Tuesday, July 29, 2008

"Would you love to be ordinary..."

There's something almost magickal about having a thought process that is clouded by darkness to only swiftly spiral into a new direction, creating new thoughts that step out of the realms of torture. Our thoughts, in some ways, are much like the weather, not necessarily the same from day to day, but can go through it's own periods of rain and shine.

I spent last month in a mental storm. A necessary mental storm? Well, that's debatable by some, but it was necessary for me, in that moment, to experience the other side of my shadow self.

I'm a believer in having pyramids in life -- that each extension of ourselves has another layer, another pyramid, which represents ourselves, and the many facets of our personalities. It goes beyond realms of consciousness, it's energy, it's existence on another level.

I seem to bounce between versions of these pyramids, diving head first into whatever I have created a contract with, whatever the Universe feels I am ready to tackle, but, for the most part, I am doing it with a blindfold on at first. I test the waters and get a feel for the place, for the energy, then my consciousness kicks into gear and I bring out the post-its of labels I will attach to this place: anger, sadness, happiness, love, loneliness. Whatever it is, it receives my human judgments, and then I set up home, sometimes not understanding that I can leave whenever I so choose.

Perhaps that is part of the reality... my choice is usually to stay, because I always feel like I have something to gain from every situation, every experience. Is it an optimistic point of view? Hardly, it's just my reality -- in some odd way I'd hate to think that I'm here, universally speaking, to just be here, and yet in my recognition of that statement, it hardly seems enlightened, does it? My sense of awareness is often sabotaged by my sense of fantasy. I love my illusionary/fantasy world, but as my spiritual mother once said, my contract is here, not there, no matter how enticing it may be.

And so I have taken a swim in another pyramid, one that brings me back to the center of light, a balance from the previous month of self-doubt and inner child woes, this place centers me in self power, without ego.

Very timely I think, as Lammas approaches I always notice that I come back to the light when the earth begins to taste its last bits of it. I find it chaotic in the first half of the year. I become overwhelmed by natural light that I don't know how to balance out my own inner light. In the darkness, in the quiet, I find it, I breathe it, and it's natural. )0(

Friday, July 4, 2008

Satisfaction is a breath away

I read that earlier today, that "satisfaction is just a breath away"...

In my attempts today to think more spiritually and reinforce the nature of simplicity, I find myself easily annoyed and crabby -- funny how the best of intentions are often tested against the reality of what your mind is trying to create.

My mind is cluttered, perhaps because the home is finally uncluttered. I'd rather a cluttered mind than a cluttered home, which isn't very zen-like of me, but there you have it. There's something about a cluttered home that drives me completely insane, and everything is off-balance. Granted *I* am unbalanced when my mind is cluttered, but I sometimes find comfort in that reality.

I've taken the past couple of weeks to be with myself, making no social plans, just being home and taking some time to do some much needed reading. I miss those days, of just endless reading for hours and hours, only breaking to use the bathroom and perhaps fixing something to eat suitable as "reading food". It's making me look at my time management and seeing where things don't work and what I want to return to my reality... such as knitting.

Yes, I knit. Not very well, but I knit. I think I could forever make scarves and never get bored, and while I have advanced myself to actually knitting two very wearable socks, I haven't attempted knitting a new one since last year, and even then I only used the simple pattern I had versus actually advancing beyond that. But directions scare me.

They do.

I don't have a great history with anything relative to actually reading (and following) directions. I've cleaned a kitchen floor with car wax once... I've used a cleaning solution that called for a capful of solution and 2 cups of water... I used 2 cups of solution and a capful of water, completely confused as to why the capful of water was even necessary... the list goes on and on, thus my general disposition against patterns out of fear that a well meaning sock would turn into an afghan for a troll.

But knitting brings me to a simplistic place, so even if I only ever make scarves or afghan socks for trolls, it does bring me relaxation.

I don't feel relaxed today, there seems to be much to do and the clutter in my mind would rather I lay in bed reading a good book than concerning myself with anything else. Funny how sometimes the clutter isn't always such a bad thing. )0(