The Goddess Within

It's been several months since I've blogged... last year's distillation of the shadow had me in deep vulnerability, listening to the urgings of my guides telling me to share and be open, but more importantly to remain open in the process of spiritual rawness. And, so I did. I remained open. I divulged. I cried. I emerged despite the urge to hide. I screamed. I distilled. The process was extraordinarily powerful, one that I don't know how to replay in words now that the moment has passed, but one that I can acutely remember as being both awesome and awful. That journey ritualistically ended in October, though I continued to feel the effects of the shadow's shadow (much like a planetary retrograde experience) well into the new year. I hibernated in theory, but had so much exposure of self that I knew my hibernation was more this blanket statement of wondering what to do next. I didn't go backwards, but I didn't move forward either. And stillness would have ...

Guarded -- Chad Perrone My teeth they hurt from grinding And my head will explode from holding it in I pictured myself standing over you One foot on your chest Victorious Well I'll hate this place forever more Because the world looks half of what it was And I know that everyone won't be like you But I'll still keep my hands up next to my face And I blame you For my headaches And I blame you For my mistakes And my bad ways I wake up tired from dreaming Because I fight you best when I'm sleeping Because I dreamt that I stood right over you I had both feet on your chest And I stood victorious Now I blame you For my headaches And I blame you For my mistakes And my bad ways There are days I thought I'd give up I'm just trying to get back from you what I brought I said there are days I swore I'd give up But that's not today That's not today Because I blame you For my headaches And I blame you For my mistakes And my bad way For my heartache And...

My world has been on a constant stream of fast-forward this month.  It began in a flurry of emotions from the distillation, and then it evened out for a while, all while dipping my feet in various worlds of communication; I could very well be officially "talked out" for a while.  However, it has also been filled with some amazing busy moments of continual soulful scrying. It's been rather interesting to observe my experience from afar: going through this distillation and facing those darkest aspects of myself that I haven't been willing/able/ready to look at.  Seemingly falling apart at the seams at times, in other moments embracing the return of my Spiritual Warrior.  The roller coaster ride has been intriguing, nauseating, and somewhat exhilarating.   I have both loved and hated this process, loved and hated myself, loved and hated others, and each time focusing merely on the one thing I knew I could control: my breath. I've been able to see my role w...

I have spent, what feels like forever, the past two months in just pure processing.  Processing my daughter getting ready for a big milestone of starting kindergarten which was both exciting and painful for me... letting go... it forces one to look at fear in a way you sometimes deny, and I had been in denial for a few months leading up to this big shift in our lives.  Yes, in the end it's great for her, even for me, but it was painful, and I felt alone in the process.  I know other mothers had gone through the same thing, letting their own children go in this manner, but when you've gone through it, the wisdom of the generations becomes less "yes, I hear your pain, cry if you need to, I am here" and more "eh, you will be fine, don't cry in front of her", because gods forbid I have an emotion, or worse, that my daughter sees my human side at all.  Let's deny Self in favor of programming the next generation to deny themselves as well... brilliant. ...

"As Pluto continues its occupation of your sign, you begin to appreciate what is liberating you, as it peels away tired facades of history.  This leaves you raw, exposed to the world around you." ... I created this year as the Year of Vulnerability for myself... I decided I needed to be raw, to be exposed, to peel away those layers of illusions that I so skillfully crafted over the years.  A friend of mine commented on how she felt it was both brave and scary, what I was doing, and asked why.  Why would I put myself in such a position to be so exposed?  In all honesty, I'm not sure how I actually responded to that.  It doesn't feel "brave" to be walking that tightrope, it feels partly stupid, and unlike some adventure junkie, I'm not feeling motivated by the "thrill".  It was something asked of me from my guides, advised from Spirit, and ultimately something I knew I needed to embrace to shed... More than half the year is over, and so much...

Despite the Wheel turning to seasons and shifting in weather patterns, I sometimes view the seasons in terms of patterns and rhythms.  What has it brought in the past?  What is it revealing now?  Where are the clues to be followed to unveil what's to come?  This season has been mixed in emotion, jumbled even, not quite fragmented, but not entirely visible to the naked eye.  It has been both bright and dull, both seen and unseen, and, as I reflect to the actualized theme of what is being presented, what lesson I am to learn, who the Teacher actually is... I'm left, not necessarily awestruck, but sort of like a child who has taken a test and the whole time the answer was written right on the desk. My season?  Spider.  Spider has been visiting with such enthusiasm, if I didn't know better, I would assume He would want to move in.  I have, forever, shielded the "welcome" mat to Spiders, entirely out of fear, it's often joked about that I can walk in...

During the time span of being sick for over two weeks, and really sitting with the emotional (and psychological) aspects that came up from a diagnosis with Bell's Palsy that had me feeling far different than the image being reflected to me in the mirror, I knew the overall message was to rest, and why I chose not to listen before it came to the rollercoaster that was delivered isn't entirely revealed to me, yet. The (acknowledgement) of the cold came first.  A minor but stubborn, foggy head and germs invaded my system, leaving me feeling strange and emotional, as my colds tend to leave me, but the numbness and partial facial paralysis was something I couldn't prepare myself for.  To feel yourself change while everyone around you sees nothing different reminds me of my days out of high school, following the call of the Goddess more deeply and sensing that my overall being was entirely different, yet I remained looking the same to others who knew me well -- or so it would s...