The past 2 days have felt filled with busy-ness, but in complete joyful and magickal moments... it reminds me that I must allow myself moments like this throughout the year, not simply during the darker half of the year.
Saturday I took Nimue to see Lama Surya. We were running late (as only a parent of a toddler can understand), but got there just in time to grab a seat in the back and enjoy the meditation. I could feel my spirit rest and be completely and totally present, in such a way that it washed away the frustrations of the week's thoughts and I was there, fully there, breathing in... breathing out... eyes closed, in the moment... then Nimue says loud enough for me and the row in front of me to hear "Mommy... open your eyes!". Funny moments toddler's can bring.
I had my book signed and Lama Surya smiled at me with his warm eyes and said he had remembered me, then commented on how he liked my scarf. A couple of years ago I remember going to one of his day-long retreats and had this beautiful red shawl that I wanted to wear(the one I wore on Saturday, in fact) and couldn't find it. I decided that I would use my "fall-back" shawl, the one my cousin Lorena gave me from Chile, this sort of tie-dyed shawl with the planets in white scattered all over.
I got to the event, and generally in the midst of meditation I usually get chilly, so having a shawl is quite useful, so as we were about to begin I pulled mine out and got a few stares and smirks as my planets were open for all to see. I smiled to myself at my own dorkiness, and went on meditating.
During our afternoon break several of us had gone up to Lama Surya to have our books signed, and I stood there, getting nervous as I tend to around him (or really any author -- I tend to get "star struck" at times), and when it was my turn he took my book, smiled at me, signed it, then looked at me and smiled and said "great shawl"... I'm smiling at the memory of that, it was a hilarious moment, but you could see his genuine nature of really liking this crazy shawl. Saturday's comment about my red scarf reminded me of that.
It was nice to share that moment with Nimue, even if she was eager to go to the children's section, she said hi to Lama Surya, and he allowed her some moments to play with his Tibetan singing bowl which pleased her immensely. It was a sight to see!
I met up with a friend later and we had some time to catch up and talk about Lama Surya, our first meetings, etc. I will never forget the day I met him and how that has impacted me:
I went on the Borders website, reasons clearly channeled by the Universe, and was looking at their events. If I may backtrack for just a moment, I used to work at Barnes and Noble -- Borders was our competition. Needless to say, you wouldn't shop at your competitors, and even though I had already left the bookstore the year or so prior, there was still that conditioning that it was just this unspoken agreement, and frankly I had never shopped at Borders, the closest one (at that time) was an hour away while BN is 20 minutes, clearly not worth the drive. So me being on the site and looking for an event seemed strange, even to me then in that moment, but I just humored myself. I saw Lama Surya's name, that he was doing an event that night, and I grabbed my keys and left. It actually was one of the first times I had ever done that, gone somewhere on a whim.
I remember the day before was a very very dark day for me. A very dark day. I was probably at one of my lowest, depressive moments, feeling defeated in life and in self, I was desperate, needing hope, needing something, and while I prayed to the Goddess, I still felt alone. I can see images from that day. It was quite hard. I carried much of that sadness with me to see Lama Surya, unsure if I should even go, if I should step outside in a world so terrifying at that time, but there was something drawing me there, and I didn't want to analyze it, I just wanted to drive.
I got there, sat up front, and waited among these other 100+ people who came to see him. Someone sitting next to me asked if I had ever seen him before (she was a long-time student of his), and I said I had never even heard of him, and her look of shock as she saw these 100+ people crowding on the floor to see him, she asked what brought me there, and I told her I just knew I had to be here. She smiled.
When Lama Surya came out... I can still remember that feeling that pumped through my heart, it was beautiful, and opening, fulfilling. I had tears running down my face, and he hadn't even spoken a word. My friend on Saturday said that was a sign the Tibetans believe indicates ones teacher... this is not surprising to me. In my heart I have known this from the moment I saw him. I can't say that I have ever felt that with another teacher before.
Yes, I have felt that connection with another and have studied with some incredible people who Goddess has guided me to, and felt joy in my heart to be with them, but this was something different. It's something I'm looking at deeper, as more questions arise, and the possibility of something that will essentially take me away from the physical connection, there's so much to consider.
"Letting Go Of The Person You Used To Be" was the book he wrote when I met him. I waited until I became pregnant to read it. I read through some of his other works, but wasn't ready. I think that's why it was so important for me to share this with Nimue, because I would read passages throughout that book to her in the womb, purging my old self and making room for my newer being. I'd like to re-read it again at some point.
Between Saturday and yesterday, I am buzzing with possibilities, but also the balance is I have developed more questions, and I see truer understanding in the saying of seeing how the grass is greener on the other side. Why do we figure these things out later, rather than appreciate them in the moment?
PPD was yesterday, and it was joyful and magickal and really one of those perfect days. I ran into several people I haven't seen in years, and the reconnection was beautiful, and it was such a joy, SUCH a joy that I can't even begin to express to be surrounded by like-minded people, to be in the vortex of a community that, essentially, shares the same beliefs as you. I found myself fully in Goddess-self mode, without restrictions (not that I intentionally restrict, but I have the awareness that sometimes in an energy-field that isn't like one I am fully accustomed to or truly "want" to be in, I find the shields detract from embodiment of true Goddess Self).
It was magickal, and while I didn't actually get to partake in any workshops, except for a Pagan Parenting one that was good in theory but I didn't really enjoy all that much, I had such fun. Nimue did as well, busy in the kid's area making a magick wand, a mask, a besom (which I thought was very nice of them to have this year). She got to dance and run and play with other kids, and we picnicked out in front of the stage area. It was fun, a lot of fun, and I was bummed that I needed to leave before ritual, but it was an amazing time.
I came home with a lot on my mind, in an area I hadn't even thought of before. I know there seems to be a lot of wishy-washy, not touching the center of what this abundant thought process is all about, but soon I will piece the puzzle together and share. I need to work this out for myself, mostly.
I'm looking forward to Celebrate Samhain at the end of next month. Christopher will be the key-note speaker, and it looks to be quite festive!