The inward student

In this "time between time", it's nearly surprising to imagine that Imbolc is nearly here.  I can taste the continued efforts of the light's return, the gentle awakening of the earth as She nourishes... I feel the sense of initiatory transformation occurring in the land, and that translates to my own initiatory transformation as well.

I don't have a specific intention in mind for next month, though I do feel like Imbolc is bringing a sigh of relief, in that nourishing and connecting way the Mother embraces us.  I feel Her arms open in invitation, and I'd love to lay in her lap and listen to the breeze inspire me... part of how it is manifesting this year is in the Margha Program that I have decided to take part in this year with the Natural Dharma Fellowship.  I have been wanting to study with Lama Surya for years, and at some point I know the moment will present itself, for now it doesn't seem to be the time, and I am content with that.  I have been making it a point to continue studying and taking part in other retreats, the last being the one Lama John did when I was in Northampton and needed to leave early for news of Jonathan.  Still, Lama John's practice of love and compassion has opened me up to a different, non attached way of viewing and accepting (and ultimately giving/sharing) love in a way I didn't actually know existed. 

I've only done a couple of events with Lama Willa, the founder teacher of NDF, and have liked her energy and her compassion that I felt drawn to inquire about this program last year, though it had already started.  This year it came up quicker than I had thought, and the focus of the year fits in exactly with where I am at, what I am wanting to cultivate and embrace within myself, and ultimately incorporate this in all aspects of my life, alongside my work with Christopher and the Temple tradition; the Synergy program; the Shamanic work; etc.  It all mirrors each other, lending a tool to one another.

"The Margha Program this year will focus on deepening self compassion as a doorway to developing love and compassion for others. We will also explore, in depth, the relationship between love and wisdom, the integration of loving kindness into everyday relationships, and how to take adversity as a path."

It's the answer of calling from my questions to the Goddess at the end of last year, especially after November, that long "time" of introspection had me in deeper contemplation about compassion directly towards others.  It does reflect to Self in sharing and giving love to ourselves first, in order to understand and share/give that love to others, and for me this is another extension of that process and journey.

I'll actually be seeing Lama Willa on Sunday for her workshop "Everyday Dharma" which I am looking forward to.  February is already proving to be filled with some amazing events and I have been privileged to be asked to attend several amazing events with some amazing instructors...  unfortunately as I have not yet figured out a way to successfully clone myself, I'm going with events that directly call to my purpose at this time, though still wishing I could somehow be two places at once.

I had a talk with Drac today about my "need" to be the "perpetual student" instead of embracing the role of teacher more.  Ouch... but touche.  I am the perpetual student.  Part of it is a desire to learn more, to integrate new ways of reaching that essence of enlightenment for Self... the other part is probably just excuses to focus too far inward and not enough outwardly.  It's almost a contradiction of what we're used to in this society, how others delve too far in the outer realm and not bothering to focus on the inner journey.  I'm all about the inner journey, sometimes "too much".  I wouldn't label it or identify it as discordant or even dysfunctional, because there is purpose there, but I know that if I let myself be "out" there more, have my sense of presence and sharing my knowledge more than I do in such a confined sort of way, then it would have more benefit, at least to myself.  It would be far too egotistical to speak for anyone else. 

Part of the teaching opens that area up, to be more outward, to focus on functional Centrifugal as Kamala would put it.  I've been thinking a lot about the Four Forces lately.  Before Jonathan's death, Kamala had been visiting me in my dreams frequently, speaking about the Four Forces, as though we were still continuing with the personal training, and on some dimension I'm sure we were.  We're, in essence, not continuing those classes at DoveStar any more, and I agree, to a certain extent, with that decision.  Even when Kamala had been training me, this is her baby, her life.  She was the one who channeled this information after her near-deaths, she was the one who put this system together, trial and error, heart and soul, it doesn't belong to anyone else.  There are some other wonderful instructors who have taught this alongside her, and I was privileged to be asked to be one of them.  She felt I understood the process, lived the journey, but I had doubts about explaining that to another, in a way that would work for them.

In the end, the training and the mentoring was a true gift, but I knew I could never take it over.  I just couldn't.  It's sad to see it go, to know other generations won't get the "same" information, but I'm glad that there is at least a recording legacy of her work to be carried on.  In the meantime, I need to go through the site and see if the Inner classes need to be altered in their description at all.  She handed those classes over to me -- extensions of the Four Forces in depth -- and, oddly enough, I had no problem taking this aspect.  I felt like if she kept the core of the work then the outer layers could be emphasized by others who were true to the material, so in that respect I had no problem with her handing these four classes over to me.

Still, even on Sunday when I returned to the school, walking up those steps with an energy that paralleled the past... it sounds cliche and over-used to say how "amazing" it is to see the progression of self, but it's true, it is amazing.  I had no voice then.  Walking through the door the first time, taking those first few classes, I was standing in a darkness that told me my voice had no worth, so I shielded it, not just from everyone else, but from myself.  And now... an instructor.  Even the memories of my growth there, from connections to disharmonious ones, they all have this place in my heart that either nurtures it or sort of tenderizes it.  We can judge one being "better than" the other, but they're both purposeful.

I thought of some of the tender and nurturing moments, most stemming from one source, in the quiet of that cold Sunday morning, and I laughed in spite of myself.  We sometimes think we're going to hold onto things "forever"... but that forever molds itself in different shapes, and sometimes those shapes just don't carry with you in the next moments.

How did those shapes feel so defining then, and now only seem... like a distant memory?

I suppose it's part of the growth, part of the acceptance and part of the release, and, in thinking of what Kamala would say: I stepped out of the C/C Loop.  I did.  The interesting part of looking back on a dance is that when you are in Gravity the dance has nothing but visual memory.  The emotional attachment is outside of you, as you view it from the inside out, it spirals around, and you can see it, you know what it felt like, but you're not in it to experience the emotional aspects of it, in either degree of "good" or "bad", you're simply the observer, completely neutral. 

I've returned to Centripetal as of my birthday last year: outward focus.  The Margha Program and W2 allow me to experience the entire force as a whole, but it also has me tapping into the momentum of the inward/Centripetal energies.



Anonymous said…
Just stopping in to say how much I enjoy your blog. :) I especially like your posts on "fear".

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