Throat chakra issues

It's been a while since I've been able to say that I truly felt like I was having "throat chakra issues". I had them often while working at DoveStar -- always feeling like I was processing through something. With all of the classes I took and taught it's really no wonder, and my insecurities as an instructor when I first began certainly played tricks on my energetic throat, although it did, eventually, catch up with me in the physical realm, manifesting as coughing and mumbling of words, stuttering, soar throats, etc. When it appeared we all just looked and smirked and someone would inevitably mutter "throat chakra issues" and sure enough, as though admitting to a cold, it would emerge full fledge, like a small child finally receiving recognition.

I worked hard to heal the throat area, much of it consisting of past life issues that needed to be healed in this lifetime, lessons to learn, but tools to reinforce into the present and emerge anew. During those times it wasn't rare to see me wearing blue and knowing I was having some throat issues. We could often tell the "mood" or "energy" of those who worked there (or even students) by the mere color of their clothes or the stones they wore. It was nice being understood in this way, not really having to explain but having the safety and space to do so if necessary. I miss that about the school. I miss feeling like if I spoke about an energetic surge or the reality of illusions or webs that someone understood, without explanation, they just got it. That was the upside of the place -- just getting the other person, and even if you didn't, there was no judgment. Just accept and listen, and be present, hold space, that's what it was about at the time.

I'm not sure what made me think of that, except for the throat issues that feel as though they have returned... fine, they have. Old insecurities have popped up, and in some odd way, I'm glad. While the throat issue is hitting me hard this time around, as though it's making up for lost time when I felt fully in my power, I did sort of miss it, like there was this quirky side to me that I feared losing somehow, so with the vocal issues, the strain of my throat, the constant cough with no relief, I have yet to officially ask myself what it is I have to say.

And yet I know... to some degree.

I spent 2 days driving to Portland with little excitement to my actual destination but pure enjoyment for the ride itself. Being sick all these weeks I haven't been able to get out of the house, not wanting to either, and I felt almost cheated out of my favorite time of year as I sat with this cold. The drive was nice, especially Tuesday night, it was awakening -- and the core of the throat chakra activated in blockage, and we played tug-o-war, and while there were essentially no "winners" or "losers", my throat begs to differ.

I was given what I thought was an invisible puzzle for me to fill in the blanks later. I see now that I am meant to fill in the blanks along the way, but accepting that the overall image can shift to whatever it needs to. So as I examine each piece I see past, I see present, and while I've never been a planner of the future, I am allowing my spirit some glimpses here and there. The puzzle is revealing itself faster now, as I acknowledge that my throat needs clearing, and speaking my truth, to myself, is so essential here.

The mantra "this is the year" rings a bell, over and over, louder and softer, the pitch changes each time, and I see that too many visions have been put on hold, out of fear. I have a karmic contract with fear, though that's not to say that in this lifetime it won't be cleared, because I do believe it will, however I choose to not put a time frame on it. My sense of linear time has always been, well, not "off", I have simply chosen to not focus on the linear aspects of my existence. Perhaps because of my younger years, the anniversary of what this month brings...

It's no coincidence that my throat is acting up this month... my deepest and greatest fears in life live in a bubble of terror that is held together by dust particles stretching back 13 years. Every year I step back into the memory, into the terror, feeling lost in the pain, but always finding my way out, stronger, put together... it reminds me of this Heart song that I have been obsessively listening to the past week. This one line "nobody knows what's inside my head or down this road" haunts me, but with simple understanding and comfort. It's hard to explain.

"Forgive me I can't stay here anymore
I'm leaving with the tide
This evening another breeze blew round my door and stirred me up inside
I'm breaking out of this tired old spell
I braved it out long and so well
And the phoenix flies straight and high back to Avalon
Now I'm on my way back where I belong, gonna go down with the sun
Back to Avalon

Where I'm going all my demons disappear
I'm leaving them behind
I'm traveling way up on the atmosphere cause I made up my mind.
Gonna find my love
Gonna find my life, gonna look them so deep in the eye
And the phoenix flies straight and high back to Avalon
Now I'm on my way back where I belong
Gonna go down with the sun
Back to Avalon

Nobody knows what's inside my head or down this road
Oh I know I'm going home
And the phoenix flies straight and high back to Avalon
Now I'm on my way back where I belong
Gonna go down with the sun
And the phoenix flies straight and high back to Avalon
Now I'm on my way back where I belong
Gonna go down with the sun, back to Avalon."

It's also hard to believe that this month marks 4 years where a great shift occurred. I completely forgot about it, but as I looked through old entries I was amazed... has it really been 4 years since my great confusion over "S"? Amazing. Amazing how you think you won't ever get through something, that it will always pain you, that memories will always hurt, and yet one day it simply doesn't. With time, and love, it does eventually heal.

Like the phoenix, I want to fly "straight and high back to Avalon". The question is, do I go with throat chakra issues healed, or will they spontaneously heal there? )0(

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