I feel completely and utterly drained. Yesterday I spent much of the day in bed, taking meds, hoping that at some point this cold would leave my body, and after a restless night's sleep, I feel exhausted. It's a challenge being a sick parent taking care of a sick child. There's that partial wanting to take care of your child to make them better, but also the other aspect of needing to put the oxygen mask on first, so to speak.
I've ceased communication with everyone since my class on Thursday, needing some me time and just relaxing, Goddess knows I needed the break, though I wish it had manifested in a less contagious sort of way, I still must find the gratitude in being only with cold, not something worse. It's not much consolidation in these whiney moments.
Mercury has turned direct and I am breathing a sigh of relief. This retrograde really didn't affect me the way the previous retrogrades have this year, but I know it was quite a stressful one for most. I'm not saying I was free of some of the lessons and challenges this cycle can bring, but I think relative to communication I took a step back and stayed in a secluded box, not really interested in the drama of relationships. It's still a strange time without the "bff", but we had drifted at the beginning of summer, I think what affects me most is that we would contact each other in moments of boredom or to share our exciting news or things that were really stewing in the mind, then we'd waste the minutes doing dishes, watching tv, listening to music and not really being fully present in the conversation. "Wasting" time was a reflection here, but I think we're conditioned that it's sometimes necessary to have these kinds of relationships, the ones where you can be silly, the ones where you can be serious, the ones where you can be mindless and inappropriate, but I have grown tired of the relationships that don't stimulate any kind of mental awareness, and I'm sure this is a major reason why I have simply walked away from relationships that have fit this category, especially in the music scene.
I prefer to do things solo, this has never been a surprise, and there are times where I see my secluded nature may come off as alienation or somehow this image of superiority, so I attempt to connect, and re-connect, and it's beneficial, but also draining at the same time. It doesn't feel authentic. I don't always feel authentic in those moments. Trying not to add or participate to the water-cooler gossip waste, or the insincere and mindless chit chat, I realize sometimes these "safety" mechanisms are ways to process through the nervousness of connection and, hopefully, will dissolve when sincerity surfaces.
It's a back and forth mental process. Am I reading too much into this? Some of my best, soulful, connections have resulted from connecting with those that have similar experiences relative to human awareness, of not fitting in, of feeling alien in this world, alien in ourselves sometimes, where our worlds are internal and our dialogue is self-imposed. It's energetic vibrations. I want to connect more with this invisible line of vibration and feel out the thread to a larger sense of community than what I have felt, or what I have perceivably desired in the years past.
I'm not interested in dramatic tales of how you came to be, I'm more interested in the tales of how you are relative to the integrated lessons of who you were. I don't know if the community exists now or is waiting, souls gathering around on this earth wanting to connect for more meaningful way of life and being. Please understand, this isn't me looking down upon those whose interests differ from my own. Differ interests is a good thing, I'm not looking for the clone of myself, but I don't know how to participate in the chatter amongst friends about the latest reality TV nonsense, or how so-and-so clearly likes this person and let's now dismiss them as a human being by naming off the things we loathe when it merely highlights our own insecurities and reveals an ugly version of self... how does one participate in the day-to-day conversations that really don't interest you?
I'm sure, without doubt, this goes both ways. It's not a me vs them. We change and evolve, and I suppose judgment seeps through in wonderment when being a human being means more than superficiality. It clearly is judgment -- whose to say that my view of what is superficial is not someone else's reason to live?
I was reading recently about someone else's concerns over the lack of humanity, and today I started to think about our true, personal, definitions of humanity, and what makes a person a person, what makes us acceptable in the human race and what deems us unworthy or completely inhumane. It's judgment. It's all judgment. Good or bad, functional or dysfunctional, we decide what is acceptable to the world based on our personal stories. We make our viewpoint (or similar) right and the other wrong. Not necessarily black and white...
Perhaps it's the cold meds fumbling up the words, or the last lingering shadow energies of Mercury's backwards dance, for I don't see this entire entry making any sense.
I'm optimistic about change. Last night I made a decision that is relative to the "completion" aspect that the retrograde brings, and while it's not definitive, it's something I'd like to finally give myself permission to explore, and saying it out loud yesterday was nice. I won't concern myself with details this season. Perhaps after Yule or come Imbolc I will start to delve further, I have my hands full now with projects. 'Tis the way of the Capricorn, always starting... completion is often mucky.
I'm feeling optimistic and determined and still, slightly frightened. I'm looking at the decision-making process the same way as I would teach my students relative to what I have identified as the Pyramid of Shifts (to be discussed further in other works in progress...): 1. awareness; 2. choice; 3. shift; 4. maintenance.
I am currently in the 2nd Pyramid: choice. This is where my obsessive love of list-making comes out to play!