What started off as a heart-filled week of practice in receiving love has now brought to the surface the old, clogged, murky shit that I had kept so well-hidden, so deeply buried that I even fooled myself into thinking it was cleared. The awakening of only some of that has been somewhat shocking, somewhat of a relief, but mostly manifesting itself as anger. Deeply rooted anger at/for/with Self, which all sits partnered in the manifestation of fear.
Last month I was processing through fear, making it a point to invite it to the surface, not so I could secretly pounce and attack, but really understand where it's coming from, why I place so much emphasis on believing I "need" to keep it, and what it really wants. What is the purpose of this fear? In some ways it served a purpose, was there for a reason, but sometimes those reasons no longer hold true, but instead of sending it away with love, I kept it there, prisoner, then simply ignoring and/or forgetting about it. All in the same, I simply chose to turn the other cheek and continue on with something that grew and grew.
This week I have been busy listening to the dharma talks from the Margha program, getting a chance to speak with my Mitra (friend/mentor) who I connected with instantly. She's a great spirit and it's incredibly helpful to have someone to speak to who has gone through this process themselves.
I shared with her the early weeks of doing the practice, the abundance of love that I was feeling and connecting to, recognizing these various benefactors I hadn't really realized were there, and thinking of what Lama John had said, about how the greatest gift you can give isn't to give love, but to receive it. It's why, after all, we focus on so many hours of this practice, because of the gift to receive, and the reality is, many of us are just not prone to receiving, not on the deeper level.
I thought my acceptance in receiving love was fine, it was there, that I had no real issues with it. On the surface, no, I didn't. The beginning aspects of my revisits to this practice from year's past, from this perspective in time, was met with gratitude of this love. Then I found myself getting squirmy... started to look at my relationship with love, and when excuses are gone, you reflect fully within... FULLY within... it's not terrifying, it's just... real. It's there. The reality of the reveal itself can be terrifying, but the process of reflection in that moment was simply about the reality of being in the moment and doing it. It wasn't about seeing Self as Goddess -- I've done that, this was about seeing Self as Self. I think in some ways we need to come to terms with who we are before we can identify with who we are as divinity.
The other day I'm sitting there, in meditation, listening to the talks, bringing up benefactors, receiving love... and then there was this intense, instantaneous moment of self-awareness... I was angry. The anger that came up wasn't dysfunctional anger, this may be hard to translate, but the best way I can describe it was sort of like a new-born, the freshness in this atmosphere but brought with confusion because of the new-ness compared to where it had previously existed.
So, I meditated on that anger, communing with the Goddess, asking Her to gently reveal those aspects that have been hidden, and encouraging me to allow it to rise to the surface. I could feel myself drift in meditation, instead of dealing with it simply letting it to do its own thing while I journeyed to another realm for escape (translated to self as: safety). I heard the Goddess' encouragement to stay with it, that it wouldn't harm, so I stayed, and the revelation made me want to cry, scream, throw up... all in good ways, I promise, even if in the moment it felt anything but "good". It felt disgusting.
I felt disgusting.
To admit that to yourself... to immerse yourself into something that feels so disgusting, so gross, so vial to who you are or who you believe to be is a process I think that requires help, be it help from a facilitator who knows what they are doing, your guides, or the Divine Ones who cradle the space in sacredness.
The past couple of days the anger has risen, in bits and pieces, mostly blindly now, not in intent of finding it, but in allowance for the reveal. I must clarify that this isn't something that is being done in harm, it's anger rising in revelation, each piece like the proverbial puzzle, as I peel off its translucent layers I'm discovering where it has all come from... where it has ALL come from... it's the piece of the buried puzzle I have long since buried and convinced myself that I was at peace with it. Then, I was, but not from the core.
I feel sort of heavy in this process, but in many ways I know I have asked for this. This isn't shadow work, no, I've done that before, healed so much through my work with my shadow self. I'm not looking to define what the actual process is, but I am documenting it as I work through it... the avid journaler, nothing does undocumented, ha.
The reality is that instead of trying to "fight" planetary retrogrades, such as Mars currently still in retrograde, I'm utilizing this time to not only recognize what comes up during this time, but actually work on the identification as a fundamental process, then release and integration/transformation/transmutation (whatever the issue that arises requires), and it feels much more productive than simply pointing my finger and saying "well this is because Mars is in retrograde so when it goes direct everything will be fine". It's a "return" to choice -- I think that's what much of the retrogrades bring up for us; what we will choose during this time.