Non resolutions

I'm one of those non-resolution makers.  I don't make them.  I plant seeds in the new year at Samhain, so come January's new year, I am already in the manifestation of my goals for the year.  Also, with my birthday just a couple of days after the new year (January's, that is), I take a moment to refocus and shift what hasn't been working since Samhain as I focus on the year ahead -- my year ahead, vs the energy of this one day set up for whatever mindset we convince ourselves is fitting.

They say resolutions don't work because people set themselves up for failure, or that they do work if you put your mind to it.  Then there's the argument that there's too much emphasis on this one day to change your life.  Maybe all of them are right, I don't know.  I haven't focused much on why I do or don't do it, but rather I think of it as this vortex in the moment: what do I want?  Then I go from there.  The date isn't essential.  While I do plan things, like any good Witch, during the moon cycles and Sabbats or any other major planetary movement that I am aware of (since I am still only sporting basic astrology knowledge), if intention is there and you're in the mindset for the highest good, these other things can be 'forgiven' if you forget.

The other day I did a small, but powerful, ritual at my altar.  It was a release, and since then I have been carrying a major headache.  3 days so far.  It's not from lack of grounding, I did that, many times to be sure, and it's coinciding with my own moon cycle, so for the moment there's this surge of energy that is rising to my upper chakras, and the necessary aspect is that I need to journal this out, the overload of thoughts rising.  Good thoughts, truly productive thoughts, but they're stewing in the mind without a sense of progression.  That's what the headache is about.  It's compression of the mental aspect not being released. 

After the ritual I was thinking about my altar, and I did some minor changes, and while it works for the moment, I'm not fully content with it.  Something is missing, and I know what that something is, I just need to find where I had placed it.

After the drama/trauma of BFC so much had shifted in my way of practice.  Mostly for the better, though I had a discipline during that time that isn't quite measured the same now, but in a British Traditionalist path the discipline is generally quite stricter than other traditions, so it's purpose-less to compare.

I came across my old journal from my BFC years, particularly the one where I was getting ready to elevate and my then-HP decided I wasn't ready because I wasn't a very good "follower".  This came up any time he had a thought, asked our questions and I had a question in return.  Isn't that what good facilitators do?  Allow the space for open dialogue instead of assuming their way is the one and only way?  Rereading those entries was saddening to a point, because the general 'family' dynamic within the tradition itself (not within the coven I was a part of) is what I miss the most.  You have it for 5 years then in an instant you leave and it's all gone, as though it never was. 

He's now a born-again... it may sound awful, but whenever I think about this I can't help but roll my eyes and snicker just a bit.  It's not a surprise, but what a shame for everyone else who followed him and had to endure his doctrines of Christianity that he wasn't willing to leave behind as one who supposedly identified as being Pagan. 

Ew... a lot of judgment in that statement.  We chose to endure his doctrines, as we chose to be part of his coven.  I chose to be part of his coven.  I could have studied online, I could have traveled to one of the other states, but I chose to be there.  There is still some residual anger there, for his agenda, for the lack of voice I possessed at that time.  Yet, I ask myself why I'm still angry, when I'm more than content with where my path has taken me now?  I'm not sure I know how to answer that, instead to say that it was just painful, and sad, to be part of something that was full of judgment, and my experience then of assuming it was OK to be in that energy field.  A valuable lesson, and, with some judgment, I am glad that he is back in a tradition that he never fully left, so that he can stop sharing pre-conditioned and programmed judgment to other initiates.  May he find his true light there.

I got a message in my FB the other day about the Garchen Buddhist Centre in Singapore and the all day White Tara retreat they're going to be doing on January 1st, asking that we recite the White Tara mantra for Rinpoche's long and healthy life.  They're hoping they can accumulate 100 million White Tara mantras and asking those who can't be there to email in their count.  I'm excited for this and plan to joyfully take part on the 1st.  I wish I had been keeping count of the White Tara mantras I have been doing since my retreat with Rinpoche back in '04. 

He had asked us to recite the mantra 500,000 times, and that if we could do a million that would be wonderful.  One of the things I'd like to focus on is keeping actual count of how many White Tara mantras I do and reach the 500,000.  I have no expectations one way or the other in terms of reaching it next year, but plugging away at it with Her image and being in full awareness is my intention.

Tomorrow I have my W2 class and looking forward to seeing everyone.  After initiation last month I think we all grew a bit closer, and certainly more vocal, and I so genuinely like each and every one of them, it's something I look forward to each month.

With that said, I was hoping to get the next chapter read before class tomorrow night.

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Comments

Wendy said…
I don't do resolutions either. Instead, I do goals - 5, one for each of the elements.

I reached 3 of them this year, so I will carry 2 over into the new year. :)

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