I always do, the prospect of where fear fits into it.

I've been listening to music from my teen angst years. It's been terribly amusing and mildly disturbing, but quite enjoyable none the less. I can see now, as a ::gulp:: adult how our parents used to criticize the music we used to listen to, the suggestive nature of the lyrics we were singing along to without ever really paying attention to the actual meaning of the words. Why would we?


Dancing with myself

Last night I played the role of "party girl" for a night out to a local show. It's my fun "social" past time, going to shows. I venture outside of my cave to rock out to music, which is the equivalent of going to the movies with someone, in that there really can't be much talking without the risk of damaging your vocal cords from the constant screaming every time someone yells back "WHAT?" after your failed attempt to say something in passing. I think in this case it's important that perhaps the entire world learn sign language. It would certainly save my throat, as well as my focus, because then I could fully save my vocal chords for the usual "woos" that one must shout every so often at concerts.

Music is a nice escape. I got introduced to the music scene from someone who I feel that, despite our past, left me a great gift in meeting some of the people that I have met. It's been a great outlet, and as a creative being I am…


I admit that lately I've become a bit of a freak when it comes to the environment -- or perhaps a "freak" to my own level of standards, after all you won't see worms in my place for composting, I was born and raised in the city after all, worms don't belong in the home, unless they were on the bottom of your shoes upon entering, then you'd be force to go back outside and wipe them off. No, no composting, at least not yet, I think there could be a possibility somewhere in my future, just not immediate future.

I don't do some of the things that I could be doing to help the environment, but I am starting slowly, and eco-consciousness is very important to me, and global warming is frightening, and the fact that they're saying that polar bears may be extinct in my daughter's lifetime is simply horrific to even imagine -- I adore the polar bear, he is my totem animal, and the fact that they are dying off brings a spiritual death to my soul in its own wa…

Creating movement in a stale environment

In an attempt to start fresh and not allow myself to suffocate in a past that daily becomes more and more like an illusion that has been lived from an outsiders perspective, I have decided a new blog is in order. Of course that's not to say that I'm not going to revisit or even feel like I'm in the mindset of the person I was once was, or could be, or never was... I think if nothing else, this gives me movement, it gives me opportunity for change and growth in an environment that for a while has felt stale in my mind because of the death grip I hold onto in my past, or maybe not even my past. It feels confusing, yet dangerously delicious, because the enjoyment of reliving an existence that hardly feels like my own is the pure adrenaline of the rebel behind the wheels of a car it never had license to drive. My inner rebel is quite manipulative, and I can feel her thirst and taste her desires to be reckless, yet that only exists in my own head, it's not necessarily re…