Years ago someone once suggested that at the end of the calendar year your first entry in your journal (or blog) would be a reflection of the previous year's worth of entries. You would take the first sentence in the first entry of each month and compile them together... I did this last year, both with the written journal I keep by hand and my blog, and last night I reflected on 2008's entries and smiled to myself at some marvelous memories, cringed at others, then simply laughed at the rest. What a difference a year can make when you step outside of whatever is going on, be it functional or not, when you're not in it it's a completely different energy.
After reflecting on 2008, I took the time to go through my journals and write up the entries for 2009... in the general pattern scheme I realized that I don't seem to write as much during the First Quarter Moon, however I tend to write a lot during the Crescent and Gibbous phases. While there is a natural tendency to journal (and introspect) during the dark of the moon, it was an interesting pattern to notice.
I found myself needing to read through entries a bit more to decipher what precisely was going on at the beginning of certain months. The one sentence wasn't generally enough (for the most part) to see what was going on. Then again, I'm not exactly a one-sentence capturer of words. The core of most things I tend to write are hidden throughout many words, not just a few at the start of something. Perhaps the journal is a refection of that as well.
I certainly didn't blog enough last year to make any sort of patterns that were wildly evident of anything. It's still a strange process to work through, the outer layer of fear, still stashed in the inner core, but layered on the surface to peel away and place ever so delicately on the ground, piecing it together like mosaics. Putting myself out there is strange, and scary to some degree, not because of the vulnerability, I think there is some power in being able to be who you are in a way that no one can use your story against you. Impossible, it's your story. It will have misinterpretations like any story you hear, but when you don't own that from another, it's quite powerful. I'm not sure where the fear exactly plants itself relative to the blogging. It may seem small, silly even, that this aspect might feel uncomfortable, that the words you pull out of your mind in stream of consciousness typing could have this power of its own, this energy and life of its own, but it does.
In the reflections of the previous year the same pattern became evident: I am a fairly good listener who will listen, without judgment, to your story. I love stories. Whether they're true or not isn't my decision, for I'm not the storyteller in that situation, but listening and observing (especially the observation) is where my comfort lay the most. I don't put myself out there in situations, because I enjoy the art that takes place around me. Seeing the beauty, the abstract, the strokes of genius, the flash of a beginner's lens... it's captivating to observe, I don't know that I'm comfortable being in it so much as being in the place to hold space for it.
The year waxed and waned, and the lessons that came were mostly easily delivered. I think much of the harder lessons were present during my Saturn Return, and once I merged out of that my ability to accept gifts and lessons in that realm became easier and less painful to bear. I've opened up more as a result of that time, sharing stories about my depression growing up, my attempted suicides, my path leading me to Goddess and how that path has led me to the healers path... they're all stories, some active, some passive, some define-less, some true, some illusions... there is a misconception that the illusionary stories we tell are untrue; that these stories aren't worth anything. I don't believe that. I believe in truth, but my definition of that truth and what it holds doesn't mirror the same for everybody, nor should it.
I have spent this past year, in particular, addressing personal language. Years prior it had been addressed, but the depth to which I chose to look at how it actually played a role inside of me, versus the role it played around me because of me, has been a challenge in truth itself. A worthwhile challenge, when you're ready to acknowledge and notice the things that you know don't serve you, without excuses, without telling yourself you're learning from them (when conceivably you may not be), just stripping the layers to its raw form...
I'm not fully there yet.
I've stripped the layers, yes. I've embraced and caressed those raw aspects... but that was then. In this Now, the raw that I once knew and was once familiar with in kinestetics and vision isn't the same raw that exists now. It can't be. The soul self shifts and merges, even if the general matrix is still the same, there is always a shift, and those slight shifts are quite powerful.
While we are in Mercury Retrograde it has come to my attention that we're also in Mars Retrograde until March... or May when He fully returns in direct motion. As I've mentioned before, my astrology is quite beginner's. Mercury Retrograde is an easy one to keep track of and notice it's patterns, and while I am adapting to the other lessons the zodiac has to share, it's still a new territory for me in the deeper realm. It comes as no surprise (now) to learn of Mars Retrograde... it certainly explains a lot!!
Now, it's not to say I'm merely experiencing the aggression Mars can possess, because I'm also experiencing that other side this retrograde brings of reassessment. The anger surfacing is actually a combination of Mars and Mercury working together, for me that is. It's such a beneficial time to look at the expression of my anger.
I'm not one for conflicts. I take a more "make love not war" sort of mentality when it comes to disagreements and conflicts. With that said, it also varies to the degree of the situation. While I won't show my aggression or anger towards another, the swallowing of that mass clearly is dysfunctional, and this Mars retrograde is bringing that process to the surface. Fitting as it only turns once every 2 years... the last time He came around I was processing through so much...
"With retrograde Mars affecting sectors that involve deeper feelings, you could be exploring anger and assertion over deeply buried matters." The deeply buried always has a way of rising to the surface, and some of this has been long and deeply buried. It is with honor and love that I open the wounds and heal them, one by one. This calendar year represents a year of Balance for me -- Balance in a state that has no scale of either/or; it knows no better/worse than; it's spiritual Balance, which isn't better than physical realm Balance... just different. I'm ready for that process, asking the Goddess for grace with each layer I uncover, with each layer I embrace. I feel quite optimistic about this calendar year.