Showing posts from 2011

Summary: B.L.A.M.E, Truth, Fear & Purging

Guarded -- Chad Perrone
My teeth they hurt from grinding And my head will explode from holding it in I pictured myself standing over you One foot on your chest Victorious

Well I'll hate this place forever more
Because the world looks half of what it was And I know that everyone won't be like you But I'll still keep my hands up next to my face

And I blame you
For my headaches And I blame you For my mistakes And my bad ways

I wake up tired from dreaming
Because I fight you best when I'm sleeping Because I dreamt that I stood right over you I had both feet on your chest And I stood victorious

Now I blame you
For my headaches And I blame you For my mistakes And my bad ways

There are days I thought I'd give up
I'm just trying to get back from you what I brought I said there are days I swore I'd give up But that's not today That's not today

Because I blame you
For my headaches And I blame you For my mistakes And my bad way For my heartache And this fucking bad name For my mistakes And m…

The Between.

My world has been on a constant stream of fast-forward this month.  It began in a flurry of emotions from the distillation, and then it evened out for a while, all while dipping my feet in various worlds of communication; I could very well be officially "talked out" for a while.  However, it has also been filled with some amazing busy moments of continual soulful scrying.

It's been rather interesting to observe my experience from afar: going through this distillation and facing those darkest aspects of myself that I haven't been willing/able/ready to look at.  Seemingly falling apart at the seams at times, in other moments embracing the return of my Spiritual Warrior.  The roller coaster ride has been intriguing, nauseating, and somewhat exhilarating.   I have both loved and hated this process, loved and hated myself, loved and hated others, and each time focusing merely on the one thing I knew I could control: my breath.

I've been able to see my role with a litt…

Distilling the Truth

I have spent, what feels like forever, the past two months in just pure processing.  Processing my daughter getting ready for a big milestone of starting kindergarten which was both exciting and painful for me... letting go... it forces one to look at fear in a way you sometimes deny, and I had been in denial for a few months leading up to this big shift in our lives.  Yes, in the end it's great for her, even for me, but it was painful, and I felt alone in the process. 

I know other mothers had gone through the same thing, letting their own children go in this manner, but when you've gone through it, the wisdom of the generations becomes less "yes, I hear your pain, cry if you need to, I am here" and more "eh, you will be fine, don't cry in front of her", because gods forbid I have an emotion, or worse, that my daughter sees my human side at all.  Let's deny Self in favor of programming the next generation to deny themselves as well... brilliant.


Darkness-driven Shame

"As Pluto continues its occupation of your sign, you begin to appreciate what is liberating you, as it peels away tired facades of history.  This leaves you raw, exposed to the world around you." ...

I created this year as the Year of Vulnerability for myself... I decided I needed to be raw, to be exposed, to peel away those layers of illusions that I so skillfully crafted over the years.  A friend of mine commented on how she felt it was both brave and scary, what I was doing, and asked why.  Why would I put myself in such a position to be so exposed?  In all honesty, I'm not sure how I actually responded to that.  It doesn't feel "brave" to be walking that tightrope, it feels partly stupid, and unlike some adventure junkie, I'm not feeling motivated by the "thrill".  It was something asked of me from my guides, advised from Spirit, and ultimately something I knew I needed to embrace to shed...

More than half the year is over, and so much of …

The Season of Spider - Vulnerability

Despite the Wheel turning to seasons and shifting in weather patterns, I sometimes view the seasons in terms of patterns and rhythms.  What has it brought in the past?  What is it revealing now?  Where are the clues to be followed to unveil what's to come?  This season has been mixed in emotion, jumbled even, not quite fragmented, but not entirely visible to the naked eye.  It has been both bright and dull, both seen and unseen, and, as I reflect to the actualized theme of what is being presented, what lesson I am to learn, who the Teacher actually is... I'm left, not necessarily awestruck, but sort of like a child who has taken a test and the whole time the answer was written right on the desk.

My season?  Spider.  Spider has been visiting with such enthusiasm, if I didn't know better, I would assume He would want to move in.  I have, forever, shielded the "welcome" mat to Spiders, entirely out of fear, it's often joked about that I can walk into a room and …

Coming Undone - "Washing the Rice"...

During the time span of being sick for over two weeks, and really sitting with the emotional (and psychological) aspects that came up from a diagnosis with Bell's Palsy that had me feeling far different than the image being reflected to me in the mirror, I knew the overall message was to rest, and why I chose not to listen before it came to the rollercoaster that was delivered isn't entirely revealed to me, yet.

The (acknowledgement) of the cold came first.  A minor but stubborn, foggy head and germs invaded my system, leaving me feeling strange and emotional, as my colds tend to leave me, but the numbness and partial facial paralysis was something I couldn't prepare myself for.  To feel yourself change while everyone around you sees nothing different reminds me of my days out of high school, following the call of the Goddess more deeply and sensing that my overall being was entirely different, yet I remained looking the same to others who knew me well -- or so it would se…

Pausing through March

"Letting go means
letting come and go, letting be.
Letting go means
opening to the wisdom of allowing.
This is nonattachment." -- Lama Surya Das

That one quote, aside from making me catch my breath just a little bit in truth and awareness, pretty much sums up the month of March for me: letting go. 

It was letting go in both its small and large forms, some of which meant simply letting go of time -- I didn't open my datebook once during that month, didn't look at my calendar on the wall once (actually forgot it even existed!), I didn't plan for anything.  Unusual, yes, and completely out of character.  I hardly live in the calendar montage, but I am quite cognizant of linear time when I am fully here, and yet even in Spirit there is that awareness, because I'm here, my contract is here, and so Here maintains a level of responsibility that I must facilitate and abide by, per "contract" rules, after all.

March has, in the past, been a month of tremendous t…

Bare bones -- returning to Self

In my slow digestion of Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart", I find myself coming across her wisdom in moments that I really need to receive it, though sometimes met with apprehension, it's an invitation to go deeper, even if my inner self is, sometimes, in denial about what it may find.

I have been contemplating this one passage, this one chapter really, that she speaks about Hopelessness...

"For those who want something to hold on to, life is even more inconvenient.  From this point of view, theism is an addiction.  We are addicted to hope -- hope that the doubt and mystery will go away.  ... As long as we are addicted to hope, we feel that we can tone our experience down or liven it up or change it somehow, and we continue to suffer a lot."

Upon reading this passage it immediately triggered me.  Denial, sure, anger, indeed, but a sadness of truth that I hadn't expected.  Addicted to hope?  Really?  When something is wrong, when we're in pain, …