The snow, the winter, the stay

The rumours of snow are true -- woke up this morning to see the ground covered and the flakes continuing to come down.  I, personally, love snow.  I love winter, especially the first real snowfall, the big one where everything looks like a sentimental postcard.  I adore it.  It's precisely the reason why I adore New England and prefer to call this area my home.

I lived in California for a year as a child, and while the first month was exciting, when it came to the darker half of the year it was a complete disappointment, and I longed for the cold, for the snow, for the winters I had grown accustomed to as a child.

In our talks about the possibility of moving to Florida this was pretty much on the top of my "con" list.  I didn't know if I could go through missing another snowstorm, missing the bitter cold, missing the various layers for warmth only appreciated during this time of year.  Even though all of the signs kept pointing to stay here, Florida was beckoning us, but now, looking out the window, seeing the snow fall and fall, I'm glad we opted to stay.  Aside from a number of other reasons to stay, the weather itself was huge priority.  It's a reflection of how you tend to appreciate what you have when it's gone.

My sleep has been off for a good week now.  My dreams extremely vivid, it doesn't feel like sleep at all, but a journey into the other realms to continue work, and in this space and time I generally "awake" exhausted.  The last 2 days I have needed to nap, and even in the nap the dreams have been wild.  Yesterday I was woken up by my panicky moans of fear, a continuation from the dream before.  They all seem to be continuation of dream after dream after dream.  They're all related, and that's not something my dreams have done in quite some years.

It's been a crossing over the veils, which has been beneficial in the healing process, and I awake carrying some form of inspiration to work on.  It's a beautiful gift, yes, but I am ready for the balance in rested sleep.

Next week ADC starts Chapter 2 in HBWM.  There are still some questions in the first chapter that I am exploring for myself.  I've been thinking about spellwork in such a different capacity, and while it has this balance within being a magickal act(ion) it's also polar in its stillness of devotion/prayer.  It's made me see the imbalance within my own practice of spellwork, at least in this moment with delving into W2.  I haven't felt the need to practice spells in the way I once had with BFC.  My path took me deeper into devotion, which is not to say that there is no room for spells, but the identity of the spells took on a different meaning, so its actions were changed as well.

I'm still struggling with this piece, this outward expansion of Self where it's available to all.  Seems silly as a Priestess, where you put yourself out there, but the energy and intention is sometimes different.  Holding space for another and facilitating their awareness isn't the same as holding space for yourself in a revealing manner.  Then again, that may be the piece that holds me back: revealing.  It is unveiling, it is release, it is sharing and allowing the art of priestessing to be circular, not simply with shapes that allow for rest in the corner.

I find such comfort in holding space for another.  Listening and sharing love is where my work begins, but when the focus is shifted to me the corners in the shapes is where I long to be.  It makes me think back to my friend who was taking "inventory" of herself.  The bravery it took to open yourself up to these various perceptions.  All part of a story, yes, but the story has value, especially if you can relate to it or are triggered by it.

The story is unfolding, and the character is expanding, but it doesn't work if she seeks solitude out of fear.  I can't say that it's "never" worked.  Each moment has had its purpose, each moment has had its value.  My "problem" is that I'm not identifying with that purpose or that value from then... and there is a part of me that is trying to convince myself that it's not ok, only it is. I don't identify with the then because it was then.  So obviously then that it humors me in its simplicity.

Such random reflections on this snowy day...

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