Returns, thoughts, catching up, rocking out and PPD rants.

Back from vacation... and it was blissful and perfectly timed.  Ah, how I love this time of year!

It was actually the first real vacation we have taken, just the three of us, as the last one was with my spiritual mother, which was still a grand time, but it was nice for the 3 of us to have this time together without obligation, and we made the most of the perfect temperature week, the amazing outdoor pool (me, tanned, yes), and just enjoying the view, which was breathtaking.  We ate breakfast everyday out on the deck, watched the golfers, enjoyed the view of the water and the moon, oh She was glorious, Lady Luna shining in Her full glory, mysteries abound, almost forgot Mercury went retrograde shortly after we arrived.  He felt like he was on pause, and we weren't "affected" in the least -- at least not in a conscious way.

I did a lot of thinking while away.  A lot.  We have been discussing a variety of things, and I have been filtering through some possibilities, and the moment we hopped on the turnpike the urgency of needing to process through some stuff became apparent, and upon our return it was eerie how it all tied together.  I want to elaborate more, but won't.  Not yet.  This is still something we need to figure out.  I'm also quite aware of not starting anything new during the retrograde, about the fine art of completion, though this particular instance has an even mix of both new and complete... I'm tuning into what my guides suggest we do next.

I'm a believer of perfectionism, in a way that is unexplainable, but rather energetically felt.  It's not a process of "better than", no, that's not divine.  It's colored in light that hasn't been met by human eyes, it's non-judgmental, it knows no "better or worse" syndrome, it's ultimate perfection, in a way that feels almost fairy-tale like, but pure.  That's the level of perfectionism I work with and view.  So, in that same mindset, I am allowing the perfection of this situation to be as it needs to be, though I am quite surprised at how much I want this, despite the fear -- functional fear though.  Functional.

I have been slowly catching up.  My sense of time is off since our return, and while there is much awaiting my attention, I have abandoned all commitments since my return and am starting to dip my feet back into the waters of return.

-AT Initiation ritual is Friday, it will be nice to feel that sense of completion and gratitude towards Shekhinah's work that I have so admired and benefitted from.  Looking forward to revisiting my inner temple in for this ritual.

-I have some deadlines to meet this week and while there is that normal panicky notion of not being able to do it, it brings me back to high school during big art projects in studio class and cutting it down to the wire when turning it in.  My inspiration wasn't on a deadline, and while I commited myself to one in this realm, it was an odd vortex to be in.  I'm reminded of that time now, in a blissfully fun kind of way.  I apprently thrive on deadlines.

I'm ready for Samhain... so ready!  I want to decorate and gather all the mysteries in my bag and lay them out, inviting the spirits of the home and the lineage of ancestors to circle round... but I don't want to miss the beauty of Mabon either in my eagerness.

Mabon feels so soon.  Right around the corner.  I remember a few years back doing this amazing ritual in the ethers to Mother Bear.  I may do that ritual again.

I got back from vacation on Saturday afternoon, came in and unpacked everything, to which I am completely grateful to the aspect of myself that thought this was a good idea, because it was nice to not have to deal with it the very next day.  Smart smart!

Later that evening my brother and I went to the Heart and Journey concert, where I knew I would once again emote from the beauty of the lyrics that brings me to another time.  Heart, for me, brings back both painful and beautiful memories of my depression as a youth.  I can remember many many nights sitting on my bed, afraid of the world around me, listening to my then boombox (how dated does that sound?) and crying... it was a dark time for me.  A dark time, in fact, that comes around every Samhain.  It was from that darkness that I heard the call from the Goddess and began to reawaken.

I stood there in the venue Saturday night, remembering all those moments years ago and as the "These Dreams" began, the tears welled up.  Music really is so amazing in its time-traveling abilities, isn't it?  Being able to be brought back to that same time, that same smell in the air... it's incredible.  I could feel both the fear and the empowerment, and my tears silently shed for the memory of that self, and strength I gained from that experience.

I don't feel haunted by the memories anymore.  It was a dramatically painful and darker than dark moment that allowed me the opportunity to step into my purpose in life.  I have gratitude for that, and each year on the anniversary and as the time approaches I am reminded to stand in my strength and not get lost in that memory.  I will be needing to remind myself of that more as Samhain gets closer.

I'm also wanting to plan some fun activities with Nimue, embracing the beauty that only New England can really hold during this time.  I've lived outside of New England for one Halloween -- wasn't the same.  Here the mysteries are really felt, the veil is beautifully thinned and spiraling energy is unlike any other.  I missed it when I was younger, and this year I want to embrace it all with her.

Next week is Pagan Pride Day which I get excited for every year.  This year it will just be me and Nimue, and I am hoping she will be willing to sit through one of the workshops as Susan Weed will be one of the presenters and I am quite excited to see her!  She has done so much in the way of herbalism and the womyn's movement, it's quite a treat to have her here!

The SNH PPD occurred when I returned from vacation, so it was basically over by the time I arrived.  And in all honesty I had no real desire to go.  Their PPD has been a vast disappointment from the get-go, and this year I had so many issues with certain aspects of it, it was just as well I didn't go.  Maybe it's a silly rant, but I was quite bothered by the fact that this is a Pagan Pride event... a Pagan event.  I think it's appropriate to showcase the many wonderful talents and wisdom of those who identify as Pagans, not simply spiritualists who would prefer to not be in the same category as Pagans.

The SNH PPD had vendors and workshop presenters that weren't Pagan at all.  Not at all.  I know some of them, these are some people I call my friends.  Brilliant and kind, yes, but that's not the point.  Yes, the event welcomes all faiths, but wouldn't it send a stronger message to be able to present and shine the light on our Pagan community to other faiths rather than say "well, here are some, but you're really getting no sense of what Paganism is or who the faces are since we didn't bother to invite them to be part of this".  Each year it's a disappointment, and while every year there is a new coordinator (translation: no sense of continuity), I did hear that this year's coordinator was much better than the year's past.

I think part of the problem is that so many have been disappointed, nearly ashamed of how the events have gone in the past that they don't want to be associated it with it any longer.  A friend of mine who is a prolific teacher won't even be part of this event because of how ridiculous it was when he first did it years ago.  Maybe that's why they've had to invite other non-Pagans to be part of this, because the Pagan community itself won't fully support their efforts. 

It's sad, really, because what is PPD if your community won't even stand behind you?  My preference has always been to the MA one, because they put on a great event with integrity. 

This isn't meant to be hurtful.  A friend of mine was one of the coordinators and I value her efforts and hard work into helping to put this event together, but still, my annoyance over this is one of the reasons I decided to not go.  Then again, maybe it was a successful event.  Either way, I am looking forward to Sunday's event, even if all I do is spent the day in the Kid's Area with Nimue :)

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Comments

Wendy Hawksley said…
I know this means you're composing one of your trademark novel-length emails for me, dah-link!

It is nice to take a vacation, just the 3 of you. All our vacations have been with other family and that is nice. But this is better!

Smart Witch, waiting for the end of Mercury Retrograde. Now is a great time for planning. There's always time to initiate at the beginning of October! Or, better yet, after Samhain...

We're studying Mabon and harvest holidays on Monday. I can't wait to decorate for Samhain either! Halloween is all around us.

Our PPD "community" back home was the same. There were people there who were spiritual and New Agey, but not Pagan. But the problem back there (where I was) is that certain people liked to ingratiate themselves with the Pagan community for personal gain.

Fortunately, it always seems to come back to bite them on the ass, as they so richly deserve. ;)

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