The Goddess Within

It's been a while since I've been able to say that I truly felt like I was having "throat chakra issues". I had them often while working at DoveStar -- always feeling like I was processing through something. With all of the classes I took and taught it's really no wonder, and my insecurities as an instructor when I first began certainly played tricks on my energetic throat, although it did, eventually, catch up with me in the physical realm, manifesting as coughing and mumbling of words, stuttering, soar throats, etc. When it appeared we all just looked and smirked and someone would inevitably mutter "throat chakra issues" and sure enough, as though admitting to a cold, it would emerge full fledge, like a small child finally receiving recognition. I worked hard to heal the throat area, much of it consisting of past life issues that needed to be healed in this lifetime, lessons to learn, but tools to reinforce into the present and emerge anew. During

Mabon truly marks the beginning of my favorite time of year -- entering into the fall season with wonderful changing leaves, this is why I love New England, it has true joyous mystery surrounding the area, and I love to bathe myself in that energy. I am recovering from a cold. It feels like it's lasting forever, but my sense of time always seems to be a bit skewed. I often say I'm the world's whiniest person when sick, but I understand it's a cry from the inner child for comfort, for her "mommy" to come and take care of her, sit in bed with her and rub her hair while she's sick, sing her songs and make her soup. I did what I could to nurture my inner child's desires, and much of that was sitting up in bed and having a good cry, virtually about "nothing", but the act itself was more healing than any medicine could offer. I find humor (and much annoyance I must admit) to others giving me advice when I am sick... "you know what ya gotta

Entering September, this is my favorite time of year. I adore everything about the fall season, and living in New England is something I truly appreciate this time of year. I tend to awaken in the darker half of the year, more creative, more introspection that feels like tending to my inner garden, even if the "timing" of the year is traditionally for rest, the introspection for me fuels movement. I love how things that you put out into the Universe, with true pure intention, fosters itself into opportunities. I've been craving change, although content with where I am in life, still I seem to crave change now and again, from subtle things in life to things on a larger scale. There is a possibility that we could put into movement the prospects of moving... out of state. I have been wanting to move for quite some time, although timing (and economy) haven't been right. As Nimue gets older I want her to grow up in a home, free from some of the imperfections we are exp

I have frequent nightmares. As far back as I can remember I had nightmares. There was a short time frame where I could actually control the dream to switch from something bad to something more comforting, I have since stopped that practice, thinking, at the time, that it was a mere fluke. I'm one of those people who can remember at least 90% of their dreams, and the percentage would be greater if I was diligent about writing them down upon first waking, but my bladder always dictates other priorities. As a result of bad dreams, I tend to suffer from insomnia. This started after I had my first real bout with depression. I was medicated for that as well as my insomnia, which left me feeling like less of a person and completely numb in the mind, something later I could see was much of the point in psychological therapy when one doesn't truly wish to listen to their patients or delve into the shadow work it takes to get to the point of change. But that is another story... The

I think in general I don't tend to necessarily blog about great days. I sometimes feel, in a strange way, that it cheapens it by sharing it. Granted if I had certain great moments/achievements in my life I do love to share it with friends, but in general those really nice days I like to keep with those that experienced it, especially if it's family time. It's not very often we get family time out, just go out, free of errands, and just have a nice night out without having extended family with us. Tonight was the first time in a long time we went out to dinner, mostly because it's cost effective to stay in and eat, but also I fancy myself a much better cook these days than I was when we first got together, so I enjoy the concept of creating something for those that I love, all without waste. Today was one of those days that made me look at my daughter and wonder how I got so lucky... she chose us in what seems like equal measure (at times) of teacher and student, and

There's something almost magickal about having a thought process that is clouded by darkness to only swiftly spiral into a new direction, creating new thoughts that step out of the realms of torture. Our thoughts, in some ways, are much like the weather, not necessarily the same from day to day, but can go through it's own periods of rain and shine. I spent last month in a mental storm. A necessary mental storm? Well, that's debatable by some, but it was necessary for me, in that moment, to experience the other side of my shadow self. I'm a believer in having pyramids in life -- that each extension of ourselves has another layer, another pyramid, which represents ourselves, and the many facets of our personalities. It goes beyond realms of consciousness, it's energy, it's existence on another level. I seem to bounce between versions of these pyramids, diving head first into whatever I have created a contract with, whatever the Universe feels I am ready to ta

I read that earlier today, that "satisfaction is just a breath away"... In my attempts today to think more spiritually and reinforce the nature of simplicity, I find myself easily annoyed and crabby -- funny how the best of intentions are often tested against the reality of what your mind is trying to create. My mind is cluttered, perhaps because the home is finally uncluttered. I'd rather a cluttered mind than a cluttered home, which isn't very zen-like of me, but there you have it. There's something about a cluttered home that drives me completely insane, and everything is off-balance. Granted *I* am unbalanced when my mind is cluttered, but I sometimes find comfort in that reality. I've taken the past couple of weeks to be with myself, making no social plans, just being home and taking some time to do some much needed reading. I miss those days, of just endless reading for hours and hours, only breaking to use the bathroom and perhaps fixing something t

I'm thinking about curtains in the metaphorical and literal sense. We've taken down the closet doors that used to be in the office (which is now our bedroom) and replaced them with long curtains. Every day I stare at them. They're this rich, deep red almost maroonish color, and I love them. It reminds me of being in love with the color red as a child. Every red crayon was pretty much destroyed so I could use red on anything and everything. Today I sat on the floor by these curtains. They're not made of gold or any kind of fancy fiber, they're just curtains, but in some odd sense they bring me comfort. I feel like it neatly contains the world behind it. The world, for once not clutter. That feels good. Not much clutter these days, that is huge, that is a relief, as I tend to be all discombobulated about clutter. So in terms of metaphorical curtains, I feel like the ones I've had draped over, well, essentially "everything" has been lifted to r

Back when I taught at the Dove I was given a class by the owner of the school, Synergy of Prosperity, that I had been wanting to teach for a while. I wanted it to go beyond the notion of monetary prosperity, but really looking at the energy of prosperity in general life. It was a class I was quite excited for, but sadly most students were no longer interested in taking it because of the lack of information and how classes were shortened to a day while still having to pay for 2 days. Word got around that I would be taking over the class and to my surprise many students who had already taken it signed up again, apparently loving my easy approach to teaching and loving my previous classes, something many students only get to experience when they are ready to take their electives, as I am not a massage teacher. One of the things that the original instructor taught was her concept of a God consciousness towards prosperity as a 30 day affirmation program. I adapted it slightly, trying to

Last night I went to Chad's CD release show that I have been looking forward to for months now. It's funny how the day a show comes everyone around you seems to be pissy, but it was a moment I really couldn't wait for, and being someone who tries to take into account any planetary movements, I usually let everyone else's drama roll off my back and enjoy what it is I'm trying to enjoy. Although the full moon certainly brought out that sense of "lunatic" energy that was easily felt by many. I sit here, in a very quiet space, almost too quiet. I woke up this morning feeling quite low... beyond a sense of sadness. It was strange to wake up to these emotions, seeing as how last night was such fun, but I did notice the shift occur in the late morning hours, wanting my solitude, wanting to just have a view of the ocean and the taste of the salty air, knowing I wouldn't get to. The Solstice came and went faster than I thought it would. I felt love in the

A couple of years ago, when I was pregnant, my life started to change, as it does when you are preparing to birth new life. This change caused me to look at the self I had been prior to this moment and come to terms with the things I didn't completely love about myself. With that came an abundance of fear, which lead to healing that aspect of myself so I could be prepared, as one can be, for this new life. I didn't realize how much fear I really carried around, or how much I still continue to carry with me. In looking back at old journals and old blog entries I am amazed by what I have found that lurks in the center of my being -- clearly not hidden at all, and yet somehow I have been looking right through it, as though it's invisible. So how does fear manifest? A great number of ways, but the simplest *physical* reaction I receive? I vomit. Let me clarify that I never throw up. If I throw up then you know I am extremely sick. Even in my pregnancy I threw up only twi

In the midst of all the chaos that is surrounding me right now, I just feel like this week is in slow motion, completely sure it's Sunday when it's really Monday, behind on the daily to-do's and yet finding humor and slight rebellion by letting it build up and mock me later. Still, I'm feeling motivated in an oddly bizarre state. I'm working on manifesting powerful change. I like change. I used to think I was one of those types of people who despised it, like so many in our society do. But in truth I crave change. I do. I feel stagnant if things stay still, if things remain the same without the slightest notion of directional movement. It's odd. It doesn't make for successful completion of any project. It's borderline ADD and yet it's simply the trait of the mighty Capricorn to be a wonderfully innovative starter but our finishing techniques are always quite mucky, always leaving something to be desired. I am hoping to break that trend a bit

I do. I'm such a giggler, but I only giggle when it's relative to my crushes. I crush on everyone, pretty much, this is no secret. I think it connects me to a time where the only thing you had to be concerned over was whether said crush was crushing on you in return and to make sure you didn't make a complete arse out of yourself in the process of crushing. I wasn't one of those eloquent girls. When I crushed it meant that I would wind up making a complete fool out of myself... I would walk into walls... doors... trip over myself... I've been known to stutter or mutter something completely incomprehensible leaving the person being crushed on to wonder if my IQ were equivalent of a muddy puddle. I'm a dork, with emerging googly eyes and, dare I say, I think I have actually fluttered my eyelashes... that's incredibly pathetic, which would make sense that it would be something I would perform, because in this state I am uber pathetic. Do I have issues with t

I don't like drama. Well, I don't like drama outside of a really good television program. I like things simple, happy, contagious of only the fabulous... I like peaceful. It gives me time to think. I like thinking. I've been taking time to revisit things I once loved, and in the midst of that loving remembrance I am finding myself so easily on edge with annoyance of the things that don't seem to fit. Or what has become even more annoying is that the things I once thought were a match are no longer, and I am revisiting, as I always do, the prospect of where fear fits into it. I've been listening to music from my teen angst years. It's been terribly amusing and mildly disturbing, but quite enjoyable none the less. I can see now, as a ::gulp:: adult how our parents used to criticize the music we used to listen to, the suggestive nature of the lyrics we were singing along to without ever really paying attention to the actual meaning of the words. Why would we

Last night I played the role of "party girl" for a night out to a local show. It's my fun "social" past time, going to shows. I venture outside of my cave to rock out to music, which is the equivalent of going to the movies with someone, in that there really can't be much talking without the risk of damaging your vocal cords from the constant screaming every time someone yells back "WHAT?" after your failed attempt to say something in passing. I think in this case it's important that perhaps the entire world learn sign language. It would certainly save my throat, as well as my focus, because then I could fully save my vocal chords for the usual "woos" that one must shout every so often at concerts. Music is a nice escape. I got introduced to the music scene from someone who I feel that, despite our past, left me a great gift in meeting some of the people that I have met. It's been a great outlet, and as a creative being I am

I admit that lately I've become a bit of a freak when it comes to the environment -- or perhaps a "freak" to my own level of standards, after all you won't see worms in my place for composting, I was born and raised in the city after all, worms don't belong in the home, unless they were on the bottom of your shoes upon entering, then you'd be force to go back outside and wipe them off. No, no composting, at least not yet, I think there could be a possibility somewhere in my future, just not immediate future. I don't do some of the things that I could be doing to help the environment, but I am starting slowly, and eco-consciousness is very important to me, and global warming is frightening, and the fact that they're saying that polar bears may be extinct in my daughter's lifetime is simply horrific to even imagine -- I adore the polar bear, he is my totem animal, and the fact that they are dying off brings a spiritual death to my soul in its own wa

In an attempt to start fresh and not allow myself to suffocate in a past that daily becomes more and more like an illusion that has been lived from an outsiders perspective, I have decided a new blog is in order. Of course that's not to say that I'm not going to revisit or even feel like I'm in the mindset of the person I was once was, or could be, or never was... I think if nothing else, this gives me movement, it gives me opportunity for change and growth in an environment that for a while has felt stale in my mind because of the death grip I hold onto in my past, or maybe not even my past. It feels confusing, yet dangerously delicious, because the enjoyment of reliving an existence that hardly feels like my own is the pure adrenaline of the rebel behind the wheels of a car it never had license to drive. My inner rebel is quite manipulative, and I can feel her thirst and taste her desires to be reckless, yet that only exists in my own head, it's not necessarily rel