Saturday, October 17, 2009

The introvert, the extrovert

This week felt like it went by too fast.  October has felt like it's been going by too fast.  Halfway through the month, just too fast.  When did life really begin to "fly by" as adults and stand still for children?  Perhaps that's why the joke is that I don't live much in linear time due to my being in touch with my inner child.  I feel like I come in and out of reality as I balance the work and play.

Ventured out for some fun last night and really had a good time.  Ran into an old friend and it was strange to sit there playing catch up but not digging any deeper as our friendships once allowed.  The loss of this relationship was mostly my doing, as I decided our friendship wasn't healthy and I walked away.  It was nice to be civil with each other, and truly I hold no ill will whatsoever, but the reflection of our hours on the phone talking away the night seems like a fable more than fact now.  Reminds me much of the relationship I had with the former bff, though the one from last night we actually had things in common with, which made the friendship feel, at times, less forced.  Overall the night was successful and I felt much more extroverted than even my inner self is used to.  Surprising to most, as I have had more than several people tell me this past month that they wouldn't get the impression that I was an introvert at all.

We took stock during a break at class with others nearby and shared our introverted vs extroverted perceptions and each person thought I was an extrovert to the core.  Really?  I suppose I shouldn't be all that surprised, I do tend to, at times, give off this vibe of just connecting with those around me.  I can connect on a front layer surface, getting along with various crowds and groups, cliques mean nothing to me.

A friend of mine called me a couple months back taking "inventory" of herself.  It was something that was quite extraordinary, I felt, to be able to open yourself to that kind of perception and judgment, and I envied her bravery in the moment to do it.

The concept was to contact a handful of people you trusted to be honest with you and either call or, preferably, see them in person, and ask them what they thought of you when they first met you and how has that perception shifted since getting to know you.  At this point I had only known her for just a few short months, but she trusted me to be authentic with her, and I knew I could.  It was rewarding for me to do this, not just for her, but to be in that moment of honesty and trust, it was a beautiful moment and I was honored to be part of her inventory of self.

I don't know if I'm there yet, to do that, plus, to be honest, I'm not sure who I would ask.  Who would feel in tune with the element of authenticity to be able to share this, without fear of hurting my feelings or being afraid of being judged themselves.  We're so afraid of our feelings, of the extension of which we express them and the lines of authenticity and truth become blurred, and thus a new programming begins.

I identify as an introvert.  I keep people at arm's lengths from my childhood years of constantly moving on a moments notice that I almost don't want to foster these connections for fear I'll just leave.  Seems silly in this wave of technology that didn't exist when I was a kid.  Connection is so much easier this way. 

However, the extroverted self is probably more of the inner rebel wanting to soar her wings and be wild and free and channel her inner Punky Brewster.  I so wanted to be her as a kid!

Yesterday was fun, and it was nice to be out and losing myself in Chad's lyrics as I always do.  I don't worship him, I simply adore his music, and all these years later it touches me deep in my soul as it ever has, and being there in the flesh to process through the vibrations is such a gift.  I would certainly miss that if we went to Florida!

Tomorrow I'm doing a day-long workshop with Christopher on the Mysteries of Merlin.  It's a fundraiser for his Temple of Witchcraft organization and I'm excited to be part of that tomorrow.  Then I get a couple of days to play catch-up on emails and studies before the last class on W1 on Wednesday, then next month begins W2.  Hard to believe a year has already gone by... it's that time thing again.

)0(

No comments: