Not "where", but "here", in the now.

I haven't blogged in a year.  My thoughts and writing have been contained in personal entries outside of the realm of technology, not so much out of the need for privacy, but there is something quite primitive about channeling your thoughts to paper with pen vs simply typing it out online... this version is faster in many ways, the words coming out just as quickly as they arise in the mind, but the romantic connection between verbal and mental seduction is lost, in my opinion, here, where the authenticity can still be real, but doesn't feel raw.  I like the raw feeling of writing.

I won't proceed to go into a long tangent about where I have been, how crazy my schedule has been this year and the complete and utter shock to find myself in August when clearly 2009 has just begun, right?  Though in reflecting on the past year, it might as well be several years later, because the difference of time and space, of personal energy, is so vastly different, it's hard to imagine that last year was even last year.

I spent the bulk of last year allowing all of the murky fragmented shadow aspects of myself rise to the surface and purge... it was dark and deep, tangled in some parts, but not nearly as it had been before.  It was a process of telling myself that no matter what I thought laid there it needed to be cleared, and so the clearing began.

I came into this year completely renewed.  Emerging from my first Saturn Return was like coming out of personal war, and I honestly couldn't imagine the "light at the end of the tunnel", though it was there waiting for me, just as my guides had shared; it was an initiation into the next phase of life, and when I look back it feels like another lifetime ago -- in a good way.

The harvest has begun and I am withdrawing from the outer world as I always tend to this time of year.  I am at my best, I believe, during this time, but I also treasure those quiet moments of seclusion where I get my best "me" work done.  Though I hadn't expected this harvest to come as quickly as it did, and the amount of gratitude I have towards the Goddess and Universe for my many many blessings is unable to be expressed through words, but I see life around here very differently.  Yes, we are going through a challenging economic time, and my heart hurts for those in such turmoil, and I can't imagine being in that space, completely at the what is personally perceived at the bottom and trying to find spirit in that message, though I'd like to think that after the darkness of the past few years that I have danced with that I have met with my own perceivable darkness and came out, relatively, unscathed. 

What else has been going on?  Still studying with Christopher, preparing for year 2 in November.  While the group is still relatively shy towards each other, I see us opening up more and more and those little bits of sarcastic gems and seemingly inappropriate humor is clearly what is bonding us, a nice treat indeed. 

Getting ready to start our next book study with ADC, this time delving into Z's book, "The Holy Book of Women's Mysteries", this time of year is generally when we get back into our magickal studies and return to etheric ritual work.  I'm looking forward to sharing this next phase with them.

As for the in-person New Moon group, I think I am going to walk away from it.  We gathered at Imbolc and di some work together, but the energy straight away was not what I was personally looking for, and the timing seemed to be all wrong.  In reading something Shekhinah had shared about her experiences with facilitating a group, I see some of the same errors she made at the beginning I made as well in my attempts to not be so controlling, yet in retrospect I see where things could have been done in a more fluid way, but I know my heart wasn't in it entirely with all of the commitments I had going on.  We took a break over the summer and were planning on talking next month about gathering again in October, but I think I'm ready to let it be what it needs to be for whoever wishes to continue it, but I don't want to stretch myself thin with all of the other work that I am beginning this year.

I have returned to DoveStar back in December, and while I think it'll be quite some time before the place returns to that beautiful energetic space I once began my healing journey on, it feels nice to be back.  I'm not sure where I'm going with them, if anywhere, but I'm not going to concern myself with the politics of the behind-the-scenes.  My commitment is to the students wishing and to learn and opening themselves for this experience. 

My frustration within community of people I know who are self-proclaimed "Pagans" hasn't diminished, sadly.  I know it's partly my own level of expectations that need to be released, but I'm wondering, as the years continue to go by and as life continues to happen around these folks, when do they get to that place where self-pity finally turns into self-worth?  Facebook has become an outlet to bitch about everything, and each time I log in I mentally cringe at seeing the same old complaints about life and self that my friends drown themselves in.  Where's my compassion in it?  It feels drained from the same song and dance that has been generated for many years listening to the same story.  I think it's become a reason why I have pulled myself away from social gatherings.  I'm working on cultivating a stronger practice of loving-kindness and compassion, and my devotional work towards Green Tara has reminded me of this greatly.

My attempts to restart this blog is to continue with the evolution of conscious expansion and release.  And out of pure laziness these will probably be seen on both LJ and Blogspot, though I find myself more open in LJ, my attempts to be more open is still a challenge, but I'm willing to "try" (dreadful word!).

)0(

Comments

Wendy Hawksley said…
And although we covered most of this in our usual novel-length emails to one another, I must say that I have the same feeling with the nearing of autumn.

Today in the ROK... It is actually cool this morning! It feels lovely. No more jungle weather.

The Pagan community, back when I lived in Dover, was always a source of annoyance, confusion, and frustration to me. They were so detached from the rest of us, snotty, cliquey.

There were some wonderful people, but the overall attitude was one of "Aren't we great? No, you can't get in".

My problem with them was that most of them would not step outside the familiar and try something new, until the new thing was proven to somehow benefit them.

*tsk*

And here in the ROK? Sadly, the community is limited to 4 of us thus far.

So I envy you. :-P

And miss you!

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