I'm extremely captivated by that line tonight. A wonderful Cyndi Lauper song, it brings back some of the best and worst times of my inner world. Music has that amazing capability to not only be a time traveling device, but a present moment mechanism that makes you leave the world behind for the duration of that song and sit centered in whatever the memory brings. I've been in a "shuffle" of time travel this week, bringing back mostly fun and intoxicating memories of a time that feels so alien, in wonderful ways, but the occasional reminder of old pains surfaces, telling new (remembered) tales of when, and the image on the other side of the mirror is brilliant -- she is neither past, present, nor future, she simply is. What power to simply BE.
This has been an incredible month of doing and being. Each month this year has been an amazing transformation through time. It's like a fine tightrope of linear awareness -- extremely fine threads, right in the center, and either side is a vast world of non-linear gravity. Go too fast or spend too much time contemplating, you fall off, and the world accelerates at a time you don't recognize because you're not in that time, which is all the same to you, completely fine, but in this physical realm we have those moments where linear awareness is so key. I sometimes lose sight of that key. I like to hide it under the rug, make childish faces at it and do things from the comfort of my non-linear world. Though I do feel I have good 'balance' in general there, however as I am quite often known for stating simply that I don't feel that I have truly grasped a true understanding of what "balance" actually means (to me), then this statement seems contradictory. Playfully though... my mind feels like a paradox of strangeness this evening.
Last year I removed a few projects on my plate because it was too much. I didn't have the time to devote to them, so I released them without attachment thinking I was doing something "good". The truth is, I didn't want to reveal to myself that those particular projects, though all quite functional endeavors, were things I really didn't have heart in. I don't know why I didn't want to admit that to myself. We dip our feet in many pools of life, the water isn't conducive all the time, and that's OK. I guess I just wanted to be invested in those projects more.
Then again, that was a different year. I was needing to let go in order to Be so that I could then be open. This year? Feels like nearly double of what I let go of... and I am pretty excited about each and every one of them. They are interconnected, and I feel like the general challenge that has been presented is one that I feel, with this intense knowing in my body, that it will clear itself -- well, that I will help clear it.
The subject line is quite fitting for what has been surfacing this month. My hearing has changed -- the internal hearing aspect that is. I've made myself deaf on occasion to what has surfaced, other times allowing small portions to filter through. Surprisingly, this hasn't been at all associated with fear, but is a result from anger.
The anger has been functional. Sounds strange to speak of "functional" anger, but it has been. It's active, it's moving, moving out, moving through, but being in motion. This is important. It hadn't moved in a while. It grew, it hibernated, it slithered, but it didn't leave. I wouldn't let it. It was my prisoner, much like fear (which is all connected), and I wanted to keep it here, where I convinced myself it was safe, but it was out of not wanting to let go.
The receiving love meditation that I have been working on has been bringing up this sort of fragmented piece of anger. It's not true anger, but it's not to say it's illusion, it's just a piece, dusty, dirtied, no longer functional, but stagnant, like chipped paint on the walls.
I can't begin to describe how amazing these meditations are. They have been painful, making me want to crawl out of my skin, feeling the anger move around like an unpleasant serpent under my skin... but it has been amazing. To give myself permission to release is such a gift. I did a lot of releasing over the years, transforming and transmuting, then I slowed down my conscious efforts after becoming a mother. I think like any new parent your focus becomes centered on your child, but the disservice to yourself becomes a disservice to your child as well, and I found myself back at the beginning in some ways. Joyfully back at the beginning, perhaps using it as an excuse to continue my role as "perpetual student", but the beginner's mind is one I have always treasured.
Went to the Temple's Ostara ritual and really had a wonderful time. It was so wonderful to see so many people there, both regular members and newcomers, who were there to not only celebrate, but build in community. There is something so different about this process of what Christopher and the Temple are doing. It feels different. I'm honored to be part of the work.
He felt led to start a spiral dance during the ritual and it was powerful. Doing that and the chanting combined was such a powerful raise in energy, makes me want to do spiral dances more often! I've participated in a couple of other spiral dances, but this one was larger and it just felt so pure.
We pulled eggs after our journey with runes on them. I didn't look at mine until I got home. I wanted to sit with the energy and tune myself to what I thought the rune might be. I don't work with runes, have been drawn to them for many many years, having a beautiful experience with them when I was in Sweden after my high school graduation and a womyn was there selling some from a street cart amongst several doing the same on this busy street, and her energy just made me stop. I came over and looked at the runes and we briefly chatted about nothing really, but I remember picking out one, looking at her, and she held my hand and it was the first time I can remember feeling energy to the degree that I did.
The rune? Ansuz.
The rune I pulled at Ostara? Ansuz.
I wanted to focus on heart-centered clearing and awareness for the ritual, but when the water came my way, I found myself charging and purifying my throat. No surprise there as I have had throat chakra issues over the years, but I was surprised to see the throat come up again. Ansuz is very throat centered: communication, wisdom, truth... I read somewhere that it is the balance (ha, there's that word again!) between spiritual and physical existence. Interesting, and fitting.
It is associated with Air, and in the meditation I heard Air literally telling me to "get up". "Get up" and go to the center to the altar and choose a rune. The synchronicity of events is always treasured. This rune comes at a perfect time as the utilization of my throat (in all its forms) is needing to come together for several, collective, endeavors. I'm open. It's flowing and connecting, and tonight had a moment to connect with the root chakra for some release and recognition of a piece I didn't realize I was still attached to.
In reflecting back at the subject... it's not that I "can't" hear what is being said, it's been a choice. The throat, the voice, it is hearing as well as speaking. The thing about vibrations is that while it may begin in one place, it doesn't mean it's centered in that area. It travels, much like Ansuz is traveling through my core being.
Blessed Ostara... may we embrace balance and become more awakened with each spring day.