Friday, November 27, 2009

A week, a month, & the times in between...

It's still November, but a different November than the month originally started, or how I originally perceived it.  One week has completely shifted the entire month, which has completely shifted my entire presence in this moment... in that moment... it feels so separate, yet circumstances have been oddly aligned, and my process through it has been in part shattered grief, in part redefined purpose.  It's such a strange place to be, it loses identification even in memory.

Back-tracking seems silly.  Pointless even, but it serves its purpose, even now, to bring me back to the present moment, where I am still sitting in confusion, and loss.

Last I wrote, I was going to Lama John's day-long retreat on Access our Best Inner Resources for Service and Social Action: Meditations of Natural Wisdom and Compassion.  It was a long drive down to Northampton, the weather spirits dancing in mystery that I felt but wasn't willing to fully interpret.

The morning was presented as an opportunity for us to identify benefactors of love, and I was impressed by the universe's gift to identify a benefactor even before the retreat began.  It was a moment where strangers met, shared space and conversation, but without fear, which this person seemed to have been met with.  It was a moment of non-judgment, I wasn't even fully present in the moment and that initial, momentary, meeting brought me into this space of natural awareness, and the cold rain as I walked to the church for the retreat was awakening.

The retreat itself was amazing, and I was feeling this abundance of love emanating so easily from me.  I had lunch with a womyn who I had just met, just enjoying the conversation about our thoughts on compassion when I went to check my phone for any messages before shutting it off again for the second half of the day.  I never did get to experience the second half... I got a call I won't soon forget, and the pain isn't as piercing as it was, but it's still there.

My friend Jonathan killed himself.  I, alongside many of his friends who loved him dearly, waited, impatiently, hoping for the best, never considering the worst, not realistically.  You can't ever really, truly, imagine the "worst" until it comes to you, so fast, it's blurry, it's confusing, it's unreal.  Completely and totally unreal, though, it is, real.  Painfully real.

I left immediately, making the long 3 hour drive home desperate to just hold Nimue, to connect with life, to safely release the emotions of feeling the loss of my friend.  Even now, simply typing it out, I almost don't want to let myself go there.  It still feels like an illusion.

I walked around numb for the next few days, until the one day that I started to feel like I could center myself fully, I got another call from my friend Joe... our friend Amy was in the hospital, and the doctors said she wouldn't make it through the night.  It had only been 5 days since Jonathan's death.  He asked if I could come to the hospital, to be there, to heal, to support, to do what she wanted me to do, which was to help her in any metaphysical and magickal way possible, so she could cross over.

I spent some time that evening speaking with Christopher about it, wanting to get his perspective, as it's not something I've ever had to do.  It put into a whole new perspective about the art of priestessing, and how it isn't all handfastings and baby blessings.  The Wheel does turn, and equal measure is experienced and nurtured and honored in its time.  His words were extremely helpful, and our discussion on the detachment was precisely what I needed in that moment.

I went to see Amy in the hospital at midnight.  Not caring what time it was, needing to be there for her, for Joe, and for me, feeling like she was, indeed, slipping away, I needed to be there to say bye, but I needed to be there to fulfill her wish.

I didn't know Amy very long, she's best friends with my friend Joe, who spoke often to her about me.  I still remember the day we met at an Averi show when I was doing merch, and how she didn't even know my name but called Joe that night to say "I met her, I know it's her", and how she spoke about this light that I was emanating that clearly made her see it was me. 

She considered me her mentor on this path.  A title I didn't give much thought to, as it felt heavy, yet in reality look at the work that I do, priestessing is mentoring.  That's part of the process of facilitating in many ways.  Still, I saw it as being there, sharing with her as I would share with anyone... to hear, now, what she really thought of me, how important my role was in her life is both beautiful and painful to hear.

She was in ICU, unconscious, brought into the hospital unconscious, it was a strange feeling gowning up before entering her room.  With each layer I placed on, the more detached I became.  Not out of an act of coldness, no, never, it was to center myself in the work.  I was there for a purpose, and I was honoring where I was at, but this was about her, her journey. 

I won't go into details of the process of the foundation she allowed me to lay for her.  It's sacred, and I want to honor her experience and hold it for her.  It was one of the most profound moments I have experienced as a Priestess.  Incredibly powerful, and I am more honored than I can say for her allowing me to do that for her.

She physically passed from this realm on Friday... I go the news a half hour before I went to Jonathan's wake.  It does come in three's, and saying goodbye this past month from Joe, to Jonathan and then Amy, it was hard.  It is hard.

Friday, itself, was painful.  To be there, to hear exactly what happened to him... I'm not sure I have cried that hard in a long time.

I'm not going to ask the proverbial questions of "why"... I can't say that I know exactly why, but I can understand, to some degree, why.  I was depressed once.  So depressed, so lost in a darkness that I really, honestly, never thought I would survive.  I never thought I would survive it.  I would never have predicted this life, now.  Never.  I was suicidal, attempted to take my life on more than one occasion, and yet, I didn't.  I awakened from the darkness, still in it, but not teetering on personal loss of self, but desperate to follow the voice of the Goddess who was guiding me.

In the balance of death I am seeing the rebirth, the Otherside and the beauty to where their spirits are, in the Summerland, in the Otherworld, embraced by the Goddess.  Still, in this physical realm, it's strange and sad and terrible, a great many painful things, but I am holding space for them, remembering them, crying for them, crying with them... I miss them. 

A lifetime feels like it has been lived in this very short month, even shorter week.  I still feel slightly disconnected from everything around me, not interested in hearing the complaints of the world, the bullshit details of mass consumerism for Black Friday and how we "must" purchase the "perfect" gift for someone to show them our love.  Like most who process through loss, your vision changes, and you simply want another moment with those gone, numb to the aspects that aren't harmonious, and it makes you feel just a little more disconnected from those around you, who mean well, but they themselves don't know how to comfort, and many don't want to.

My experience this week with cheap and thoughtless words of "comfort" has been upsetting to witness.  The common, cheaply used phrase of "well, there was nothing you could do" angered (and continues to anger) me in ways I can't describe.  Not out of a notion of guilt.  As I've spoken about before, I don't identify with guilt, not in the way society poisons us with.  It upsets me because what kind of world do we live in, what kind of people are we if we go around believing that we can't help anyone?

What would be the purpose of my work then?  Yes, sometimes we tell ourselves this, share it with others to ease our own guilt, so that we don't beat ourselves up any further, but I have no desire to listen to it.

Granted I have not had much experience in loss, thankfully, but I reflected on what it is that I would want to hear, if it were me, and I attempt to stand in that space for others.  I don't want cheap words, I don't want the proverbial "they're in a better place" when you yourself believe in nothing.  You don't believe in a "better place", so where, exactly, are they?  Even if you know that I believe in the after life, in reincarnation, in another realm, still, why...

It's exhausting to process through these thoughts, but it's a necessary part of the healing.  It has been another layer of personal growth, an initiation that comes as initiations sometimes come: when you think you are least prepared for it.

For now, I sit in the center of the Wheel, observing the cycles turning, focusing on L.O.V.E. (Luminous Omnipresent Vibrational Energy... thanks Jack!).

)0(

Thursday, November 12, 2009

In the center of compassion

I'm really excited for the launching of Charter for Compassion and feeling hopeful that by the hundreds of people who have affirmed the charter and acts of compassion will generate a need and desire to cultivate compassion in our daily lives.  I was the 610th person to pledge, and, at the time of this post, it is already in the 900s... amazing.  In the suffrage of patriarchy we must return to compassionate ways of being, of not only sharing it outward, but instilling inwards, after all, you must first begin the healing process within yourself before it can be shared with others.  We must learn to be compassionate towards ourselves.

That's a hard one, especially for womyn, who are so used to the dysfunctional programming of our society and peers.  The back-talk has become natural, sharing that unwanted behavior and passing it onto our children, our families, our friends, like an unwanted gift, but still, I find value in the unwanted, always finding the treasure in the bottom of the bin.

Someone once asked me if my view of life is too idealistic, too much focus on finding the gift or lesson in things that simply are sometimes shit.  I look at it as manure, fertilizer, transforming and growing into something beautiful, but it takes patience, and it does compassion.  I once read a quote from Lama Surya who said something to the effect of how shit is sometimes shit, it's not manure unless you know how to use it.  I do agree with that -- it reflects back to the notion of awareness.  I think it also is indicative of our inner world, of course.

We've been having some amazing conversation in ADC relative to the ethics of spellwork, it really got us all thinking about our view in magick and for me it has given me an opportunity to see what I don't like and where my foundation really is in the magickal world.  As I said, I do see value in hexing, when appropriate, but I also see it, mostly, as a last resort.  Perhaps it's been my journey through Buddhism that has enhanced my desire to cultivate compassion and looking at magickal endeavors from a loving-kindness foundation.

My practice comes from love.  It's not to de-value those who wish to hex or focus on spellworkings or magick as manifestation of will of what you desire, but it's not my focus.  My path reflects on devotion, of service to the Goddess, from a place of loving-kindness and compassion. 

It's not to say I don't have my shitty moments, moments where I say or do something that in retrospect makes me reflect on how I could have done it better (again, releasing the judgment of the "should" mentality), it is, again, a lesson, another stepping stone in my growth as a spiritual being having a human experience, as Dr. Dyer would say.

I grew up in anger.  Surrounded by anger and despising everything, happiness was part time, illusionary, not connected to anything, which always drove my desire for something more, to not buy into the stories around me of how "life sucks and then you die"... no joy, no compassion, no passion for that matter. 

Upon my journey into discovering/rediscovering the Goddess, I had more questions, which led me to my apprenticeship into Shamanism, connecting me even further to the three realms, to guides and spirit teachers that my general training in Wicca hadn't provided, at least not beyond the surface level.

It answered internal questions, connected me so deeply in the spirit world, my connection to the other realms is a direct reflection of my 2-year training with Leontine, to which I am grateful.

That training, though, left another spot, another question that began to stir as I first began meeting my guides, specifically my spirit teacher, Kwan Yin, the compassionate bodhisattva.  She planted Her seed of compassion in me, and I knew that there was still more training for me to continue with, which in inevitably led me to Buddhism.  It was here, from readings and workshops with both Lama Surya and Lama John that my questions of loving-kindness and focusing on awareness that led me to develop a compassionate awareness I had never freed before.

Speaking of compassion, I'm excited to be doing a day-long retreat with Lama John on Saturday: Access our Best Inner Resources for Service and Social Action: Meditations of Natural Wisdom and Compassion.  It's right up my ally and will only help further my role as facilitator and priestess in the work that I do.  Then Sunday I am teaching another Inner Child Empowerment class which really connects to compassion in how we facilitate the inner child's journey.

It will be a powerful weekend of going within, sharing without, and centering self.  I'm excited.

)0(

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

"Haunted by that same closed door..."

I can't seem to get "Planets of the Universe" by Stevie Nicks out of my head.  I've been singing it to myself all morning, thinking about this past week and the developments (and non developments) that have occurred... the lyric "and the days go by" always pop into my head when I think of weeks like this.

There's been a lot of processing in the dreamworld, in fact I was reading something about lightworkers at this time having "nightmares", and more and more people are confirming this.  I admit to being one of those people who, despite being an avid journaler, I do not keep a dream journal.  I will write it later in my actual BOS journal, but I don't keep a separate one or bother to write it down the moment I wake up.  I've tried, it takes me out of the moment fast for some reason.  I do tend to remember my dreams in detail, and as long as I keep the general theme in tact I'm ok with this process for now.

The beginning of these 'nightmarish' dreams began with some EPC with people I have lost touch with or don't connect with much in this life.  It was therapeutic, but confirmed the separation in this moment.  The progression then shifted to fear, not deep fear, not the kind of fear I'm used to processing through, it was a strange fear, a superficial fear that felt as though its main purpose was for confusion.

Confusion is good, I think it serves to get you out of a stagnant moment and into neutral 'gravity' (relative to the Four Forces).  The confusion has actually been a great catalyst for movement in my work...

We were supposed to head to Presque Isle on Monday but things changed Sunday night and the trip was canceled.  It was for the better, and I support Drac's decision to not go there at this time.  Earlier on Sunday I was packing, getting things together when near the end of it I decided to stop and take some time to do some journaling, some stream of consciousness writing, I felt something surface that needed to be released...

More information came out about the Pyramids that I work from/teach.  It's not something relative to one of the DoveStar syllabus/classes, this is something I have been developing for a while and I have introduced it in part to my students in class, but it has only ever been an introduction, I haven't delved into the deeper aspects of it with them, partly because it's my material and I don't want to confuse it by taking it away from the purpose of the actual class intended.  It has value in many classes, I know that, but I suppose I'm not ready to present it in a way that could be "borrowed" from someone else when it's material I have been working with for a while.

As I sat down to write, I channeled more information relative to this practice.  There was a connectivity to the elements that I had known was there, but I hadn't seen the outline before, not in that manner.  It was amazing, it drove me, it made me want to put everything aside and just write a chapter on the practice (which I know will be something to come later).  I was thrilled.  I AM thrilled.  It tied together some of the missing fragments and became the Pyramid of Shifts that I have been teaching.  It's active... it's moving and flowing and raising.  That's the whole thing, about raising consciousness, and this became more detailed on Sunday night.  I'm excited!!

I've been asked by several people just this year alone about writing a book with focus on developing the inner Priestess.  It's odd, because while I do consider myself a writer (who joyfully makes many "writer mistakes" and doesn't care!), I've held back from putting my work out there.  It's another layer in the illusionary fear that rises to the surface asking for a decision.  Even blogging, putting some thoughts out there for others to review and digest is strange and scary, because they're mine.  I suspect I felt this way when I first began to teach.  In fact, I know I did.  Wondering who would want to take my classes because what did I really have to offer that was so different, and yet seeing the variety of students who have taken my classes through the years... it's amazing.

I never thought I would have taught so many classes that I would look back and nearly not remember all of the people, all of these amazing faces who have gifted me with their time, but I have.  I ran into 2 recently who came up to me, thrilled to see me, chatting away and catching up... meanwhile I couldn't remember who they were.  People come up to me all the time to talk, I've been told I have this energy about me that allows people to release, and I hold that space for them proudly, so I thought this was one of those times.  Then to hear them talk about a class that they took with me, going back to the year and describing what it was like for them, I can't even begin to describe how humbling it was, how it brought tears to my eyes to know that my work, just sharing what I know, made an impact.  I'm grateful, more than I can say, but shocked that some of these faces are hard to remember.  I suppose I had this idealistic notion that I would remember every single one in my class.  A naive thought, perhaps, but it came from an innocent child-like notion, and still, that aspect makes me smile.

The book is already written in my soul, it's there, been pieced together carefully with mis-takes and disruption and chaos, both functional and dysfunctional, but it's there.  Drac has encouraged this as has my spiritual mother for years, years and years waiting patiently.  I recently ranted to Drac, relative to my previous post about the ethics of spellwork, and he smirked and said "just write".

The continued information on the Pyramid of Shifts isn't the focus of the work, but it's a key, a huge key, it's the foundation in which movement and transformation begins.  We all talk about the "beginning", having the beginner's mind, looking at this with new eyes, and that's wonderful advice, I work to step into that mindset often when I feel I am out of touch with purpose, but what about the bridge between this mindset and actual purpose?  The action, the movement, where is it?  Stillness is valuable, but there isn't enough discussion or education on the action of being still, the actual vibration that occurs. 

I'm thrilled and excited and feel like the rest of the work is coming together outside of myself.  It's within, now it's time to permit it to be without.  My general approach to life is all permissive, I'm not a demander, there's no room in spirit for demands, it's the same with self.  It all starts with the self.

)0(

Friday, November 6, 2009

Spells & ethics & the "within"

The past 2 months I've been reading various books, some for personal study, some for reviews, some for research, and the thing that has been surfacing a lot in these readings is about spell work.  More than the spell work itself is something that has been not only perplexing me, but annoying me.

Ethics.

There has been a great lack of explanation relative to spells.  Like any sincere practicing Witch, you grow tired seeing spell book after spell book being published that has no substance, that lacks a common explanation about not only why certain ingredients are being used and their ultimate purpose, but when and how to do a spell.  More importantly, why certain spells should not be done.

The area this is most noticeable is in love spells.  Book after book (crap after crap) is out there for the naive and the sincere simply looking for love.  Companionship and, oftentimes, loneliness is an easy target for these publishers and authors looking to make a quick buck.  It's appalling, and it doesn't give me much hope for what else is to be released.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with spells, or even love spells for that matter, but why have we lost focused, never mind as a society, but as spiritual beings on what true aspect of love we must manifest?  Let's not forget one of the most poignant lines in "The Charge of the Goddess":

"...for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without."

The true Mystery of all of this, be it love, prosperity, protection, is Self.  WE are the Mystery, WE are the One, no distortion between Self and Divine, and yet we look outside of ourselves for something we feel is not within.  It's sad.

It's an issue of dysfunctional programming.  To decipher where that programming stems from, the journey into the Self must begin, peeling away those layers bit by bit, without buying into the notion that if something comes up that we don't like or no longer "need" that we just "get rid of it".  "Getting rid" of aspects we manifested for ourselves is in essence getting rid of ourselves.  The hollow takes over, and the dysfunction in the shadows reigns, and we are left with an emptiness that isn't equivalent to what Buddhists seek, it's an emptiness that feeds us a belief that we are lacking, and we turn without, believing that we don't possess the Mysteries within.

The most recent books that I have been reading have particularly delved into the love area of spells, telling you to write the names of the one you desire, casting a spell, and then awaiting your lover to come.  In general I am quite disinterested in any books relative to spells as a whole, though I do appreciate the kind of spells that I vibrate with: empowering the Self, building stronger connection to the Divine, etc.  Those kinds of spells relate more to my practice of devotion, though these are few and far between, they don't seem to make for good sellers in the publisher's eyes.

I had a conversation recently with another Pagan friend about spell work and in particular these love spells I have been reading about and my thoughts of how unethical it is to promote such spell work, with complete disregard for karmic law, or worse, thinking that sharing the one line in the Wiccan Rede "an it harm none, do as ye will" is somehow enough of a disclaimer for the sometimes uninformed reader.  It's not!  It's not nearly enough.

I looked at it from my personal point of view, of someone possibly reading this book, attempting to cast a love spell on me.  There were other irresponsible spells that went as far as to "secretly" feed things to the one you desire.  Anyone else thinking of the chocolates Harry Potter received, or Mad Eye Moody and his flask?  Fiction, yes?  But one never knows the desperate attempts of someone following what they believe is good advice.

Her response to this, my annoyance and disgust?  She claimed that if the person the spell is intended for has strong will, has their shields up, is in tune with the Universe that they won't be affected by the spell at all, so the point is completely moot.  So that's it?  The end?  You cast a spell and it's heads or tails on the outcome, if another person is the target it's a game of who has the stronger will?  What becomes of, then, for those who perform hexes?  If one hexes a rapist to stop their horrific actions, could this be equated to the same will and supposed "strength" of who will be affected and not?

It's often a blurry line of ethics in spell work, and the Wiccan Rede will only guide you so far.  After all, if you want to get philosophical about it, can one really "harm none"?

As these studies and reviews plug along, it's been a good exercise in personal desire, stemming back to the Charge and empowering the Mystery within, in hopes that the next generation cultivate their own sense of awareness and strengths from within and utilize what some of these amazing (and even crap) books have to offer: a guideline, a suggestion, not a rule book of how to be or how to practice.

)0(

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Canada, here we come... almost.

We're apparently going to Presque Isle on Monday.  There's a lot to work out and we're both not entirely sure why Drac's mom actually has to go, but we're all going.  We think she might have something up her sleeve, as she usually does, but she won't clue us in on what that is.  I tried to do some research on Drac's brother, to see if we might be able to, somehow, miraculously find him when we're up there, which then got me thinking of his other brother that I have been wanting to find for him for quite some time, but that will take more patience and research on my end.

Years ago I wanted to find information on his father for him.  I didn't want to tell him, figured I would go on the only thing I had (his name) and if nothing came up, fine, I wouldn't get his hopes up.  As luck would have it, after much research, I found out a decent amount of information and we were able to get some more information from the army about him.  To this day it still pleases Drac to know how much work I put into it for him, as he never got to meet his father who died when he was 3 months old in an accident.  His mother doesn't speak much about the past at all, so getting information out of her is difficult.

I wish we could be up there longer, to make the most of the trip, but it's incentive to gather more information and keep looking.  I've always thought of him as an only child, as, essentially, he is an only child with his adopted mother, but he has 1 brother who he had kept in touch with and 2 others he never saw again after they were put up for adoption.  Nimue could have cousins... it's such a strange thing to me, and I have asked if he has any interest in ever finding the other 2, and he does, but I think he doesn't want to do the work, for fear of not coming up with anything and leading to disappointment.  It is bringing up a lot, so I can understand.  It's made me want to look at my own family ancestry, which is a bit of a challenge as we're the first generation American's and trying to find anyone in Chile is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

We'll be leaving on Monday and coming back sometime Tuesday evening since Drac has to work on Wednesday and can't take anymore time off since his funeral leave.

I'm saddened by the news that Maine did not pass the legal marriage act for gays on Tuesday.  Awful.  To be quite honest, I was actually really surprised.  If NH could pass it, a state that is supposedly "live free and die" but quite Republican and essentially a step backwards in various aspects, if they could pass this, surely Maine, the state where everyone is free to be who they are, such the relaxed and open atmosphere, would be willing to pass it too.  Such a shame.

California, while a surprise to some extent that Prop 8 was even passed, I suppose that when looking at how large the state is and just how many people really don't vote, it was a sad and harsh loss to the LGBT community felt everywhere.  With Maine, I thought it would be a victory and a sort of slap in the face to CA and would push them even harder to fight to overturn Prop 8.

The ads were beautiful.  I was on vacation in Maine when I saw a couple of them and it brought tears to my eyes to see the beauty and bravery of these families to put themselves out there in hopes that people would see them just as they are: regular people trying to enjoy love, just like everyone else.  It's hard to not feel defeated when you hear news like this.

Though, the upside had me thinking of the struggles we've had in this country and how each of those have been overturned for the better.  African American's not being able to drink from the same water fountain; womyn not being able to vote, these were huge aspects of our history that shifted, in time, and while there are still those close-minded people who still mentally live in that time of without justice, there are the warriors fighting this fight now, and this, too, will be won.  It's disheartening, yes, because we want that time NOW, but it will happen.  The upside in all this horrific turn of events is that Kalamazoo passed Ordinance 1856, 62-38%.  It is a victory, and we must take each victory with strength, because the losses are hard.  It's not lost on me that Obama has signed the hate crime legislation, which is another big step in equality and tolerance.  It's days like this that make me sigh a heavy sigh for our world, wondering how much personal, human emotional and compassionate advancements we are really making in our world.  There is only love in my Avalon, and I must continue to cultivate a compassionate way of being. 

As Gandhi said: "You must be the change you want to see in the world."

Today that quote has whole new meaning for me.

)0(

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Last minute trip?

Last night I was up later than I had intended (but not as late as my general hours of sleep tend to be), journaling and thinking about the "what next" in the scheme of things to accomplish around here, and I feel like things are moving fast, general time is moving fast.  We "gained" an hour from daylight savings ending, but I feel like I gave up a couple of weeks for that one hour.  Strange.

Some things have come up and Drac and I have been discussing postponing the move for a few more years.  Not exactly what either of us wants, but there are a lot of things we are putting back on the table that would make much more sense (in all aspects of life) to stay here for another 5-6 years, hopefully at most.  I wanted to be able to be settled in the town we want to live in before Nimue started school, but the sacrifice of that is small in comparison to what we might be able to give our family overall by staying here, plus it'll keep her closer to our family, and I know she needs that.  Plus I know it'll help me with some of the long-term goals I have in mind, though it'll put some other aspects on hold. 

As they say, everything happens for a reason, right?  More importantly, my questions and requests for guidance and signs from the Goddess have been answered, and what I thought might not be possible could very well be.  As I said, we'll see.  Everything seems to shift in just mere days, and this morning was no exception.

Drac's biological mom called, grieving still from Joe's passing, she is still making plans for her own passing, whether she thinks we're aware of it or not, we know this is the case.  She called very early this morning to ask Drac to drive her to Presque Isle, which is pretty much knocking on Canada's door.  That is where they are originally from, Presque Isle.  Drac has mentioned a desire for us to go there, for him to return to his old home area and see what is left, what has changed, etc.  We had talked about doing this at some point, in another year or so, making a trip out of it, but now that his mom has to go up, to get some paperwork there and needs a ride (a 7+ hour drive), he asked quickly on his way out the door for work if we might all be able to go.  She wants to go next week, he has Monday and Tuesday off, and frankly there's no way he could do it alone.  I'm the late night driver, I'm the one who can virtually stay up all hours of the night and be quite alert.  He'd need me there, more than just for driving, I know he'd need us there for support.

Going back will bring back both good and bad memories of his childhood.  I'm sure it will for his mother, too, but she keeps much of that to herself.  I want to support him, to simply be there and hold his hand.  It's quite last minute, and I don't know if this is something we can swing so last minute with potential classes I need to take this month for my CEU's.  Financially this is not the best time for this, however I know she will pay for as much as she can, she's quite stubborn that way.

I think it would be nice, too, for her to see Nimue again.  She has only seen her as a baby, it has been years, and Nimue just lights up a room, gives you her everything and can heal by her mere presence.  Having her there with us would only help, I know.

It would be exciting to go, though, to see where Drac grew up.  Granted it would only be for a day, but still, I do love road trips!

)0(

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The New Year's Cleanse

The New Year is beginning with a cleanse of the old -- I went to bed early last night after much fun taking Nimue trick-or-treating and laughing at all the candy people kept giving her because of how cute she is.  We didn't hit as many houses, she's still fairly young and it's all about dressing up, but my my did she do amazingly with chocolatly goodness.  All in all a lot of fun, though the weather completely threw me off.  Last year it was quite cold, briskly New England, yesterday it was in the 70s... warm.  Warm on Halloween?  Brought back memories of the one year I spent in California as a kid.  It's not supposed to be that warm on Halloween! 

I have been processing a lot through the dreamworld, last night was no exception.  I woke up every 3 hours from strange dream after strange dream, it was this strange alternate universe of what is to the extreme.  It was strange, and I felt oddly not strange in it.  Confused, yes, but not strange.  Today I have been processing through this cold, relaxing and thinking... thinking...

There is something about the school that I am not feeling kosher about.  As this is a public blog I tend to never use names of actual people, however I will say that there is something quite sketchy about leaving someone who you essentially work for message after message and have them not return it.  It's sketchy, and annoying.  This is not a new development, my internal questions about the school.  I came back after K's death feeling like things would be moving in a positive direction, feeling like I needed to come back both for me and for the students. 

Now?

I've seen things, felt things manifest there, and it's a shift that feels questionable.  I came back as a favor, and the person that I felt I could trust has been... well, shady.  There's something off, and I don't know what it is since I'm not there that often, and when I am there I am focused on class and I go.  The last time I was there in the capacity of listening and observing what I observed was both intriguing and slightly alarming.

This person who I trusted, I've seen her essentially talk shit about everyone, people who we are friends with, and it's made me see that the reverse could also be true, her speaking about me, about my life.  I'm not overly concerned about that, about "secrets" that get revealed.  It's a fact of life, I don't think any secret is meant to stay secret, and I think that the mere fact of our revealing them makes it clearly not secret anymore.

She's been cavalier about people who work there, about the intelligence of some of the students, of the teachers.  It used to be about the service, about the work, about facilitating healing... it's about money now, and I was naive to think otherwise.  One legacy left behind debt over progress, another follows suit.

On the home front we are observing another possibility that we have put on the back burner that is now  making its way to the surface for us to review: this possibility or moving next year.  Both with its pros and cons, this week we're hoping to get some further answers to decide what we'll do next.  I've asked the Goddess for guidance here, I will take some time in reflection after this cleanse works through.

Full Moon is tomorrow, theme is: I Have.  I'm focusing on gratitude for this moon cycle, something I have been journaling about, also something that Nimue and I have been doing at bedtime for evening prayers.  We do a faerie blessing that asks for protection, followed by prayers to the Goddess and focusing on the day's gratitude and blessings we've received, asking for blessings for the family, then story time.

I know there are plenty of Witches/Pagans who come to Witchcraft walking away from a Catholic or Christian upbringing, and equate any form of prayer as being tied to their religion.  As someone who was never brought up in either religion, I don't hold the same feelings towards prayer, and in fact as a child really wanted that established in my life.  Chanting, spells, prayers, all the same.  While it's interesting to note the various ways in which Witches practice, for me my focus is about service and devotion. 

I have friends who focus solely on spellwork, those that focus on the science of the Craft, some that deny Witchcraft as a religion and see the art in it only, it's really interesting to note where people stand, where their beliefs are.  Nearly time to get my tarot cards out, I wanted to wait until the evening where things would be quiet and I could focus on the cards.

Drac has the next 2 days off and I have a lot on my to-do list, one of which is possibly going to see the Michael Jackson film that's only out for 2 weeks.  I admit, I'm curious, and I was saddened by his death.  His music brings so many wonderful memories of my childhood, and later it became quite healing during my depression.  Then it's time for holiday making!  The first project on the agenda: a purple pair of knitted socks for my mother, who has been hinting and hinting for a knitted pair of socks ever since she saw the first pair I made.  I will, however, vow to not knit myself a pair with the snazzy multi-colored goodness yarn that I purchased until after the holidays.  Really.

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