In an attempt to start fresh and not allow myself to suffocate in a past that daily becomes more and more like an illusion that has been lived from an outsiders perspective, I have decided a new blog is in order. Of course that's not to say that I'm not going to revisit or even feel like I'm in the mindset of the person I was once was, or could be, or never was... I think if nothing else, this gives me movement, it gives me opportunity for change and growth in an environment that for a while has felt stale in my mind because of the death grip I hold onto in my past, or maybe not even my past. It feels confusing, yet dangerously delicious, because the enjoyment of reliving an existence that hardly feels like my own is the pure adrenaline of the rebel behind the wheels of a car it never had license to drive. My inner rebel is quite manipulative, and I can feel her thirst and taste her desires to be reckless, yet that only exists in my own head, it's not necessarily relative of the actual physical existence I create. Or so I believe.
This is the first time I've blogged in months. The idea that others read my words, or essentially read my thoughts is simply a bizarre notion to me. I suppose in reading other's I find enjoyment in knowing what the other person is up to. It's the conversations on a daily basis we aren't necessarily able to have, and yet I hardly write about my day-to-day activities, it's more of a swarm of radical, or sometimes not-so radical, thoughts that have been built piece by piece, like a deluded set of Lego's. I find little comfort in others viewing a blog about my life, and yet there's something intriguing about the entire process of a blog in general.
I think a lot. Sometimes I'm told "too much" or that I'm "too analytical", that I need to let things "just be". I spent my childhood in a mental coma, feeling as though I was never truly capable of having an original thought, I was too young to understand that a sense of internal power was something of a gift, and it felt stripped.
Thinking as an adult feels luxurious. To be able to contemplate anything has surpassed any sense of limitations I once felt were set upon a mind that I didn't truly know could be my own.
I've been "suffering" a sense of writer's block for months. I fully understand and identify that suffering as fear. I've always been fascinated by the concept of the 2 true emotions in life being love and fear, and how everything else is a byproduct of that. I can see, in my own life, how true that is. Fear has been creeping up inch by inch, no longer satisfied by living in tight quarters in the cage I created for it. Ungrateful, it's decided to place a more permanent home in my cells, and in the past week of self exploration I have found some of its hiding spots.
I don't know it's purpose, I don't know the meaning of "fear" in its 'greatest' form, I just know that it's a damn good excuse to use to keep myself in the past.
I have found great comfort in the works and teachings of Lama Surya Das. I feel honored that I've been able to attend his workshops and be given an opportunity to be surrounded by an energy of questions that feel safely answered in a context I haven't explored before.
He said something that really struck a cord for me when I attend his day-long retreat: "Thinking about the past is actual present mind remembering. Thinking about the future is actual present mind planning." Such great emphasis on being present and yet the reality of my presence being in the present moment all of the time seems nearly surprising to me, but in a good way.
So what is this blog about? I used to joke that if I ever opened my own bakery I would call it "Unoriginal Imperfections", because I feel that fits my sense perfectly. I know that this is an opportunity to face the fears that I have carried some lifetimes ago, and my journey exists to liberate and face those fears, with love.
Still, there is fear there, fear in facing the fear, fear in facing myself, fear in an unnatural and very natural sense. It's confusing and enlightening all at once.
Lama Surya says "Liberate one thought and one feeling at a time." I like small steps. I'm a Capricorn after all, anything bigger and I will simply get bored.