"The bright light is lying down
The earth and the sea and the sky
Is at rest with the ocean
And the days go by
They go into the seas that have no shores
Haunted by that same closed door
Looking up at skies on fire
Leaving nothing left of us
I have this song in my head at the moment, singing over and over the line "and the days go by". The days certainly have felt like they have gone by, quite fast, like months have been processed through in mere days. Days. Just days. It's a strange place to be, but it's the moment, this moment. It's now.
The wake is tomorrow. While death itself isn't easy, and I'm certainly no authority on it since I haven't experienced it much around me (thankfully), it's a completely different field of energy than I can speak on.
Saturday night when I got the news I was tremendously sad. Sad for all of us, this carried through to Sunday, where it began to shift to confusion. I'm familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), and in reflection I'm wondering if I have processed through them, if anyone actually processes through them in this transition of loss. Perhaps, but I have this level of acceptance that I am judging.
I had a long talk over the past few days with my spiritual mother. She is one that I can share the essence of what is going on in my inner landscape and not be judged, because she, herself, actually gets it. She gets it. There's no need for clarification and explanation, and that's a comfort. There's no judgment, just space. Space to share and be without diagnosis.
While this isn't something that can simply be explained in a blog entry, my process through human emotions is something I have tried to dissect. It goes back to the notion of "enough" and what is truly "enough".
I am sad for what has happened, and in this reality I have mourned the loss, but in the spiritual realm I know he is being embraced by the Goddess, and the healing/resting process before the transition to the next life feels comforting. Life, indeed, does go on, and I think the gift of this transition has been a quality reflection of self. Reflection itself is key, my key, as it was presented to me yesterday, and tonight's class with Christopher will be delving into past life.
It's one of my favorite subjects: past and parallel lives. Love it! It's something that makes sense to me. The lessons, the tools, the lost parts of self, the integration and release... it's a beautiful and delicious process. When you give yourself permission to release expectations and truly *BE* in the moment with the lifetime(s) presented to you, you become open to possibilities. I love possibilities.
One of the systers in ADC was talking about where she is and the reflective questions of: where am I; what do I want; what really matters to me in my life is something that we come across in several portions of our lives, sometimes with a fuller awareness or more willingness to dissect our inner realm, these reflective questions seem almost more apparent at a time of death.
Where am I?
I see the image of an escalator going up, no rails on the sides, and I step off on the 3rd or 4th step, not out of fear, but in movement. Up is not up, down is not down. That's just relative. It's movement. It's always about movement. It has nothing to do with steps. Steps are pure illusions... it's an excuse. These steps are my excuse. Steps forward are equated with a good action; taking a step backwards is considered, essentially, undesirable. Why? Programming. You go up, it's good, irregardless of connection to what religions compare to up equaling Heaven, down Hell, blah blah. It's just about movement. Where am I? I'm in motion. Forward, yes, and backwards. I need the backwards. I'm not done with those lessons yet. I'm not done learning what balance in this lifetime is really all about.
What do I want?
That is a manifestation in process... another lyric from the song that speaks to this question:
"No doubt, no pain
Come ever again, well
Let there be light in this lifetime
In the cool, silent moments of the nighttime"
What really matters to me in my life?
My spirit says: truth. Like a banana, the peel is just the layer of what truth is all about. The core is inside, the good... eh, the "good"... judgment again... the delicious layer of life. Though I've only recently started liking bananas... but I digress...
It will be nice to be the student tonight. Not that I don't love facilitating these style of classes, but it's also nice to be the student now and again. My brother in law has arrived and I feel good about stepping out for a little while, and Drac seems to have processed through this well, though we both know that what's really got us concerned is Drac's biological mother. She's dying herself, and it's more apparent now, and yesterday she told him she wasn't sure how much longer she had, and I can sense there is an essence of readiness and this want to leave, now that her husband of all these years has left. I know that won't be an easy transition here, and my hope is that she will lay down the stubborn fence long enough to include us in transition, not for her sake, but for Drac's.
Right now I am just desperate for a nap, tired from the past couple of days, I'm hopeful tonight being in the energy of the class that I will feel a little more grounded. I'm looking forward to tonight. Hard to believe it's our last W1 class. A year has gone by already? Amazing.