Monday, August 31, 2009


Yesterday I decided to finally take a look at the area where we have land.  That and I actually remembered to look it up while my computer was still on.  Either way, I was curious and despite my many arguments against even considering this a place to move to, I admit, I was enticed by what I saw.  Enough to move there?  Well... enough to now allow it to be an actual consideration.  We're years away from making this decision, but I like to plan, I like to think about the long haul and figure out what's best for everyone.  Is this the best move for us?  I get no feeling one way or the other.  There are many pros, but there are certainly many cons as well.  The thing I keep going back to is that how do you pass up land?  Do we sell the land and use that to buy a home in the area we somewhat want?  Or do we build our own home?  It's a lot to consider, and it's opened my mind up about so much...

While this is years away, it's made me think about life right here, right now.  I'm sure I can take my work with me, maybe even benefit from having a new start elsewhere, but for now I'm just curious as to what's going to happen here, in this moment. 

Vacation is less than a week away and I am looking forward to unplugging and reconnecting with self.  I'm thinking of taking an extended hiatus from the internet in general when I return, or at least from the "social" networking sites so I can focus on ADC, upcoming W2, as well as my own personal projects coming up.  Sometimes withdrawing has its benefits.

It's "back-to-school" time, and I am resisting the urge to go out and window shop at school supplies... there's something oddly addicting to office/school supplies, and I have successfully managed to stay out of Staples for years now :)

We've been getting the never-ending questions of whether we'll be putting Nimue into pre-school.  The answer to that is no, we won't.  Aside from the socialization skills that would be beneficial (especially considering she's an extrovert with an introvert for a mother), we don't feel it's necessary with the financial costs.  She's done amazing well here without the pressure, though my MIL tells me more often than I'd care to hear, how she was able to read at 3 years old, and I see a little judgment there waiting for her granddaughter to do the same.

Nimue could recite the alphabet when she was 23 months old, could count to 20 by the time she was 2... we're not concerned with her develop, she's doing fine and we introduce various things to her to continue with her development and curiosity. 

Several of my friends are homeschoolers or plan to homeschool.  It was something I briefly considered mainly based on the fact that I found my own public education less than satisfactory, and private school financially isn't an option at this point, but I do see some benefits to public school, and the fact of the matter is I definitely don't think of myself equipped enough to homeschool Nimue.

I get these questions on a semi-frequent basis relative to her education.  My husband went to college, I didn't.  I made it through high school "just taking art" as my family would say, finding a different direction in my later years, academics wasn't my main focus upon entering high school, by then the personal traumas I endured had caught up with me and I cared less and less for an education that seemed pointless with the youthful depression I carried.

I think part of this internal quandary about where we're going, where to live is really due to Nimue.  As an adult once you are finished with school you think rarely about where to live relative to the "school systems".  Even moving here was just to get away from the city and it was financially more appealing.  Now?  Now I long for a more simplistic life, which I never thought I would hear myself say.

I had imagined my life after high school moving to Boston and going to art school and being in the center of that creative energy (refusing to move to New York of course), being in the center of this big city full of endless possibilities. 

Along the way the art became self-infused pressure, and the doubts I had about my talents and persuing a professional career began to take its toll, so I opted for what appeared to be the "easy way out" and ditched the notion of college altogether. 

However, in my optimistic view of all things stemming from true energy of perfection, I won't complain.  I have been gifted with recognizing and embracing a path that has been sealed in my cellular memory from lifetimes passed, and I feel ultimately full of purpose and gratitude for the work I am meant to do on this planet.

I've been thinking a lot about planetary work, about the roles we have as Priestesses on this path, and I still have some "struggles" relative to connection.  It's not something I'm going to delve into now (packing awaits!), but it's also something that hardly seems to be spoken about in a way that makes sense to anyone besides me and my spiritual mother who share in that mental struggle of connection.

Is the "connection", from a human aspect, really necessary to functionally do the work (successfully) that you are meant to do?  It's been a light question as of late.  I'm not overly concerned, merely curious.

When I return from vacation I'll be diving into a year-long study of with ADC of "The Holy Book Of Women's Mysteries", and I'm quite looking forward to our journey together in even further self discovery, especially from the perspective of womyn's mysteries.  The new book stares at me on my desk, begging for beginnings... soon enough.


Saturday, August 29, 2009

Rain rain... go away? Nah.

I love the rain.  Love it!  It's perfectly delicious just as it is today: cold!  It doesn't feel like August in the least, feels sweetly chilly in preparation for the autumn season (which I love more than any other), and today I got to run out with Nimue for a few errands and get nicely rained upon on this cloudy day.

June was the never-ending month of rain.  It was nearly shocking to see rain after rain after rain, and while it certainly depressed/annoyed everyone around me, I was in quite bliss.  As someone who really isn't that much into summer the rain was a nice way to relax from the busyness of my schedule and enjoy the purification the earth was getting, though I suspect some of it was Mother Nature's own sadness and rage towards the pain we've clearly been causing the planet, but instead the poor weather spirits were spent being damned that month for what was perceived as "bad" weather while the sunny days are labeled "good".

I've spent a few months working with weather spirits again.  I had taken a bit of a break from communing directly with them after my Shaman apprenticeship, then I can recall the day I went to go see His Holiness and the rainy day we had, knowing I would be on the floor in an outdoor venue in Foxboro and not wishing to spend the day after getting newly inked all rained upon.  Any other day would have been fine with me, but my art needed time to heal and not be rained upon, and that day I communed with the spirits as I left the house, asking for their assistance if it were possible to hold off on the rain during the day-long festivities, then letting it go, trusting whatever the earth needed was what we were going to receive.  We were all pleasantly surprised to see the rain cease, and even in the afternoon the sun shined bright.  I still smile to remember that even though the rain had stopped it was a bit chilly and windy and His Holiness stopping his lecture to cover himself up, looking to the other monks on the stage and telling them to cover up, then looking at us in the audience and saying "you, with your hats, put them on!"... It was a beautiful day, such love in the air... everyone was in the spirit of love and kindness and compassion, it was contagious.  One of my fonder memories of this year.

We ventured off for little errands and made a last minute stop at the local used bookstore that I don't venture into that often for the sake of both my bookshelves and wallet.  There's something about used books that entices me almost slightly more than a new book.  The smell... oh the smell of books in general is like no other, but I have this fascination with used books, their previous homes/owners, the energies instilled when reading them.

Did they love it?  Did they hate it?  What energy was transmitted through the reader into the book, and can we, as the used book readers/purchasers feel and tune into that energy as well?  Granted there is a certain level of awareness we must allow for such a process, but has anyone ever wondered this as well?

I can recall once getting a used book and feeling angry as I read it.  Frustrated even.  There was nothing in the book terribly upsetting, so it made me wonder about its previous owner.  I started to look at energy in "inanimate" objects.  Not just relative to my theory on used books, but on items in general.  I think as Pagans we've lost this the need to cleanse everything we purchase, even if it's simply placing it in our hands and instilling it with functional energies (I'm limiting my use of the word "positive" after Christopher had pointed out a different way to look at positive/negative energy/ions).

We're used to doing it in ritual setting, but if we take that same mentality and apply it to our everyday lives won't we then really be instilling the notion that there is no such thing as a mundane existence, but rather truly everything is in spirit? 

I have a fond memory of making zucchini bread with my old covenmate many many moons ago.  The whole coven had been over and we were to do ritual later and she asked if I could help her bake the bread.  We had so much fun, peeling the zucchini, grating, mixing... we reminded ourselves it was time to give blessings and thanks for the ingredients used, to do the simple banishing of energies that no longer served widdershins while toning for the heart chakra deosil as we mixed.  It was the best zucchini bread we ever ate... it's been a while since I've thought of that time.

I plan to spend the rest of the day in pure laziness, cuddling up with Nimue and watching girly movies and just relaxing, enjoying the quiet of the rain and all that it brings.


Friday, August 28, 2009

Not "where", but "here", in the now.

I haven't blogged in a year.  My thoughts and writing have been contained in personal entries outside of the realm of technology, not so much out of the need for privacy, but there is something quite primitive about channeling your thoughts to paper with pen vs simply typing it out online... this version is faster in many ways, the words coming out just as quickly as they arise in the mind, but the romantic connection between verbal and mental seduction is lost, in my opinion, here, where the authenticity can still be real, but doesn't feel raw.  I like the raw feeling of writing.

I won't proceed to go into a long tangent about where I have been, how crazy my schedule has been this year and the complete and utter shock to find myself in August when clearly 2009 has just begun, right?  Though in reflecting on the past year, it might as well be several years later, because the difference of time and space, of personal energy, is so vastly different, it's hard to imagine that last year was even last year.

I spent the bulk of last year allowing all of the murky fragmented shadow aspects of myself rise to the surface and purge... it was dark and deep, tangled in some parts, but not nearly as it had been before.  It was a process of telling myself that no matter what I thought laid there it needed to be cleared, and so the clearing began.

I came into this year completely renewed.  Emerging from my first Saturn Return was like coming out of personal war, and I honestly couldn't imagine the "light at the end of the tunnel", though it was there waiting for me, just as my guides had shared; it was an initiation into the next phase of life, and when I look back it feels like another lifetime ago -- in a good way.

The harvest has begun and I am withdrawing from the outer world as I always tend to this time of year.  I am at my best, I believe, during this time, but I also treasure those quiet moments of seclusion where I get my best "me" work done.  Though I hadn't expected this harvest to come as quickly as it did, and the amount of gratitude I have towards the Goddess and Universe for my many many blessings is unable to be expressed through words, but I see life around here very differently.  Yes, we are going through a challenging economic time, and my heart hurts for those in such turmoil, and I can't imagine being in that space, completely at the what is personally perceived at the bottom and trying to find spirit in that message, though I'd like to think that after the darkness of the past few years that I have danced with that I have met with my own perceivable darkness and came out, relatively, unscathed. 

What else has been going on?  Still studying with Christopher, preparing for year 2 in November.  While the group is still relatively shy towards each other, I see us opening up more and more and those little bits of sarcastic gems and seemingly inappropriate humor is clearly what is bonding us, a nice treat indeed. 

Getting ready to start our next book study with ADC, this time delving into Z's book, "The Holy Book of Women's Mysteries", this time of year is generally when we get back into our magickal studies and return to etheric ritual work.  I'm looking forward to sharing this next phase with them.

As for the in-person New Moon group, I think I am going to walk away from it.  We gathered at Imbolc and di some work together, but the energy straight away was not what I was personally looking for, and the timing seemed to be all wrong.  In reading something Shekhinah had shared about her experiences with facilitating a group, I see some of the same errors she made at the beginning I made as well in my attempts to not be so controlling, yet in retrospect I see where things could have been done in a more fluid way, but I know my heart wasn't in it entirely with all of the commitments I had going on.  We took a break over the summer and were planning on talking next month about gathering again in October, but I think I'm ready to let it be what it needs to be for whoever wishes to continue it, but I don't want to stretch myself thin with all of the other work that I am beginning this year.

I have returned to DoveStar back in December, and while I think it'll be quite some time before the place returns to that beautiful energetic space I once began my healing journey on, it feels nice to be back.  I'm not sure where I'm going with them, if anywhere, but I'm not going to concern myself with the politics of the behind-the-scenes.  My commitment is to the students wishing and to learn and opening themselves for this experience. 

My frustration within community of people I know who are self-proclaimed "Pagans" hasn't diminished, sadly.  I know it's partly my own level of expectations that need to be released, but I'm wondering, as the years continue to go by and as life continues to happen around these folks, when do they get to that place where self-pity finally turns into self-worth?  Facebook has become an outlet to bitch about everything, and each time I log in I mentally cringe at seeing the same old complaints about life and self that my friends drown themselves in.  Where's my compassion in it?  It feels drained from the same song and dance that has been generated for many years listening to the same story.  I think it's become a reason why I have pulled myself away from social gatherings.  I'm working on cultivating a stronger practice of loving-kindness and compassion, and my devotional work towards Green Tara has reminded me of this greatly.

My attempts to restart this blog is to continue with the evolution of conscious expansion and release.  And out of pure laziness these will probably be seen on both LJ and Blogspot, though I find myself more open in LJ, my attempts to be more open is still a challenge, but I'm willing to "try" (dreadful word!).