It went from the start of some fall chilly weather to muggy and warm... fall, where are you? I feel it necessary this time of year to snuggle under my blanket, to drink hot chocolate and taste the chill in the air. I want my chill! I suppose it'll come soon enough, and for those who have complained and felt as though there was essentially "no summer" I guess I can wait. I, myself, would rather be living in 3 seasons where summer is pretty non-existent... then again it does possess some wonderful things, but today I want my fall back.
October feels like it's going by too fast. With my calendar filling up this month with things *I* want to do, I want to be able to enjoy them fully and not feel like they're swooshing past me in a whirl. Though October always brings such fun invitations, until I master the art of being 2 places at once I am needing to make choices that suit me spiritually. I'm not interested in all the mindless fun. I'm eager for studies... oh the studying! There's something quite enticing about being the perpetual student.
I've had several people tell me that it's more time for me to lead than to continue being the student, and while I see their point of view, aren't we all always students? Perhaps an excuse and a delay in "taking the torch" as my friend would say. I am delaying. Waiting for what I'm not sure, and while I am doing much of the things that I do want, I know I'm not doing *all* of the things that I want. It's a balancing act, but one that can certainly be juggled appropriately. It's the fear. Not the suffocating kind, but the one that urges you to push beyond your limits and trust in yourself that you're fully capable. It's become a long-time companion, pushing me to the edge but instead of being directive it's been permissive. I want the fear to be directive. I want it to break it's own shackles and be my strength, but then that's not me empowering myself, now is it?
I've been given some major food for thought this month, and my spiritual mother spoke to my husband yesterday about my work, wanting me to come to her area and, essentially, lead. As she put to him, I would be a "beacon of light" there. But there's a lot here that's also calling me to create shifts and movements. Some of that still speaks to the status of where the womyn's circle is going. We are without space currently, which may be the final decision maker in and of itself. I suppose I manifested this, though. I went in with someone to create this and met a wonderful womyn there, but my friend's friend was someone who I feel I didn't vibrate with energetically, or even spiritually for that matter. If this is meant to be my creation then it needs to be based on what my vision is, which at first I felt was somewhat selfish, but then realizing that we all have vision, the leaders of the various communities have led with a vision calling them. Some successfully, when not being dogmatic or too governmental, while others not so much, because their vision seemed to translate to it being their way and only their way. I'm not interested in that kind of approach.
I ran into this womyn at Walmart at the beginning of last month that pleasantly threw me off. I was with a friend heading to a booze cruise and she needed something at the store so we made a quick detour. I was in my sunglasses, thinking it would be a quick grab and go and we'd be on our way. As I was walking up the aisle with my friend a womyn approached me and said "what are you doing for Kirtan now that Kailash is gone?" At first I was thrown off, as I was in my own little world, but then I quickly realized what she was talking about and was surprised that, even in my sunglasses, she recognized me from the Kirtan events that I had attended a couple of years ago. Kailash, a wonderful man who almost became my Guru, has since moved to NC and no longer holds events in this area. I suppose it was a fun reminder from the Universe that even when I think I am invisible, clearly I am not.
She gave me her business card and I finally got around to contacting her (as I went on vacation the day after I met her) and she has space less than 10 minutes from my house. She's been considering starting up a Kirtan group and would like to see if I'd be interested in it.
I am excited at the prospects but also laughed at myself thinking how I really do love to add things onto my plate. I have missed the Kirtan events greatly, it was so inspirational, so transformative. I am in love with chanting and prayer and this form is something that really appealed to me. I had no idea what Kirtan was until I went to this event that I just knew I had to go to. Meeting Kailash was a joy. There was something about him that my soul resonated with, and we got to chatting. We exchanged a great deal of emails and I was beginning my training in the Hindu tradition with him. In fact, what I find most interesting, is that he and Lama Surya share their beginning lineage together. Lama Surya's path is in Buddhism while Kailash's is in Hinduism. Their "familial" connection is what drew me to Kailash.
The process of me deciding to train was a lengthy one, and Kailash stirred the darkness in my inner cauldron so I could bring it to the surface and deal with it. It wasn't easy, it was probably one of the harder introspective times I can remember. It was so valuable. In the end when we were getting ready to finalize the Guru/student relationship he decided I needed to wait longer, to figure out my path, which was something I was feeling but at the time unable to vocalize. His patience and friendship and presence was incredibly valuable to me. I'm grateful I have had the chance to know him and express my gratitude for his teachings. In the end me not finalizing the relationship in this ritualized manner was the best decision he/we made. He knew I wasn't ready, and his patience and loving-kindness was effortless. Check out his site: http://www.omkailash.com/ He inspired my devotional chanting even further from his teachings.