I stopped the list-making moments for now, at least relative to the "pro-con" list. The fact of the matter is, I believe I know what my decision is. Now it's about waiting for Mercury to turn direct and from there stand in unision with the universe and see what happens next, with the attempts to not be so attached to the outcome, I feel somewhat attached already. But I see the benefits in either way it spins, there's comfort there.
I'm still playing catch up with emails and ADC and all other commitments, tackling them bit by bit then getting side-tracked or distracted, Mercury clearly has other things in store for me, but we're seeming to be working together; my inner brat has decided to step aside from the need to make things her way and work in conjunction with this retrograde, unlike last time where clearly it became all about what *I* wanted in a ridiculously defiant way, it was rather amusing to watch in retrospect.
I've been thinking a lot lately about ancestral spirits, not necessarily of my own blood-line, but in the lineage of my teachers and guides, though last night I started to think a bit about my own blood line, of family members I virtually know nothing about, but connected to their work and purpose and "orlay" as I am researching currently (the actions and words that have shaped who a person is based on their own personal wyrd [fate]).
I've been thinking about what orlay I have passed onto Nimue, the orlay in which I, myself, came into this world with, the karmic contracts that I not only carried from past lifetimes, and reflecting upon ancestors that I don't have a fully awakened relationship with, and who's orlay I was born with. It makes me want to understand them, my ancestors, a bit more, adding to the notion of you can't know where you are going if you don't know where you have come from. It certainly gives new meaning to the word "baggage", now doesn't it, ha.
It's feeling like the beginnings of beautiful New England crisp weather... I'm getting glorious chills just thinking about it. Soon the leaves will turn, the nights will continue to grow darker faster, and the winds will pick up in chill and mysterious wonder... I can taste it already, and the excitement boils in preparation.
Last week I had my iPod on shuffle and there were several songs played back to back from a band I used to see fairly often. The album itself is/was depressive, so depressing, the kind of music that makes you delve deep into the inner mindscape while attempting to not sit in a corner eating your hair. It's perfectly miserable and deliciously thoughtful, it spoke to me and made me purge like no music has ever been able to do. It dropped me to my knees a few years ago, and I spent a good year not listening to it at all, nearly forgetting all about their music, putting to rest all of the hurt that was associated with that time, specifically speaking of the confusion and manipulations of S... and now, when 3 songs came on back to back, followed by my own desire to listen to the entire album... I could remember, all of that, all of the pain, all of the hurt, the bleeding heart... but it may as well have been a movie, because it felt so outside of me, like identifying with a character and yet realizing deep down that it's completely fiction.
While I know it wasn't fictitious, it may as well have been, because it feels like anything that happened during my Saturn Return was complete illusion, and now as I look back I'm filled with a variety of emotions relative to that time: proud, angry, hurt, humiliated, powerful... it was part of the lessons I filtered through, part of the layers I needed to unveil, and it feels good, now, to look back at that time and see, well, I don't want to say "nothing", but really, nothing. No-thing. It's not necessarily indicative of an energetic void, but rather just this progression of flesh, progression of self, progression of mind that shedded itself right there and then, and I didn't even know it.
I released the trauma and the pain and am still left with the memories, but the memories are fantasy, like a character, you have awareness of the story, but unless you reread it, it's not something you directly remember at length. It's strange... but I like it.
I don't want to put value or judgment (or not) in that situation. I just want to enjoy the mindful moment where I discovered that that reality is: gone. I let myself be part of a game that suited me for the moment. Game's over though, and the results of the aftermath speak volumes in terms of the actual players involved. It's funny how much credit we give those around us and how much value we emphasize on our connection to them.
I have, also, been thinking of connections. I have a difficult time in putting labels to relationships being "better" than another. I don't really believe in "best" friends or "enemies". I think we're connected to the people we're connected to in the moment, some deeper than others, but the labeling frightens me, because it feels like a box, and we know I'm not a fan of fitting into boxes.
My "best" friend since childhood and I have gone through several years of not being "best" at all. Not enemies either, but complete strangers, disconnected and no longer speaking to one another. It comes and goes, and we have seemingly revisited that space and time once more. I feel saddened, in that when you put a label such as "best" it's somehow supposed to mean something, like they are "better" than the rest, that you trust them with everything more than others... I can't say I felt that.
Is this person trustworthy? Yes. Did we have much in common? No. Does that matter? Yes, it does. Most would say it doesn't, but as I get older, I value connection -- soulful, meaningful connection. I'm not into the superficiality of connection, of meaningless conversation. Been there, done that. I want to connect on a deeper level, no longer being tied down by patriarchal bullshit, I want sisterhood and solidarity. I didn't feel that with my "best". From the simple and mundane aspects of taking over an hour to decide on what movie to watch because she was into "chick flicks" while I valued more independent documentaries; complaining when in the car together because she preferred pop music while the I was into indie; not being able to enjoy the same books for she was into memoirs and biographies while I lean towards spirituality and the like; not having spiritual conversations, not because she's Catholic and I'm Pagan, but because her belief in divinity was more part-time while my belief is every moment.
It may seem silly, like it shouldn't be a factor, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. I don't hold many close friendships, partly from closing myself off out of dysfunctional fear and feeling quite alien in this world, but I have an image in my mind of the kind of relationships I wish to foster in my life, especially down the road, and I think we have both subconsciously (and consciously) agreed that this is just not one of them, for either of us.
Our communication simply drifted, not calling each other, not emailing each other, she has become, again, a stranger to me, just as I have essentially become one to her, but neither of us are "fighting" for connection, because I think one of the reasons we held onto the connection this long is because it's difficult to let go of something you've had since childhood, even if you've "outgrown" it, there's some essence of safety there... of it being familiar.
I may sound bitter, and really only my spiritual mother has been able to understand the space I am coming from when I say these things, that it's not in bitterness, not in spite, not in anger or frustration, just in exhaustion.
As she so often reminds me, my contract is *here*. It's here. Connections are necessary, but the labeling isn't. I don't want to "best" this and negate that, at least not in terms of people. Seems small, rude even.
Christopher told me that this would be a great year to start connecting and building those relationships with people who share the same passions as I do, and I slowly see that happening as I network with other Goddess-worshiping folks. There's an essence of freedom there, to say what you think and feel without (too much) judgment, because they, on some level, have felt the same spirit connection you have spoken about (or one can hope). Though I am speaking about the heart-felt connections of those who have walked the walk, not simply read about it.